Thursday, April 24, 2008

What if?

Actually, that's the only Creed song that I like.

Sorry, very lame joke. I'm not a funny person.

This is something that's been bothering me. What if my trans feelings neither diminish nor grow? As it stands now, I can't honestly say that I'm 100% convinced that I have GID. Yet I haven't noticed my feelings become less conscious.

I don't want to be in this middle place. It has not yet become unbearable because I know that I'm still early in this "process." I don't think I can feel like this for the rest of my life.

My sex drive is still bothering and annoying me. I feel silly for pawing at my wife all the time, yet I'm driven to do so. After each time we have sex (down to once every one or two weeks) I swear to myself that I will not try to iniate. I fail miserably after two or three days. I have noticed that I've become the "cuddly" one in the relationship. Yet we can't cuddle or make out for long before Mr pokey makes his presence know. I wish I could control that. Spiro would help, but I couldn't get a prescription for unwanted sex-drive.

Since I appear to be on the theme of what's bothering me: I still don't like be referred to using a male word. It has become natural to avoid referring to myself that way. Yet my wife doesn't avoid it. I hate it when she tells our dog to "go see daddy." I hate it when she says that I'm a "good hubby." I think we're going to have to have a talk sometime. I've been pretty much avoiding one for a while.

Clothes make the...

"When we are trying to reach the woman inside, sometimes clothes are her lifeline. But once we finally connect, the clothes are no longer necessary for her to feel alive." This is a quote from Diane Wilson's page, which is recommended, by the way.

I don't dress en femme anymore. I haven't since January when my wife came home from work two hours early with her dad on their way to coffee. I had literally just finished putting everything away and getting re-dressed in "normal" clothes for me. That was the day before I came out to her.

Why don't I dress anymore? Fear of getting caught is part of it. Another part of it is that when I do it, I just feel silly. I don't feel feminine, or "whole." I certainly don't get aroused. (Apparently that is a major reason for heterosexual men to cross-dress)

However, I am "drawn" to women's clothing. This is a new thing, starting only after I discovered my previously unconscious trans feelings. Instead of thinking or saying "those pants make her ass look nice," or commenting on aesthetics when asked by my wife, I wish I could wear them, or I think about a particular piece in a way that relates to me. i.e. would I wear it. My wife looked at the Mountain Equipment Co-op catalogue and laughed at the women's cycling skirts. I didn't tell her that I liked them. I'm also jealous of those that can wear women's clothing. Yes, I mean women.

What does any of this mean? I'm not sure. Reading other blogs and stuff on the Internet, I don't usually identify very well with the authors. I can't say that "I knew when I was five." I don't think to myself, "I'm a woman." Instead, the way I think aboout myself is more along the lines of "I'm confused."

Sunday, April 6, 2008


I was asked to write an update by somebody I don't really know.

That's ok. It forced me to "take another baby step." I emailed back somebody from the Trans Health program asking about the procedures for getting therapy. The trans programs in Vancouver seem to be constantly changing names and what they do. So my doctor's referral letter went to fax heaven. I left a voicemail somewhere a month later and got one call back to my home number, and not to my cell number which I had also left on voicemail. Then I sent two emails to an email address which I had taken from some pamphlets. Finally, I found an email of a real live person from the program.

That last paragraph is misleading. It makes it seem like I've been aggressively pursuing this. I haven't really. I wait weeks in between phone calls or emails. Why? I'm afraid. I love my marriage. I don't want to lose it.

My "trans feelings" (wow that's an awkward phrase) haven't dissipated. I still think about them every day. Every time I need to go to a public washroom I look at the signs on both doors and wonder. Every time I see a pretty woman I'm jealous of her body and wonder if I like her clothes.

On the home front, we simply don't talk about it. This is simultaneously a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because it keeps things civil, with no crying or drama. Yet it is bad because we aren't discussing it as a couple. My wife is never going to accept or tolerate my transness(yes, I know that isn't a word) if we ignore it. I think it wouldn't be difficult to do that, to just ignore everything. But the way my newly discovered feelings and desires haven't changed suggests to me that I shouldn't ignore them. I still get called "daddy" which bothers me. But then we just went to a wedding and my wife asked me what I thought of the dress. We discussed it, and I even noticed that there was a train at the ceremony yet none at the reception. (perhaps it detached?) I wonder if my dear wife was thinking when she asked me about it. I started shaving my armpits in January after my last post. She asked why, and I said it looks nicer. I still do it.

Therapy is next. I think it is very important. I'm not able to figure out why I feel the way I do on my own.