My TS journey

Two feelings

2010-08-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

The first one, I forgot to write in my last post. The day or two after the Lady Gaga concert, I realised that I hadn't cried once during the time I spent with my friend. This is surprising to me since normally when I talk about serious things like my family, my wife dumping me, etc I tend to get upset and cry. I figured out that I hadn't cried at all since I had been super happy during that time. I remember having a permanent smile on my face.

While I've posted before about getting more in touch with my emotions, I still have a ways to go. I can't always predict in advance how upset I will get and if I will cry.

The second feeling is that I keep feeling less close to my immediate family. It's most likely related to how I feel they've not been supportive. As an example, my dad just "lent" me three books that he suggested I could read. One's about going from atheism to religion, the next on male sexuality, and the last on male depression. To me this seems like a "fuck you." He claims to not deny that I'm trans, but this seems to. Anyway, this lack of closeness I feel makes me want to spend less time with them. For example, I was in my room surfing the internet and I heard my parents upstairs. I thought, "oh great, now I can't go upstairs to make myself supper until they leave."

Lady Gaga!!!

2010-08-24T21:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw Lady Gaga perform at Rogers Arena in Vancouver. (Formerly GM Place) This is where the major hockey games of the 2010 Olympics were held.

I went with a friend from high school whom I had not seen for years. Two weeks ago at work, I mentioned to my ex, H, about the concert. At first she lied and said that she didn't think we were still going and that she'd made plans. Five minutes later, she approached and said she didn't want to go with me since I made things awkward when we hang out. This is probably accurate. Hanging out with her is awkward. In the past, when I hung out with her, I felt upset with how she treated me when she dumped me. But I avoided ever mentioning that because I still wanted to hang out with her. When we hung out, she'd always expect me to share personal stuff without wanting to tell me about her new life without me. But she still should have informed me that she had changed her mind about going with me.

To find someone else to go with, I set my facebook status asking if anyone wanted to go with me. I got one offer, another girl from high school whom I hadn't seen since 1998 and that I'd never stayed in contact with. I noticed that the girl I ended up going with regularily posted links to Lady Gaga videos, so I facebooked her and asked if she'd go. She's a mother of four, and was so excited at the chance to see Gaga. Incidently, she was also my high school graduation banquet date as well as the sister of my first real girlfriend. But we were only ever platonic friends.

The concert was awesome. I'd pretty much characterize it as a production rather than a mere concert. It wasn't just two songs, a tiny bit of talking, then 10 more songs. It was twenty songs over two hours and five minutes, with many costume changes and set changes. Lady Gaga is very LGBT friendly and made several comments about that. She said something about coming to terms with our own LGBT identity. (Or something to that effect.) I felt like she was talking directly to me. Why?

I went as me. I told my friend all about me and she was cool with that. She's a relatively liberal Christian, so I knew there wouldn't be a problem. This is my second "outing." It felt great. I got a couple looks from two girls on the Skytrain but literally nothing else. We even got called ladies by a woman handing out Pantene samples on the street. I also used the ladies room for the first time as an adult at a restaurant we went to before the concert. My therapist indicated during my last visit that she wants to "see me all pretty," so I will go as me next time.

Somewhat unrelated, but I learned something that made me happy and I feel slightly guilty about it. Apparently the guy whom H left me for is a chronic cheater. I don't live in a "small town," but someone from Vancouver would consider my town "the boonies." Anyway, my point is that it's funny what kind of unexpected connections there are. H's boyfriend apparently dated my high school girlfriend the year after I did and cheated on her with multiple girls after being her "first." H's boyfriend then had an eight year relationship with another girl whom he also cheated on. This ex-girlfriend of mine is the sister of the girl with whom I saw Lady Gaga last night, so that's how I found out. So basically, H's boyfriend is a serial cheater and takes my "sloppy seconds." Part of me is pleased she's going to get fucked over and is glad she's going to feel some emotional pain. I don't believe in karma, but I like the idea. But I hope he cheats on her before they have a kid together. A couple weeks ago, I saw him talking to a girl outside at work and the body language seemed flirty not friendly. We'll see.

It made my day

2010-08-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

I just came back from a trip to Alberta with my mom. On the way home, I saw this graffiti on the back of a bear-proof garbage container at a rest stop. I ran quickly to my car to get my cellphone to take this picture. (my camera broke)

I just thought it was so awesome.

That would be my car in the background. You just don't expect to see that kind of thing near Salmon Arm, BC.

I also went to see Salt on Saturday night. I didn't expect to see a group of ten queer women standing outside a cinema in Calgary, AB. The interesting thing about Salt is that it was written for a male lead but was adapted for Angelina Jolie. Not too many female actors (avoiding the word actress here) are allowed to carry a big budget action movie without an opposing famous male actor opposite them.

My mom didn't mention my pierced ears, and there's no way she didn't notice.

all for now!

End of school

2010-08-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I met about twenty of my colleagues from the teaching program at a pub near the university to celebrate. Most people had just finished their last class. I came right after work. Many people were impressed that I took a relatively long car ride to see them. I didn't state that I would have driven three hours instead of just one and a half to see them.

My school colleagues are the closest thing I have to close friends. During the program I tried to do as much as possible with them as I could. I went to parties and even clubs and did had new experiences such as dancing and playing drinking games.

I was there from about 5:00 to 9:30, when they left to go do karaoke. Of course I would have gone, but I had to work at 7:00 a.m. and leave for a weekend trip to Alberta with my mom after work. I'm responsible, so I slept in my car until one, since I'd had a lot of beer. :)

When one of my favourite colleagues left, I really started crying a lot. (oh great, now I'm starting again) I'm so sad that the program is over. I like these people so much and I won't see them often if I do see them. Later, I was also talking to one girl who I'm not super close to. I started getting upset when we were talking about the future. So she had me come sit with her outside and talk to her. I asked if she'd heard about my presentation. She said she'd heard that there had been a big announcement involving me but not the details. So of course I came out to her. She said that she had a cousin who used to be Christine and was now Chris. She promised that we'd get together for coffee.

Yesterday I facebook chatted with the colleague whose leaving made me really cry. She's 40 with three kids. She was one of the people in my class who was very supportive when I came out. She said she'd take me clothes/accessory shopping.

All of the above is my attempt to describe how much I love these people. It's been really fun learning and laughing with them.

But what I don't understand is why they don't actually do things with me. We'll see if these last two promises end up being fulfilled or not. Between the two people that I feel closest to, I have seen them socially (individual, not a school related or a group event) a total of three times. Twice to celebrate the semesters' ends with my carpool partner whom I came out to in December and once to see that play a week ago with my lesbian friend whom I came out to in October.

There's been over five other people who've promised that they would contact me to do something but haven't. I don't get it. I know I'm fucking awesome. I'm easy-going. I'm fun to be around. I'm a good listener. I'm always up for drinking. Is there something wrong with me?

I'm going to keep trying, of course. I really need people to hang out with and talk to that are accepting and who like me of course. (I am super-likeable, I swear!)

Of my local friends, I have a married couple that I've known for over ten years. The husband was my best man. I'm out to the wife, so I'm sure that means he knows too. I see them maybe every three or four weeks. It's always the same - I come over on Friday night at 8 p.m. (after their two year-old is in bed) and bring board games. We don't really talk about deep stuff. Then I'm friends with the brother of the husband. But as with his brother, he's not into talking about anything personal.

I've been working alongside the same four people at work for four weeks now. I've never done that at my job - I usually just work alone. They did actually invite me to join them for a movie a couple weeks ago. Anyway, last week I was driving us to Triple-O's for lunch and I reached into my glove box to get my sunglasses. The woman in her forties saw my cigarettes and was surprised because I'm not a smoker. (every two weeks, maybe) She said, "what other secrets do you have?" I said that I had many. She said that I had to tell her something personal about me every day. So now, every morning, she asks me to peel another layer of the onion. An example of this was that I've only every slept with H., and for the first time on our wedding night. Obviously I have to come out to her at the end of summer.

I just don't know what the deal is with me and friends, and why I have no close ones. I know at work I just assume that everybody doesn't like me anymore because H. dumped me. (we work at the same place.) At school I tried really hard to make friends.

Two steps

2010-07-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'll try for brevity for once.

Yesterday and today, I made two steps toward transition.

The first and more significant is that I made my first public appearance as C___. C___ is the female name I've been leaning towards for about a year. I chose a safe and friendly environment in which to appear as me. I invited my lesbian friend from school to see a play called Tiny Replicas, which is about two men who have a baby together. She also brought a couple friends, also lesbians. After the play we went to my friend's apartment and another lesbian couple came over as well. Near the end, my friend's fiancée came home. I was wearing makeup and Joe fresh clothing. I would have liked more time to get ready to go, but I live far from East Vancouver, where the play was "montée." Shit, I'm forgetting English.

I felt completely safe. It felt right to be out as C_____. I was only a tiny bit nervous. My friend introduced me to her friends as C_____. (I hadn't met any of them before). The name "C____" seems to work, and I like it. The only minor snafu was when my friend's fiancée came home and said, "Hi, malename!" I'd met her once previously. Since I'd only decided to come as C____ that day, she didn't know better. My friend corrected her. So that was only a bit awkward. I am really thankful to my friend C for giving me this chance. Her friends were all awesome too. I thought to myself, "Holy shit, I'm here as C____ hanging out with six liberal lesbian Christians!" Not the kind of people I usually get to spend time with. I wish I knew more LGBT people that I could hang out with. C is awesome but I don't get to see her much. (This was the first time I'd met her socially outside of school.)

Second thing that I did yesterday was getting my ears pierced. I asked a coworker with several ear piercings where I should go to get that done. She suggested this hair salon/tattoo parlour/piercing place. So I went there and got it done without waiting. Since this was done by a piercer, it was done with a needle, not with a gun. It didn't hurt very much. Laser hair removal is much worse, and it lasts longer.

Speaking of laser hair removal, I have my seventh and last session scheduled for next week. I called today and had no problem getting an appointment. The technician I spoke to on the phone said that it hasn't been too busy because people are getting tanned by the sun and hence have to wait. I said I wore sunscreen even when it's cloudy and she said, "I've trained you well."

moving

2010-07-04T03:01:00.000-07:00

You know, I am worried about moving. I'm going to be moving to a town with a high Christian/Sikh population. Also, I will be transitioning at two jobs. One at the grocery store should be less difficult since it's a large company which probably has policies in place. I will be transferring stores in September, but luckily the HR manager is the same person for both stores. Although I don't see her often, we seem to get along fine. I asked for a transfer a week or so ago and she acted as if she knew me. I am a bit more worried about the school district, since it is known to be conservative. I do have the email of the BCTF (that's the teacher union, basically) person regarding LGBT issues. Still, it's a concern.

And I'm worried about not knowing many people. I know one couple that I haven't seen for five years, and a cousin who has three sons in their twenties. Other than them, I only know the teachers at the school at which I had my practicum. Hopefully it will be fine, and I'll make some friends.

But it's not like I'm moving far away. Moving "away" is something that appeals to me, but not now, and not without a partner/spouse. (Yes, I want to get remarried eventually.) So I'll still see the people I see now occasionally, like friends from high school or from my teaching programme. But I'll still be pretty much alone. I think I'll have to practice my hobbies and just fill my time. I'll be working two jobs, but I'd make time for any friend who wants to see me.

why yes, I'm drunk, how could you tell?

conversation with my dad

2010-07-04T00:59:00.000-07:00

On Friday night, my dad really wanted to watch a movie called "Bergman Island" with me. It's a documentary about Ingmar Bergman, who is the most famous Swedish film director. My dad had already seen it, and this was the second time he'd mentioned wanting to see it with me. Naturally, I was suspicious. My parents don't like to bring things up, and watching a movie would be the perfect excuse to discuss something. So I read those two links I posted, but didn't find anything other than that Bergman became an atheist at the age of eight. I couldn't find any info about a deathbed conversion.

If you haven't seen any Bergman films, one recurring theme is death, and the fear of it. I'd only seen one Bergman film, "Wild Strawberries" as well as clips from a few more of his films. (If you are interested, some of his films are available to rent at Videomatica, which is Vancouver's best rental store for foreign and indy films.)

Sure enough, at the end of the film, Ingmar shares a confession. Before, he believed dying was like a flame going out - essentially nothingness. But apparently since his fifth and last wife died, he can't imagine there not being an afterlife.

Of course after the movie was over my dad said that it was almost like a religious conversion. I said, no, that that doesn't fit any religion, that it seemed more like a spiritual experience. During my last therapy session, my therapist suggested standing up more for myself when it comes to talking with my family. This would be a part of it. So I completely disagreed with him on everything. I pointed out that Ingmar Bergman would go to hell because he doesn't believe in Jesus.

Then my dad brought something up that really surprised me. He actually remembered that right about now is when divorce is possible. I told him I was really impressed. I had assumed that nobody in my family would mention it.

Unsurprisingly, my dad did not mention why H got rid of me. He did imply (as have other family members) that H didn't keep her marital promise. When my family says something like that, I don't know how to react. I don't really want to defend H, but at the same time I want to say, "um you know why she dumped me, right?"

A bit more about family. My sister and brother-in-law were away for the long weekend until an hour ago. So we weren't able to have pizza night on Friday like always. My mom and dad came over instead. Somehow, saying grace got left out of the supper. I've noticed that's been happening more in the last couple months with my sister and brother-in-law, but this is the first time I've noticed it with my parents. Awesome. I wonder if it's about respect, or if they just feel awkward.

Being an atheist is a big part of me. I don't ever pretend not to be anymore.

---------------------

I'm scheduled for M-F day shift this week. That's really amazing. I think I mentioned before that I wanted summer to be over. That's still true, but on the other hand I'm scared to move out on my own. It's necessary, but it won't be easy.

I am more of a loner than lonely. Other than my parents coming over, I haven't seen anybody I know since Thursday morning at work. (that's three whole days) I've been more bored than lonely. Still, it would be nice to spend time with people. For example, I'd like to see Eclipse, but I'm sick of always seeing movies alone. But it would be a lot harder if I couldn't stand being alone.

I got served

2010-06-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

A bailiff visited me this evening to bring me a "writ of summons" a.k.a. divorce papers.

If I'm reading everything correctly, I can file paperwork within seven days to fight it. I think if I do nothing the divorce will happen.

I'm surprisingly not too upset about it right now. I realise I'm totally not over H, but I'm at about 50% acceptance of the fact that it's over. But I still get upset. A couple days ago I was looking at my boxes of children's books and I unexpectedly found flash cards that I had made in 2007. This made me cry. H had helped me study for the final. This is also significant because it was my last semester in my BA and also when I discovered my trans nature. (before H knew about it)

I am pleased to be getting over her, but it isn't easy.

--------------

On an unrelated note, I wish summer were over. I'm looking forward to being able to move out in September. I'll be working as much as possible on the night shift to help make this happen. I didn't bother to book vacation this year - first time since 2003. Since I'm part time, I don't get paid vacations, I just get a lump sum in January.

came out to a whole class

2010-06-23T20:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, I came out to an entire class on the last day. This class was about diversity in education. If you aren't familiar with the world of education, diversity is a current buzzword. This class was disappointingly only about diversity of colour, (ethnicity, "race") although there was a tiny bit about linguistic minorities. (Yes, I complained about the lack of anything LGBT on the course evaluation - it's a huge area of diversity.)

We were doing a presentation about a certain conservative school board being afraid of gay curriculum. At the beginning we put up LGBTTQQI on the powerpoint and then asked how many people here know five or more people who identify as one or more of those things. I was surprised that about fifteen put their hands up. At the end of the presentation, I read something that I had prepared, basically about how if the whole class knows well over a hundred LGBTTQQI people, that these people are going to be in our classes when we teach, and that they are often a fairly invisible minority. Then I said I was an example of this, and that I was transgender. I was only out to the two other girls in my group. I was nervous, even though I expected a positive reaction. One of the girls in my group said she had just come out (she's gay) to her parents a year and a half ago, and if it was that hard for her, imagine how hard it is for a student with unsupportive parents. After the presentation a few people made a beeline for me to hug me.

I got home in the evening to drink the six-pack I had bought on the way. During my first beer, somebody else in the class who hadn't been there chatted with me on facebook and said I was courageous. One of the women in the class had told him during their afternoon class. This kind of news will spread quickly in our 40+ program group; only about 10 were in the class. During my second beer, I got a supportive email from that woman. That made me cry for 3/4 of an hour, because it's amazing and sad that people that I've known since September are more supportive than my family. Through the third through sixth beer I drunk-chatted on facebook with another woman from my class who is also supportive.

I feel relieved in a way. Now these people that I really like and have already started to miss know a bit more about me. I never really pretended to be a guy, but I like that I can pretend less and that they understand me more. For example, I never told anyone why I was separated.

My sister was talking to me today. It was actually sort of rude. I was in the kitchen on my laptop and she was in the living room on her back on the couch playing some game on her iPod touch. First she started by asking how therapy was last week. I'm always pretty hesitant to say much. Then, she seemed to be sort of asking where she could learn more about me and being trans. I suggested the Vancouver Coastal Health site, but she said it wasn't specific enough. She suggested seeing my therapist, but I obviously said that my therapist is not going to share stuff that I've told her. Now I'm trying to think how to help her. But I do think this demonstrates the fact that at least some members of my family are actually trying to deal with it now, which pleases me.

I just looked at my therapist's new website. It looks like she does offer family therapy. I'd have to think about suggesting that to my family.

why I should think about moving

2010-06-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went with a friend to Shopper's Drug Mart. (one of the big drug stores in Canada) A couple weeks ago, I had closed the bank account that from the bank where we had our mortgage. I was slightly surprised that there was $300 in there. So I asked A if she would take me makeup shopping.

We spent $250. (there's still a few more things we forgot.) Unfortunately, we hadn't communicated well beforehand. She was under the impression that I would be too embarrassed to say it was for me, and I was under the impression that she would be too embarrassed. So when the beauty department ladies were helping, A asked what would work for her. She's fairer than I, with pinker skin. So they tried the foundation on her. But foundation really needs to match your skin tone. So she asked, "just for fun, what would work for him?" And then we had the right tone. (although they didn't have the right tone in powder - I'll have to get that later.)

Today A gave me a lesson. It seems tricky, but it's all practice. Right after I removed the makeup and put everything all back in the Shopper's bag, my sister walked in the door, home from work. Luckily, I thought fast and hid it with A's stuff.

There's only one bathroom here. I can't stay here for a while and then expect to instantly transition when I move out. I should really have my own place.

ooops

2010-06-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

My bad - it's been so long since I last updated.

Well, still developping. Constant soreness and occasional itchiness. Let's just say I won't be able to go topless this summer. My chest doesn't really pass as a male chest: the profile and shape is all different.

What I'm concerned about at the moment is where to live and where to work. There are so many variables to consider. It's frustrating. Right now I have a decent paying job (very high paying for a part time job) with benefits. I don't want to give that up. I also got hired in May in a certain Fraser Valley district. I was hired as a T.O.C., or subsitute teacher. There aren't actual positions; it's all just T.O.C.ing. The problem is that this district lies within what's known as the Bible Belt. I wouldn't want to transition there. This district tries to avoid teaching about the gays, so I'm sure having a tranny would be undesirable; I wouldn't get any work. Finally, I'd like to get out of this town. It's hard working with my ex. My family isn't very supportive. This town is also conservative. However, I only pay my sister $250 for rent. Can't beat that anywhere.

I'll be done the bulk of school in a couple weeks, although I'll only be a fully certified teacher in August. So basically, I really need to think about what is best. I have an appointment with my therapist next week which will be a good opportunity to discuss this stuff. Here's what I think are my options. (in no particular order)

1. Stay here. It's cheap. I could save up some money by working both jobs and paying little rent. However, I need to be preparing for transitioning, and living with someone who says she will be disgusted being in the same room with me when I transition is probably not helpful.

2. Move to the Fraser Valley town where I got hired. It isn't too far away. I could transfer stores. Rent isn't super-expensive. However, I think transitioning in that school district would be pointless.

3. Move to Metro Vancouver. I can transfer stores. However, it would be difficult to work in the Fraser Valley district due to distance. Getting another job as a T.O.C. is tricky; most districts are not hiring. Also, rent is much more expensive.

I can also decide to work only in the Fraser Valley district until I transition. Whether I start my teaching career there or not, I am concerned about getting hired after transition. Optimally, I'd get a job in a more tolerant school district (Vancouver would be awesome, but they are always having layoffs, so they are not hiring) during the summer and I wouldn't even have to start work in this other district. Continuity at one district makes names and references not matching up after transition a non-issue, in the same way that it won't be an issue at my other job.

Sigh. So many things to consider.

ooh, physiological changes!

2010-05-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, like the title says, I've started to notice physiological changes.

My endocrinologist believes in moving up dosages gradually. I'm taking Estradot 37.5 right now; I started with Estradot 25 almost six months ago. Estradot 50 will be next.

Anyways, a couple weeks ago I noticed my left nipple was sore. It sort of felt like a bruise. Since then, it's become something that I can feel under the surface. It's a breast bud! Right one just feels a tiny bit sore so far.

Also, I just noticed in the shower today that I don't seem to have dark hair around my nipples anymore. I didn't need to shave my chest at all!

So it's great that hormones are starting their effects. Hopefully even though I'm almost thirty they'll have the effect they would on a younger body. I did develop relatively late. (pubic hair at 15, for example)

And hopefully the timing of everything works too.

Why I'm awesome

2010-04-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

It's funny. Life has never been so complicated, but my self-esteem has never been this high. Why? Could be because I'm actually dealing with stuff instead of just ignoring it. Could be the hormones. Anyways...

I've mentioned before that I'm awesome. In no order, probably leaving stuff out:

- I can deal with a large amount of shit at once, more than the average person.
- I don't really get stressed out.
- I can fix a wide variety of things.
- I have good spelling.
- I can get along with anybody if I want to.
- I am good at board games.
- I am much more athletic and coordinated than I should be for somebody who has a sedentary lifestyle.
- I eat unhealthily but don't put on weight. Somehow I lost 20 lbs last year without trying.
- I have thick skin.
- I'm smart.
- I can usually learn something new fairly quickly.
- I'm strong.
- I have a higher than average pain tolerance.
- I don't panic in emergency-type situations.
- I can be organised in some situations.

There are probably more that I can't think of at the moment. Next time I'll do a flaws list. I wonder if that one will be shorter.

Yay, done another semester!

2010-04-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

I just finished my practicum semester of my teaching program. I'm very pleased. I've only got one semester left now. I will be applying to school districts next week.

I hope I can get hired in a district on the correct side of the Port Mann. I could more easily get hired in certain other districts that are growing, but then they would be less "accommodating" and supportive of me when I transition.

So really, it's less important for me to get a full-time teaching job than being in a better school district. I will be keeping my job at the grocery store(I can transfer to another one) because I get paid well and I get benefits, which I won't as a teacher on call.

I am out to my Faculty Associate at the university. She's completely cool with it. She is going to find out how it will work with me changing my name. After all, my references and evaluations all have my current name.

Speaking of names, I had to renew my driver's licence recently. I knew that BC had changed the style of licences, but I had never seen one. Not only are you not allowed to smile, but the picture is in black and white and fuzzy. But the worst part is that the gender marker is now on the front.

My plans are to completely restart almost everything. I want to get a subsitute teacher position perhaps in Burnaby or New West. I plan to move for September of this year if I get a job. Moving would be necessary working as a sub since I wouldn't be able to make it to the school on time after getting called since I live so far away. I will transfer stores which will also make it easier to actually be at work. Right now it is hard. I will start practicing make-up, voice etc. I don't feel safe here doing that. I am not sure when I would start RLE, perhaps over Xmas break.

For some reason I am optimistic even though I know it will be hard. I'm usually the pessimist type. But hey, it's hard now.

an interesting question

2010-03-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

I had coffee with H, my ex last night.

She wondered whether I was transitioning in order to make our separation have meaning.

I said I didn't know. I think that's a part of it. When I moved out, that's when my mindset changed. I remember feeling that "now I can do something about my GD instead of repressing it." But I don't think that would be a good enough reason to transition. I'll have to think about this; I'll bring it up when I go to therapy next.

I do know that I don't like living in a world where somebody that's been with you for six years can leave you one week after meeting someone new. That fucking hurts.

I bought Lady Gaga tickets this week they day they went on sale. H wants to go along. I'll take her. When I bought the two tickets I knew it was a big risk. After all, it would be easy to find somebody that would want to see Lady Gaga. Finding somebody that wants to go with me and I with them is another matter. H is still good company.

Which brings me to my last point about her. I'm not really sure why she wants to remain friends. I can't see how I can be good company if I'm always on the verge of tears when we're talking. I think I'll ask her at work today. I'm thinking it might be pity (she knows I have zero close friends) or maybe even a little guilt.

Finally, now that my entire family seems to know all about me (atheism, depression, transition) I don't seem to feel relieved or anything. I was expecting that it might be easier but it isn't. I don't really care that they know. They aren't supportive at all. At least I know not to count on anybody except myself. That's both depressing and empowering at the same time.

It's my birthday this week. :( What I'd really want is to somebody to plan something for me, but I know that isn't going to happen. (H didn't even mention it; I assumed she wanted to have coffee to give me a card or something.) I'm pretty much planning the only party I will have. I already had to decide what I wanted for supper and for dessert, as well as the present my parents are giving me. Now I have to decide what sushi that my parents should order for my birthday meal. This is one of the things that is supposed to be about me but that I'm really doing for everybody else. I know I can keep it together for the party though.

I'm not sure why my mom chose to tell me that my entire immediate family is getting therapy because of me. Perhaps this is why I never told my family anything voluntarily; now I feel like an asshole for making it hard on everyone. I think that's unfair, really. I'm the one going through shit, not them.

mourning

2010-03-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

I am doing better! It was mostly just feeling depressed and suicidal from about Thursday to Tuesday including last weekend.

Consensus seems to be that I am finally starting the grieving process about my separation. Clearly, I avoided dealing with it until now. I obviously was hoping that it wasn't real; that we'd get back together. Now I see that's unlikely. :(

On Thursday I spent about eight hours with my dad. We went for a long drive - about 600 km round trip. We talked about most things. He asked lots of questions. Some of it was about my marriage breakup and some was about my GD. We aren't close in the sense that we rarely talk about anything personal. That experience didn't really make me feel any closer, it was more like an interrogation. I was a little shocked after I told him that I had just been more suicidal than I'd ever been in my life. He did not react to that at all, not even to say, "that's too bad." Talking about my GD, we didn't find any common ground on any point. He asked me about "aggressive homosexuals." I assumed he meant gays that are "out and proud," but he really seemed to believe in gay recruitment! He compared it to people who try to get other people to behave or think in a particular way in order to "normalise" their own behaviour or opinions. And he also said that as a society deteriorates that more things become acceptable. I tried to point out that that's not necessarily bad; mixed-race marriages were frowned upon very recently. He also claimed that repression wasn't harmful!

Then he asked why separation from my wife was when I felt I could start moving toward transition. This is where we reached an impass. I couldn't get the point across that you take your spouse in consideration when you make decisions in a bigger way than your family. He seemed to think I was saying that family love is somehow worth less than spouse love. But what I mean is that your spouse is indeed much more important when you make decisions. I would never have considered moving out of town away from my wife, for example. Yet right now, when I'm thinking about where I want to move to, my family plays a much smaller role in the decision. A married person would not always confer with family when buying a car, but would always make a joint decision involving the spouse. A person's decisions have a greater effect on their spouse than on their family. So we stopped talking about it before I could explain.

I went to therapy yesterday. It was useful. I don't think I should wait multiple months before the next visit.

I'm gonna be ok, it's just gonna take time.

Not doing so well

2010-03-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Things have been rough for the past few days. I have never had such intense suicidal ideation. I have had plenty of suicidal ideation, but not like this. Usually, when I'm having it, suicide seems like an option, something I can do later. When I've felt suicidal during the past few days, suicide seems more like an immediate solution. I'm not feeling suicidal at this very moment, but when I do during this period I feel like it's something to do right away, as if I should take my laptop, drive somewhere, write a note, and slice my throat open.

The trigger was hanging out with my ex on Thursday. We went to a shopping mall called Coquitlam Centre, where she'd never been and where there's a store I knew she'd like. I've mentioned in the past how I didn't really have any friends to hang out with or talk to. H. is the exception; she doesn't seem to mind my company. When she dumped me last year she said that she still wanted to be friends and that she would be there for me. (meaning through transition) At the time, I just thought it was some bullshit you say when breaking up. But she meant it. I ending up telling her that I was on hormones and that I'd had some laser hair removal treatments. I also told her that I was upset and lonely that I didn't have any friends. But what really bothered me is her life. She's moved in with her boyfriend and renting out her (our old) house. She's thinking about trying for a baby in a year. After the mall, we went out for sushi with some work people. But there was some time to kill, so we went to her place to watch a bit of the closing ceremony and so I could say hi to the dogs. Well, I didn't make the connection that it would be at her new place until we got there. And then I cried when I was playing with her dog.

So basically her life is pretty good, except for her mom and cat dying last fall. I've suddenly realised that I miss her so incredibly much. I miss having someone to go home to. I miss having somebody that's there for me. I miss having someone that wants to cuddle with me. I miss having my best friend. I miss somebody that likes to spend time with me, either hanging out or doing something.

It suddenly hit me that she's not coming back. It hasn't bothered me much until now. But now, I'm incredibly unhappy about it. I've spent so much time crying. In a moment of weakness or whatever, I actually prayed last night, something I haven't done in years. On Sunday, as soon as I walked into work, H. saw me. She instantly knew that something was wrong, so she made me talk to her. I said that I wished I had died during that time in 2007 when I drank a lot after work and she came home to find me lying in bed in my own vomit. And then later she cornered me at work and I mentioned that I was suicidal. So she facebooked my sister, who was waiting to talk to me when I got home from work. She was worried, and I told her everything. I even came out as atheist.

I don't know how to get past this feeling of "my life sucks," especially since I really believe it. At the same time, there are two reasons for hope in my life. One is that I'm well on the way to becoming a teacher and the other is that I'm making progress toward transitioning. But I feel that everything else is shitty. I feel like a loser living in my old room in the basement, imposing on my sister and her new husband. I feel fucking lonely, with no good friends.

On the friend front, yesterday after supper I decided to go see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. So I looked up showtimes and then thought, "hey, I might as well try to find somebody to go with." I went on Facebook and asked my male friend to go. He wrote, "no thanks, I think I going to stay home tonight." Last week I tried to do something with him twice but he didn't want to. This guy has always had "a hard day at work," or some other reason to not do anything. We're not close, but this is somebody that I've known for over ten years. So I went to the movie alone, but it was sold out anyways. The only other people that are local are my married friends. They have a two year-old, so it's very limiting what we do together. Basically I go over once every two weeks and we play a game. I feel closer to the wife, like I could talk to her, (she's a good listener and is sympathetic) but I don't see her alone. Then I have my new friends from my program. Since the program started, I made the decision to try to attend every social event I could with anyone from the program. The last event was watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I've never watched any opening ceremonies; I only went because of the social factor. But these social things are infrequent, and they are usually alcohol-based. I wish that I could just call up one of these people to hang out. But I've heard the guy who usually hosts the parties say homophobic remarks, so he's probably not a person I'd want to share things with. The girl I have a crush on does know that I'm fucked up and lonely. But if I facebook her and suggest hanging out, she will see that as me trying to initiate a romantic relationship.

Things are depressing on the friend front. When I was spilling my guts to my sister, she said, "I don't know how people meet except at church." Obviously, I won't be going to church anytime soon. I'm not going to start going to bars to meet people.

I have to make a decision about where I want to work. I would be able to get a substitute teacher job in several school districts. I'm having a hard time deciding which one(s) to apply for. I'm guaranteed a substitute teacher job in the school district I'm doing my practicum; they've already inquired as to when my practicum is over. But it's outside of Metro Vancouver, as am I at the moment. People are noticeably more conservative/church-going. I don't know if I want to stay living here. But if I get hired and move to say, Surrey or Coquitlam, then I won't have any immediate family in the same town. I worry that I'll just be sitting depressed in an apartment, doing nothing. If I don't do things regularily with my new friends, there's no reason to thing that would change just because I move to Metro Vancouver. I'll be applying for jobs in three weeks, so this is something I really need to think about.

I did leave a message for my psychologist yesterday; I clearly need an appointment. I should not have let shit get so bad before seeing her.

Somehow I need to get hope back.

overdue update

2010-02-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on here.

School has been going well. Teaching in my practicum re-affirms to me that I should be a teacher. I find it rewarding. Sure, it's challenging, but I find it rewarding. I don't know what I'd do other than teach. I am not going to keep working at the grocery store for the rest of my life. If I fail my practicum, I "won't make it." I'll kill myself. But I'm a "natural." I just have to not fuck up for another month or so.

I don't like being called "Monsieur _______". But it's a necessary evil. A couple weeks ago we had to pretend to be a T.O.C. (a.k.a. subsitute teacher) for a day. I did Grade 1 instead of 10. I loved it. I think I'd consider doing it for reals. (the young ones also called me Madame by accident. :) )

I had a pro-d day during this week. (that's a non-teaching work day). I was in four workshops, and there were at maximum 3 men in each one. Teaching is a fairly woman-dominated profession. Languages doubly so.

I am on the next level Estradot patch. Since the lowest one didn't do anything physiologically, perhaps this will start something. I had fucked up and not made an appointment for my endocrinologist early enough, so I had been without anything for two weeks. It was not nice having a sex drive again. I explained it to my carpool partner as being like the trailer for "40 days and 40 nights." You just sort of feel antsy. There was a recent post in the blogosphere of somebody saying transwomen were happy to lose their libido because it isn't feminine to have one. I don't feel that way; I feel it's just annoying to have it. I know women can have a strong sex drive; I remember fondly one part of my marriage during which my ex-wife would bang on the wall when she was in bed trying to get to sleep (because of working early) when she wanted sex.

A week ago I had my fourth laser treatment. Now, the hair is starting to shed. I bought three more treatments. I hope that's enough to deal with all the dark hairs so I only need electrolysis for the blonde hairs. I find facial hair to be really unpleasant. (and dysphoric..)

Valentine's day wasn't too horrible. My parents actually came over to check on me; I thought it was pretty sweet. It's just more the everyday stuff. As I've mentioned already, it isn't the marriage being over that bothers me; it's more the lack of my best friend.(or any good ones for that matter)

I fucking hate weekends for the most part. I don't see my carpool partner so I have nobody to talk to. I don't usually see friends. Ok sure, last night I did see this couple that I've been friends with for over ten years. But we aren't close. I can't talk to them about stuff I want to talk about. It bothers me that nobody that I have known before my separation knows that I'm on hormones and that I'm beginning transition. Last night there was a free deadmau5 concert at the Livecity Yaletown site in Vancouver. I really wanted to go. But I had nobody to go with. I tried unsuccessfully to convince my ex to call in sick for work and come with me. I don't have anyone else to ask that might have gone.

I've fucking been home all day. I haven't fucking done anything today. I'm fucking lazy. I was outside of the house for about 20 minutes. Fuck. I've had three Maudite strong beer. Weekends would be harder without booze. I think getting through my program is what is keeping me alive. That's not enough. I need to find something else in life that is worth it.

I told my mom I'm atheist. Of course she was upset. But I stated that that issue is nowhere near the top of my list of important things in my life. Perhaps one day I will be able to tell my family and old friends about my plans for transition. I suppose it's sort of convenient that I don't have anything holding me down anywhere.

Goddamn life.

misc

2010-01-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

Nothing super exciting to share - just a few random things.

On Friday I had a Professional-Development Day at my new practicum. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a day off school on which teachers go to workshops. I went to a French as a Second Language meeting for secondary FSL teachers in the district. (since I'm a student teacher, I must go to those as well) I made it through the morning without anybody saying anything, but right after lunch, a teacher asked how I felt "being the only guy there." I said, "um, no problem." Then she made a comment about all the estrogen in the room and I had to refrain from saying, "well, actually..."

Which brings me to the next item. I fucked up by not making an appointment with my endocrinologist early enough, so I made one today for Feb 15th. That's two weeks after my girl pills run out. I will get a blood test this Saturday so that he has the information when I see him three weeks later. But it's still annoying. I also hope to get on a much higher dose of estrogen. He believes in "ramping" up the estrogen, in an attempt to simulate puberty. However, after three months on .025 mg (daily) hasn't provided me with any noticeable physiological change. (This is Estradot 25, btw) So it would be nice to be taking something much stronger.

Right now, I'm in three Grade 9 classrooms. These kids are all around 14. It is funny to see them separated by gender. They had to do review for the final exam today. They were allowed to choose their own group to a maximum of four and in no class did a boy sit at the same table as a girl. This is probably the last year they will separate themselves like that.

I'm a bit concerned about transitioning and getting a job. I will be able to apply for jobs starting in September. (likely a job I could get as a rookie would be as a TOC, a.k.a teacher on call, substitute teacher, supply teacher.) I will not be full-time by then. So let's say I do that for six months or so. When I've gone full-time, I'll basically have to worry about the tolerance of many people, the school adminstrator being only one. My most important references at at that point will be from the "real" teacher I'm working with right now and from the woman from the University that will come to observe me. I'm not concerned with informing them in a year, "um, you may get some calls asking for __ ___ instead of ___ ___." But I'd still be relying on them to be cool with me.

Some more facial hair has entered the growth cycle in the last week. Obviously, I find it disgusting, but it is a good thing because that means it will be able to be killed at my laser appointment in mid February. Last appointment, I don't think there had been much growth.

I'm still pretty lonely. But being back at school and in a classroom means I at least get to see people. I don't like coming home. I don't like the weekends. The only thing to get excited about is my home theatre.

Two weeks ago I got drunk and bitched on Facebook about how my life sucked to someone in my program. Then I was embarrassed so I ignored her all week. Then I apologized for that. Sigh. This is the one I have that crush on. (yeah, it's harmless and I would never mention it; it's not gonna happen.)

Media done good

2010-01-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

Normally I don't post or comment on current events on this blog. But I was so impressed with this article on CBC, about a boater who is causing trouble in Vancouver. In my opinion it was as respectful as possible.

Some quotes:
first paragraph:
"Olympic security officials say the arrest of a female boater off Vancouver's Jericho Beach on New Year's Eve shouldn't raise concerns about marine security during the 2010 Games."

further in:

"The boat Tiny Dancer is registered to a Sam Coates, a man from Grand Forks, B.C.

Police said Coates is transgendered, and now is known as Samantha Coates.

"She is known to police," said Vancouver police Const. Lindsey Houghton.

"There were two incidents last year where Ms. Coates relinquished a starter pistol to police."

So the impression I got is that the only reason her trans status was mentioned is that her boat was registered. Also, she's only referred to as female by the police.

Ok, I don't have anything more to say about that.

relationships

2009-12-31T15:24:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not in a "relationship." But I'd like to talk about different kinds of them.

I've written before that I'm really lonely. I believe that's due to two different kinds of relationships that I am missing in my life. The first is somebody to do stuff with. I don't mean dating. I mean somebody who would call me and ask if I wanted to do something in particular with them. Or somebody who would come over for fun: "we'll think of something to do." I'm tired of doing everything alone. I told my sister that I wasn't going to bring my Wii into my bedroom to hook up to my new home theatre. She pointed out that I'd have nobody to play it with. That is quite true. It's a group thing. And I've had a friend over exactly once since I moved here at the end of July. I just realised that today and felt sad.

The second is somebody to talk to. I could talk to my ex about anything save the topic of this blog. I am however, pleased to know one person that "knows all my secrets" and whom I can talk to about anything. But this isn't somebody that I could just call to go out for coffee to chat or whatever.

I've lost my best friend and I'm not ok with it. There's just nothing there any more, relationship-wise. I don't say anything personal to my ex even if she asks. I'm not going to share with her.

Now you might say, "oh, just get some new friends." That is easier said than done. I made every effort during the last semester to do things with my colleagues. These things were all drinking related, but I had fun. But there isn't one whom I could call for no reason. There's also a gender-related component to it, naturally. I don't connect emotionally with guys. Sure, I'll go camping or hiking. But you can only talk about trucks for so long. So I'd rather get some female friends. But I'm aware of the connotations. I act as male during daily life, so if I call up a female and suggest doing something, that sends a message that I wouldn't want to send. This is why I don't do things with the aforementioned friend I can share anything with. It would be difficult to relay the message that I'm not interested romantically if I call a girl to do something.

On a romantic relationship note, I made a small decision. My next relationship (probably not for some time, of course) is going to be more equal. In my marriage, I didn't get to help make any decisions. Where we went for our honeymoon, vacations, which house we bought, these things were not my decision. We got a dog (and later a stray dog) that I explicitly said I did not want. Nobody would have ever said that I "wore the pants" in the relationship. I'm ok with that, but I think it would be better to be more egalitarian. I suppose I am a pushover. I'm concerned with making people happy.

all for now!

I'm so glad Christmas is over

2009-12-30T19:40:00.001-08:00

I haven't liked (or looked forward to) Christmas for the past few years. I particularily hate the dinner. I've actually done two in one day before! I don't really like Christmas dinner type foods, which makes it easy to not over-indulge. I think it's silly to have exactly the same thing each year, cooked in exactly the same way, "just because." I had a customer who exclaimed, "but it's not Christmas without cocktail onions."

I also dislike the "act" of the Christmas dinner. Normally, I'm a patient person. But these seem to drag on. And the anticipation of starting it is really annoying. You just sit there and make small talk and be useless. (I did bring the tapioca I was requested to make) Then all the food's ready. But wait! Let's take a picture! Oh, nobody knows how to work the timer on the fancy SLR. Let's just sit around and let the food get cold. Then when you're done eating after fifteen minutes, (since I don't eat lots at these things) everybody still has a plenty of food on their plates and is having seconds.

Company and table talk is another thing I dislike. This year my parents invited my grandfather's second wife. (he died in August, so this is my step grandma.) They also, as usual, invite this "family friend" of theirs whom they've known for twenty years. This guy is really annoying. He's on welfare/disability and spends all his time doing research on the intarwebs. I got really upset when he asked, "Where's H____? She wasn't at the Thanksgiving dinner either." I said nothing, just held up my left hand in front of my face. I almost started crying. I really felt the need to leave and go home, or at least hide myself in the bathroom. It was only through careful breathing and trying to clear my mind that I was able to get through it. The rest of the conversation around the table revolved around who had other Xmas dinners where and with whom, as well as the slight variations in the food. "So and so used an oven bag for the turkey this year."

This dinner happened on Boxing Day. On Christmas Eve, my parents came over for hors d'oeuvres. That was tolerable, although my sister had "set the ambiance" by playing Xmas music. I had just listened to it for eight hours at work. I stayed up until about 3:30 watching Love Actually. I watch that movie every year at Christmas. It always makes me cry. This year I cried more than usual.

Christmas Day, I had waffles in the morning with my sister and brother-in-law. Then my parents called and suggest going for a drive. They like to do this. We went on a 350 km round trip, and were going almost four hours. I've previously wrote about how my family has never really "shared." This is still the case. Number of personal questions asked in four hours: zero. This is annoying. (I'm not about to suddenly start sharing with my parents un-asked.) You'd think they'd have stuff to ask me about. It bothers me that I have not gone to church in years and that they have never asked why. I'm aware of their beliefs. They should be concerned for my soul. (No such thing!) Other than occasionally suggesting that I do something with a youth group, they don't bring it up. The same goes for my gender identity. It just is not discussed. They have not asked or made reference since I told them. I would tell the truth if they asked. "Hey, C____ you know that stuff you told us about almost six months ago? How are you coping? What is going on with that?" That would seem like denial, except that's what my family's like, and that's how I grew up. I've been asked exactly once how I'm dealing with the separation. That was back in August, by my mom. We went out for Indian food and when I pulled up to drop her off after, she asked, very "shyly." After the drive I made some simple food and had Christmas day dinner by myself.

Boxing Day, I got up at 3:30 for Boxing Day shopping. I bought a TV and a Blu-ray player, and have bought the rest of a home theatre set-up over the last few days. Watching movies and TV on DVD is very enjoyable for me. I had a nap, then went the the "Christmas" dinner at my parents'.

Sorry for going on and on as usual. But I am glad it's all over.

bitter

2009-12-21T02:10:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days, I've been feeling bitter toward my ex. Since I've been working lots (we work at the same store, remember?), I've had to see her occasionally. I've been thinking way too much about how I got fucked over. (figuratively, of course...) I'm upset with her for doing the fucking, and me for feeling guilty, bending over, and taking it.

To move away from the metaphor, basically I blamed myself for the marriage ending. But the reality was that she had this boyfriend lined up which made her start thinking about her future. Anyways, I should have held out for much more money.

Other than that, my mood in general is decent.

Not too much to say today...

I'm lonely

2009-12-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Like the title says, I'm lonely. I don't mean in a romantic sense. Logically, of course, being involved romantically would be unwise. Today my new teacher at my new school for my new practicum starting in January asked me if I had any "obligations" at "home", so I pretty much had to tell her "no, I'm separated." Oddly enough she didn't seem really comfortable speaking French with me. She said it's the first time she's had a "boy" student teacher. I did not say anything other than to point out that that is obvious; French teachers tend to be female. Hopefully she does not treat me differently because she thinks I'm male. (hey, I was wearing a really nice shirt in between pink/purple that I bought at H&M yesterday)

Anyway back to the loneliness thing. I wish I had friends that I could reliably call up to do something with. The weekend before last, I invited my best male friend (he happens to be single) to come over to play Guitar Hero. This was at six o'clock. He said he was too tired. WHAT THE FUCK! this guy is so flakey. Plus I would never try to talk to him about emotional stuff. Jesus, it was Friday night, what the fuck did he have to do the next day? I just went through my cellphone phonebook. Not including duplicates, I have 15 people listed. There is no one that I could call just to do something. This makes me sad; I just started to tear up. Either they live to far away or they are female. Obviously if you are reading a trans blog you are probably aware of gender issues, but a genetic male *can't* call up a female to ask to just hang out. I wish that weren't the case. On Tuesday, I saw New Moon alone again for a second time. There is nobody that I could ask to go with me. (I suppose my sister might've, but she's a youth leader. Yeah, all my family is religious except for me, the heathen. oh you think they know? I have no idea. They must know that I don't go to church but they don't bother asking me why not. Do you think my parents or younger sister have talked to me about my "trans"ness since I came out to them at the beginning of fucking JULY? of course fucking not. They don't know I've had three laser treatments at that I've been on hormones for six weeks or so. I'm not exactly going to share that shit out of the blue. "what did you do today?" "oh, I got my third laser hair removal treatment, I'm taking steps towards transitioning." Yeah fucking right. I'm sure they'd judge me, but it does bother me that they don't seem to care. I was fairly clear that my being trans was the main reason for my failed marriage. (well I didn't say any word starting in "T" I just said that "I have gender issues and described it a little") Goddamn. None of my family or "friends" even bothers to ask why I do not go to church. Aren't they supposed to be concerned for my "soul"? (yeah of course there is no such thing). If somebody would ask me a direct question I would not lie, such as if somebody asked me, "why have you stopped going to church?" Do you think anyone ever has? Nope. I guarantee that I'm on tonnes of prayer lists. But why doesn't anyone talk to me? No idea. I suppose they don't know what to say. So fucking what. I will be honest in response to most questions unless they are from my ex. She is sort of under the impression that I'm trans due to hormonal imbalance(I said I had been to an endocrinologist.) Well little does she know that my hormonal balance is improving due to my medication! Like I'm going to share shit with her! Fuck, it's horrible working with her there. (Today, at a mini-meeting type thing our company has she was sitting beside her new fucking boyfriend. Earlier this year we would have been sitting together. I'm glad that I will only be working there five days a week until January 4th. ) I wish I had friends. I wish I could call someone and say, "Hey, I'm watching Hackers, wanna come over?" But I don't have anyone like that. My school friends live far away. I tried inviting people over (I copied six people in an email) to my house because my sister and bro-in-law weren't going to be home that evening/morning. I think, my reader(s), that you can guess how many people came. I got five "sorry, can't come" and one non-response.) Over the past few months, I've been trying to go to as many parties with the "party" crew from school as possible. This is an attempt to quell my loneliness, which is partially successful.

Basically most of my loneliness is just wanting "friends." I would prefer female friends; I can only talk about trucks for so long... But the other 30% is physical contact. The spironolactone and hormones have removed my normal "libido." However, I still crave physical contact. That's another reason I have been going to these bars with my new friends. Drunk hugs from friends/girl I have a crush on are better than hugs from family on holidays/special occasions.

Fucking "sigh."

Yes I am fucking drunk.

third laser treatment

2009-12-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

I had my third laser hair removal treatment today.

I don't think six weeks was enough to wait between treatments; I didn't have too much growth. Obviously there's no way to know for sure, but I scheduled my next one nine weeks from today.

My first two were with one technician, and this one was with another. The first tech was much more slower and methodical. She had me hold ice packs on my face before and after she did each section. She also frequently asked my pain level on a scale of 1-10. This second tech was more casual and friendly. She didn't offer any ice packs and she didn't ask about pain much, although she was impressed that I did not use EMLA. (I haven't tried it because I always take transit to downtown Vancouver; I hate driving there. I'd have to have the Saran wrap on my face for the entire trip.)

Pain was mostly a lot less than the last two times. I think most of it was that I didn't have to much growth. At this point, if I miss two or three days shaving, it isn't really noticeable. I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that I'm not the down side of a hair cycle, or if the laser hair treatment is particularily effective on me. I did show the technician a picture of me from two years ago when I had a beard, and she was impressed.
That was from about two years ago.(also, see how long my hair was then. If only it was that long now.) I was working nights, so I didn't need to be presentable. I'm guessing that's a couple months' worth of growth. Sorry, about pain. This time the part that hurt most was the upper lip, especially near the nose. The other times didn't hurt on the upper lip as much. This time left lots of those exploded little hairs under the surface of the skin, but only on the upper lip.

I'm really happy that the laser hair removal seems to be working well. My next treatment nine weeks from now is already paid for. If progress thus far is an indication of effectiveness, I'll probably only get one or two more treatments after the next one. Hopefully I will not have to do too much electrolysis; that's much more inconvenient. I also think it's a wise thing to do as much hair removal as possible before transitioning at work or school. Obviously electro would be tricky if I had to keep up appearances.

Speaking about keeping up appearances, I tried something after the last treatment. (not today's) I tried not shaving for a week to let my skin heal. I found that I had a lot less skin irritation and acne than I did after the first treatment, when I shaved after one day. Anyways, my professor who came to observe me when I was teaching gave me shit the next time I saw him. I had also not tucked in my shirt that day. (I was rather well dressed aside from that) And he gave me a lecture about shaving everyday and dressing better, saying that "oh yeah, khakis are cheap." Well I was dressed well, although it was true I had visible beard growth. This guy happens to be gay. (he has a husband) I am very glad I did not come out then and there. It would have been convenient to explain exactly why I hadn't shaven. But I'm glad I didn't; as I wrote in my last post, the LGB people aren't necessarily T friendly. This guy has power over me. He might have been cool with it, but who knows...?

fortnightly check-in

2009-12-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I don't mean to do this only every two weeks. But somehow it just works out like that.

I don't really follow LGBT blogs that closely. I hadn't even heard of this Bilerico project place until this recent drama hit. Some activist that I'd also never heard of apparently posted something controversial that was somewhat anti-trans. There are reactions about it all over the LGBT blogosphere. They even pulled that post.

Anyways, something happened last week that reminded me of all the above. At my university, we had a couple presenters in to talk to us about educating homephobia. At the beginning, they wrote "LGBTQ" on the board and asked if everybody knew what that meant. One of them identified as "homosexuelle." (That word is declined to the feminine) The other one didn't identify herself as "LGBTQ" but specified that she had a female partner.

A big gripe I had was that they only paid the "T" lip service. They barely mentioned anything "T" related at all, other than boasting that one of their posters mentioned transphobia as well as homophobia. They, of course, did indeed mention that gender identity =/ sexual orientation.

The second issue I had was that the workshop was based solely on ways to educate students about homophobia, using ways such as comparing homophobia to racism or sexism. I think they should have mentioned ways to make the LGTBQ students in our classrooms to feel safer and more included. For example, something I do in my classroom is never separate boys/girls, or choose groups that way. Obviously, I'm more sensitive than most teachers, but I think sensitivity on this matter is something all teachers need to develop. I know I dislike having to choose, so I'm sure it's just as difficult for a trans student, or a questioning student.
Another thing I believe in is avoiding heteronormativity. I remember this one game we played in Grade 6 French Immersion, « veux-tu m'épouser ? » or "will you marry me?" The goal was to make another student smile when you proposed. Obviously this was a very heteronormative game; I'm sure nobody would have dared to propose to someone of the same gender.

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Hormones are still making me feel awesome. I haven't taken the anti-depressant (it was a weak one anyways) for two weeks. I just feel pretty happy in general, and the feeling of awesomeness is still there. I'm probably doing a horrible job of describing it, but it's a completely different thing for me.
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Non-trans related: My practicum is over. I have another one starting in January. It was a pretty good experience for the most part. I think I learned a great deal about teaching. I know I improved a lot during the roughly four weeks. Now I have three weeks off from school, which means I have to work more and earn some money. I was a little upset today at work. Not only did I go on my break at the wrong time (my ex was in the lunchroom) but then her new boyfriend came in to the lunchroom and started talking to her. Finally her father was in shopping and said hi.

I've been turning into somewhat of a party animal. I swear I'm at a "party" party every week-end. Last weekend I went to one on a Saturday night even though I had to work the next day, which meant for a really rough drive to work. (I slept over there; I would never drink and drive) Then on Thursday I was in quite the hedonistic mood, I guess. Not only did I get drunk at the pub on campus at lunch(hey, it was a shortened day), but I went to a club in Surrey with the usual party crowd from my programme. Let's just say I have no idea how much I drank, but I spent the $100 I had brought... I also danced, which is apparently only something I've started doing in the last two weeks or so. At the end my friends cut me off. This kind of drinking is much different than I would do before. Before, I would often get drunk alone after work. (no matter what the time of day!) Now, I seem to "only" binge drink socially once or twice a week(end). I don't seem to have any interest in drinking at home, aside from maybe a beer with food.

oops, I blabbed on yet again.

Canadian Blood services and misc.

2009-11-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

Nearly 4 weeks ago I attempted to donate blood. I was unsuccessful.

The first problem was that the registering person(not the nurse) put down "Mr" in the computer without asking me. I asked her to remove it, but she was unable to, even after asking a supervisor. She promised that they wouldn't send me letters so I would never see or hear that word.

Next problem was seeing the screening nurse. She was only somewhat familiar with trans issues. For example, after I told her which drugs I was taking she asked me, "so you were born a..." Obviously no transperson born a woman would be taking estrogen... Even though I wasn't taking any drugs that would not allow me to donate(Proscar would be an example), she had to ask for medical approval (from a doctor who wasn't there). They were supposed to call two weeks later.

Well today, I got a letter addressed to "Mr. ____ ______." I do have approval now. But now my reason for donating(I was trying to donate to add to my school's tally) is disappeared. So I don't know if I'll bother. Donating means being outed every time.
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TMI alert
Effects of hormones:
I'm not quite sure. I still feel pretty good, including self-esteem. I decided to stop taking the mild anti-depressant a few days to rule out its effect on my morale.
Spontaneous erections are a thing of the past.
Libido is not entirely gone. But somehow it is different. When I masturbate, (about once a week), it's mostly out of curiosity.(I can, erections aren't very hard, however) My "desire" is more for cuddling or non-sexual physical intimacy.

/TMI
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I'm still changing as a person. Friday night, I went to a birthday party for a girl from my programme. It was at a bar. I wouldn't have actually gone, but I was misled into thinking it was more of a pub. Anyway, instead of my plan of making an appearance and staying an hour, I moved my car to where it could stay overnight. I actually danced for the first time. Well, first time doing a non-structured dance. That kind of stuff has always terrified me. It's sort of artistic expression with no explicit rules. To me, it's like somebody tells you to sing, but you can't sing a song that you know, or even one that exists. Anyways, it wasn't too bad. I didn't get super drunk since I didn't start early enough. Anecdote: I nearly jizzed myself(that's a gender neutral term these days) when the birthday girl (who I have a huge crush on, incidently) leaned her head on my shoulder during a photo op. The birthday girl, another programme colleague, and I went to the birthday girl's house to crash. (at 3 am!) They laid down on her bed right away and I laid down between them. Then we talked about who had crushes on who and that kind of stuff. I sorta felt like "one of the girls." I love that feeling, although it doesn't usually last. In this case, I left the bed to sleep on the floor. (I was sober enough to realize that it would be creepy when one of them woke up with me next to them.)

Which brings me to the last thing I want to write about at this moment. For me, wanting to be female isn't "all about the clothes" , which is the impression you get from reading many trans blogs. (I'm not criticizing.) Rather, it's the social role(or perceived social role??) that appeals to me. For example, today in this class I'm taking, we did a kind of role play game. Five of us had a role to play. We each got a piece of paper with instructions on how we were supposed to act. The goal of the activity was to demonstrate cultural differences. Each of the five had different instructions, an example being to avoid making eye contact while or listening. The one I got was that I had to shake hands upon "meeting" somebody and then I had to touch the arm, elbow, or shoulder when talking. Somebody pointed out that it would be especially weird because guys aren't allowed to do that kind of stuff in our culture. (which is completely true, of course) That's just one tiny example of me being jealous of female role(s).

All for now, stay safe!

I am fucking awesome.

2009-11-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been on the hormones for two and a half weeks. I don't know which of these things are the cause of my newfound awesomeness: the hormones/spiro or the anti-depressants.(or both?)

Regardless, I've never felt this way in my life. At the one week mark I did not feel any different whatsoever. Now, hopefully I can describe how I'm feeling. It's difficult when you're emotionally stunted, I suppose. Basically, I just feel like I'm the most awesome person ever. It's probably a self-esteem thing. I would never have thought that I liked myself. Two weeks ago, I could have listed off several of my good qualities, but still felt that I "sucked." Now, I can think of some negative qualities, but they don't seem to be that important. Before, I would occasionally feel like I had to pretend to be happy, and now I actually am.

I really hope this lasts; I like it.

I have noticed the libido dwindle down to nothing. Before, I would attempt "preemptive masturbation" to try to (unsuccessfully) curb sexual thoughts, but now I don't need to. This is a desired effect, for now at least.

-------
What else?
•I've been on a practicum in a high school. That's been going well; I really enjoy it.
•I am seriously thinking of moving for January. I would hopefully be able to get a practicum placement close to where I move, or vice-versa. I don't get quite enough privacy here. For example, I couldn't practice makeup in the bathroom.
•I am really happy to be working toward my future career. I don't come home from a day at school and feel the need to start drinking immediately like I did when I worked five days a week at the grocery store.
•One of my colleagues at university was surprised that I was separated, because I "seem so happy." Even before my recently discovered self-esteem, I didn't let it bother me. Of course I miss her for the most part, but for now at least, I am enjoying the single life. On Tuesday night a few of us from university went to the pub to watch the horrible Canucks game, then went to somebody's house to play Rock Band and drinking games. I couldn't do that kind of stuff while married. It was great to go out and not know where I was going to spend the night and when I'd be home. (I slept on somebody's couch)
•I watched 2012 on Saturday. I do like the disaster genre, but was surprised to find myself tearing up when characters died. I wonder if I can blame that one on the hormones/spiro. Usually I only cry in a drama, such as My Sister's Keeper.

I've been failing in my blog duties

2009-10-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long break. I could say that I've been busy, which is true, but I'm fairly lazy.

Last Tuesday I had my first full face laser treatment. I chose not to do anything for the pain during the procedure, aside for the ice numbing before each section is done. It hurts, there's no way around it. I think it's just one of those things that you suffer through, since the result is worth it. The technician said that I was very tolerant of the pain, but that my skin was sensitive. I stayed after my appointment to keep an ice pack on my face. Then I went to a drugstore to buy aloe vera gel. The pain after was very manageable, but the aloe did feel nice. There was some redness, but the swelling was confined to the under chin/jaw area. So it almost looked like I had a double chin. The tingling was gone the next day, but I've had lots of acne since. I haven't been shaving much, to let the zapped hairs get pushed out. That started to happen today.

Since I was a bit worried about pain, I did a little drinking before, but not enough to help. The real drinking started after I got out of the laser clinic. I had brought a mickey of vodka along. (a 375 mL bottle, or about 13 oz) I nearly finished that over the next five hours or so. This meant I was pretty drunk all evening, which may have been a poor choice. I met about half the people from my class at a theatre and we saw a play. Nobody mentioned my redness. I was pretty emotional before; for some reason I was crying while waiting for everybody to get there. I think I was very friendly to one of my colleagues, but I don't think it crossed the line into flirty. After, another colleague offered me the use of her couch, since it would have taken me an hour to get to my car and another hour to get home. (although obviously I wouldn't have driven drunk no matter what) This girl is a lesbian. I knew pretty much as soon as I met her. Since I had lowered inhibitions, I came out to her. She was supportive, but we haven't talked about it since. When I woke I was so disoriented. I basically didn't know where her apartment was beyond a general area. Somehow, my intuition was enough to lead me to a Skytrain station.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the endocrinologist. I got a prescription for estrogen, (patch form) progesterone(he asked me if I had an opinion about this, I didn't) and a real dose of spironolactone. Since my last therapist appointment, I had decided that there was little point in starting on spiro with no E. I asked the endo how long before the physical changes will be harder to hide. Unfortunately that is not predictable. I'm not going to commit to a timeline, but transition in April, August, or December 2010 are the dates on the table. It depends on physical and behavioural changes, as well as scheduling. It would be unwise to transition in the middle of my long practicum next year. I realise that when I apply for my first teaching jobs in 2011 that all the references will be in my current name, which means that I'll be outed to the administrator who is hiring as well as the school district. I can live with that. What I don't think I could live with is being a substitute teacher who doesn't pass. Teenagers can be quite cruel. The endo also ordered a blood test, which I got first thing this morning. (if you don't know, you have to fast beforehand) That was the first time in my life that I'd had blood taken. It was really easy. I barely felt the needle go in, and watched three vials fill without getting squeamish. The endo had put "F" on the blood request form. That's the first time I've seen my name associated with the "F". It was a nice feeling. But the "F" meant that the nurse at the lab asked me why it was there. Without saying anything I pointed to the comments line that said "MTF transsexual." She apologized, and I said it was no problem. I will have to get used to that kind of thing happening. I think I have a thick skin. (Yeah, I know, it's easy to say that now...)

As an aside, my mood has generally been good. I am happy to be in a high school, on a short practicum. But going to school makes appointments and stuff hard. Yesterday I had to leave early to go to the endo. Tuesday I have another laser appointment. Two weeks seems way too short of an interval. Perhaps they are just trying to get money. I will make the next one four weeks away. I've already paid for the next three since there was a sale on.

All for now!

Hair removal

2009-10-11T20:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I am taking more steps on this journey!

I had a test patch for laser hair removal done on Tuesday. I also booked an appointment for next week. Some people reading this likely have certain questions that I may be able to answer.

Pain: Hell yes. It's often described as a rubber band being snapped on your skin. I'd describe it as a mix of that and being pricked by a pin, only a "sharper" pain. Now, pain is different to compare or explain, but I think I have a relatively high pain tolerance. In the first ten seconds after my leg lacerations I was more upset about the scars that will be red for at least a year or two than the pain. I watched closely as the ER doctor put the freezing needle in my skin parallel to my wounds. It didn't bother me at all. The laser pain was very "sharp", not the dull pain of pressing on a bruise. Each "zap" hurts for only a very short time. There was only one zap that made me breathe in. She did a patch sort of under my chin and another on the upper lip. Oddly enough, it hurt more under the chin than on the lip.

Redness: the reddish on my upper lip went away by the next day, but the patch under my chin is still red and rough-feeling five days later. I think it will be quite noticeable when I get my whole face done next week. (I am going to a play with my class two hours after my appointment!) There isn't much I can do about that. I suppose I will just have to be vague and not answer any questions about it.

I'm not sure what kind of reduction I should hope for.

Question: Is there anything I can do for the pain other than Emla cream? I will be on a bus for the hour or so before my appointment, so I don't want plastic wrap all over my face! Would a normal painkiller like ibuprofen do anything? Or how about a few shots of hard liquor? I know it won't be pleasant no matter what...

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I think that it may have been a mistake to stay living where I am now. I don't have as much of a connection here. I hardly have any friends; none that I see once a week or two. I don't like living in my old room, in the house I grew up in. I don't like imposing on my sister and brother-in-law. Last week I spent two nights sleeping elsewhere, for the sake of convenience.

If an opportunity arises, I may move in December. Otherwise, I still would like to move in May 2010.

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On Friday I did something "out of my comfort zone." I went to a party at one of my classmate's. Normally I don't like going to parties at which I don't know what will happen. What I mean by that is that I like to know who will be there and what events are planned. But I did go, and had lots of fun. We played Rock Band and later played a drinking game. I should make more of an effort to do things other than sit at home on the net or seeing movies alone.

Getting somewhere

2009-09-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I am making some progress on this confusing path through transition.

I don't want to say that "no matter what, I'm going to go through this." I want to be cautious. I may come to think that transitioning is not for me. There is no point going through hell if I don't want to arrive at the destination.

Still, that's not how I feel. I don't feel like a guy; I like it when someone refers to me as something else. Today, a girl at school said something to someone else along the lines of "all the guys do ...." . But she specified, "except for you of course ____."

Monday was a horrible, horrible day. It was the worst day I've had since that phone call from the doctor's office which outed me. The specifics don't really matter, it's more about how these events made me feel. Point form:

1. I dented my car(not majorly) in a single car accident involving entering a parking lot.
2. I ran over a squirrel 45 minutes later. (I obviously didn't get the combination of swerving and slowing down right)
3. I lacerated my leg an hour after that. That required stitches. I was doing something without the proper protection; I knew better.

What didn't help was that I had to be somewhere that evening and overnight. I would have preferred to sulk and be alone. But our entire class was having a bonding "retreat", so I couldn't leave after my leg accident. Any one of those things alone wouldn't have bothered me a huge amount, but it was just an entire mess that got me down.

The leg cuts were indeed fairly deep. I was basically forced to go to the hospital. I kept telling everybody that it was fine, but one woman insisted on giving me first aid, saying that she liked me and she didn't want anything bad happening to me. But she was panicking, worrying that she didn't know what she was doing. So she asked around if anyone knew first aid. This other girl (that I have a crush on, incidentally) had a certificate because she works with kids, so she said she would help me. She was really calm and professional. Then I was forced off to the hospital. But I wasn't allowed to drive myself; two people took me. Basically, this was all humiliating, getting all the attention. People were bringing me water and dessert.

So during the car ride there, I was crying half the way. Luckily I was in the back, so my colleagues didn't see me. Then at the hospital emergency room, I was allowed inside the ER to wait for a room to be available, so I was alone. I cried some more. Then when we got back, everybody made a big fuss. I did enjoy the two hugs I got, (one from the first aid girl I have a crush one) since it's been a long time since I've gotten a hug from somebody that I wasn't related to. But I'd come back to a dance party; the campfire had been canceled due to rain. Now, I don't dance. I don't mind "learning" a dance. Once, at a friend's wedding, we were taught certain square dances. That was really fun. But I just can't do "creative" things. I suppose that that could be explained as "learned helplessness" meaning that I've decided that I can't be creative so I won't try. I got C's and C-'s in middle school art class. So basically I refuse to dance, since it isn't something that I can be taught. I wish that could change. Perhaps one day.

Anyways, yesterday I saw my GP. He'd gotten the letter from my psychologist. He gave me a prescription for a "mild" anti-depressant and a low dose of spironolactone. He is also referring me to a nearby endocrinologist who has trans-experience; I think he wanted the endo to deal with the hormone stuff. I was once again impressed that he treated me just like another patient with a more mundane problem.

So yay, I'm getting drugs. I will get a stronger dose of spiro, see how that makes me feel, then consider estrogen.

Yet another misc. post

2009-09-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

Miscellanea,

At lunch time yesterday, some of us students were discussing what is acceptable for a teacher to discuss with a student. An example given was a teenage girl asking advice from her teacher on how to seek an abortion. The conversation evolved into a discussion of the girls in the group remembering how they had the "period" talk in elementary school. I remember that day, in grade 6. All of the boys in the class were kicked out during class time and made to wait outside of the school. We were curious, but I supposed it wasn't deemed acceptable for mixed-groups to learn about the menstration cycle. One girl mentioned that her class got that talk as a mixed group.

Another girl mentioned that as teachers, we might "have transgender, gay, and lesbian, and what's the proper term for hermaphrodite." I blurted out that it was "intersex", and she went on to explain that some of those kids might not like to be singled out into one gender group. I was tempted to say "you should try being an adult like that" but I didn't. I was impressed that somebody could be so thoughtful. Perhaps I'm more used to the religious, close-minded kinds of people.

Speaking of religious people, I was over at my parents' place last night for supper. I mentioned that I had finished The Life of Pi. (my mom had lent it to me) I said that it was clearly a metaphor for something, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. My dad said that it was a metaphor for the "interchangeability of religions." I was astonished to hear him say that, especially since he didn't say it disapprovingly. Now, over ten years ago in high school I had occasionally stated that C.S. Lewis suggested in The Last Battle that it didn't matter what religion you followed. But he didn't necessarily react to that back then.

I have an appointment with my GP on Tuesday. He should have the letter sent from my therapist by then. I am hoping that he is willing to help me. If not, there is an endocrinologist one town over that deals with trans patients. I am eager to find out how the anti-depressant and spiro will affect me.

Nobody in my class has mentioned my smooth, moisturized legs. I wasn't worried about people asking, but I was just curious. I do wear shorts most of the time. I wish I had ones that were less baggy. But I think I missed the shorts season.

Fortnightly update try #2

2009-09-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry about that last night. I had a bit too much too drink. I was at the "comfortably numb" phase but I didn't slow down enough.

Last week was my first week of school. It was generally a pretty good experience. I'm very pleased to be back in school, working toward my career. Universities in Canada have a probably 55-60% female population. My French classes have generally been at least 75% female. I don't know the percentage of school teachers that are female, but I'm trying to get at the point that my program is about 85% female. I like that. I'm hoping to be an honorary girl. One day, waiting around a table waiting for class to resume after a break, I was offered the use of orange hand moisturizer, an opportunity which I grasped.

On Wednesday, I was on the bus heading downtown for a therapy appointment. There were a couple girls on the bus from my class, so I sat next to them. They were going shopping for clothes. I was hoping to get invited, but no such luck. One asked me why I was going downtown, since it's in the opposite direction from where I live. I said I had therapy. She asked why. I said that I didn't want to say, but that I was seeing a psychologist.

I do look forward to therapy sessions. It's always interesting to see what gets discussed. This last time, there was little talk about gender identity; it was more about depression. My therapist is going to recommend to my GP that I go on a mild antidepressant, in addition to spironolactone. What I'm wondering is how will I be able to tell which of those drugs is affecting me? I am curious to see how I'll be affected nonetheless. It'd be nice to be happier. And I would be happy to lose my sex drive. I just thought of this the other day: when I'm admiring a girl's body, what part of that is jealousy, and what part is plain sexual attraction? It's probably both, but at what percentage. That's another reason I want to get rid of this testosterone stuff.

I need to book a laser appointment. I'm assuming I go somewhere for a free consult, then book a time slot.

There are enough bloggers that cover any trans-related news item, so I'm not really interested in doing that. But I may as well have a paragraph on Castor Semenya.

Unfortunately, there is no good solution to the problem of intersexed people in sports. None. All the suggestions I've seen or thought of have flaws. Make the intersexed gendered-females compete in men's sports? They won't have a competitive chance. Make intersexed people compete in their own category? Not going to happen; sport organizations aren't going to create a third gender category. Also, how will intersexed people be discovered? Are governments going to start carefully examining babies at birth? Another suggestion is instead of having two gender categories, create categories that an athlete goes into depending on their testosterone level. That is not fair. Let's say a gendered-male athlete gets an orchiectomy. His testosterone level would be fairly low. But he would still have the benefit of more bone mass, bigger muscles, etc. What about creating sports that are based less on strength and endurance, and more on skill? Googling showed me that men and women compete together in the Olympics in sailing and show jumping. But nearly all individual sports are gender-bifurcated. I don't see how that is going to change.

Best attempt at a solution is more discretion. This poor girl has made international news for something which is intensely private. How did this get released? National and international sporting organizations need clear policies. With this Castor Semenya thing, I have heard that her gender had been questioned in the past. Did her national athletics association ignore these allegations? Honestly, there is no easy solution. You could say it isn't fair for her to compete with women. I could point out that it wouldn't be fair for me to have to compete in a marathon with Kenyans. (The difference is that sports are not separated ethnicity , but by gender.)

Confusing stuff.

Fortnightly update

2009-09-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

You know, when I make a post here, that's the result of an urge to post. Most often I feel like it, but I'm away from my computer, or I feel lazy, or whatever. I'm not claiming that I have these awesome great posts that I think about for days before writing. But this is just what I'm like in general. I often write angry letters to companies, blog posts, diary entries in my head, (occasionally even suicide notes - not recently, however) but little of that actually makes to to the written-down stage. I know I don't make coherent posts on one theme, but I'm writing. It's as much for me as for anyone else.

I just finished watching Marley & Me. I cried a lot, well for me. Normally when I cry during a movie (or T.V. - last time being the wedding episode "You are Cordially Invited" of Deep Space 9) it's just a "tearing up" type thing. This movie made me get to the "sniffly, runny nose" stage. I am definitely more emotional than I used to be. (I mean over the last ten years or so) Yet I'm still pretty cold-hearted. That does bother me somewhat. I think I used to suppress my emotions for whatever reason. I remember explaining to one of the staff at Bible school (about seven years ago) that I "didn't believe in feeling emotions." That seems silly no matter how you look at it, but that was how I felt. I was also jealous of Tuvok, because he was able to suppress his emotions. I have no idea why I felt like that. I'm speculating, but perhaps I thought it was expected as part of the "male role". Confusing.

I don't miss living with our dog (a yellow lab, just like in the movie) I didn't like that he was "always there" that we'd always need to take care of him daily. We couldn't go out overnight without organising somebody to look after him. (well at least letting him out and feeding him!) I hated that all my clothes were covered in hair. I should note at this point that I never wanted a dog. My ex (goddamn I hate to write that) wanted one and would have gotten him against my wishes. But at the same time I miss having somebody greet me at the door. Or somebody to cuddle with. It was in fact fun to spoon with our dog, or go on a BIKE RIDE OMG!

Since my last post, I have remembered something trans related from my childhood! I've had this blog since the end of 2007. Not sure why I'd remember something now. Anyway, I specifically remember wanting to "be a girl" to see what it was like. I can pinpoint this memory to roughly Grade 4 or 5, and that I specifically felt that I only wanted it to be for a day. (again "just to see what it was like")

I am drunk so anything else from this post might not make sense

Gender theory

2009-09-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not well read on this topic, but I have a tiny bit to say anyways. I'll start to rectify this lack of knowledge, because now that I'll be back in school, I'll be able to get books via inter-library loan. And I won't need to hide books in my car and read them on my break at work any more.

Dyssonance had a long post on "Dogma, Women, and Gender theory."

Here's an extract:

If sex and gender are the same thing, then how you are born is, basically, how you are. Transsexual women are not women all their lives, nor are they women after surgery; they are just men who had surgery under this basis.

In general communication of people outside the realm of transsexuals and their related associatives, this particular understanding is what is still held, because for centuries it was taught to them that way. The concept of gender as separate from sex is relatively new – dating back only about 70 years or so.

And it wasn’t until the very late 1990’s and early 2000’s that the basis for them being separate was proven.

So, to a very real extent, it’s only been about 8 years that the entirety of our understanding of gender has changed.

And Véronique just pointed out that:

The word gender was originally a grammatical term. Words had gender: masculine, feminine, and in some languages neuter. Later, it took on two new meanings: a kind of euphemistic synonym for sex...

In my first post here, I mentioned a class that I took in Fall 2007. The teacher was likely gay, but he didn't state that. Discussing the term "gender", he pointed out that the term only newly exists in French. If you type in "Gender" into Wikipedia, you'll be taken to this page.

The first line of that page is "Gender is a term that refers to the set of characteristics that humans perceive as distinguishing between men and women, extending from one's biological sex to one's social role or gender identity. " Note you have to click the disambiguation page to visit the grammatical gender page.

However, if you type in "Genre" in the French language wikipedia, you come automatically to the disambiguation page. The first listing on that page is for grammatical gender, the second one takes you to the Genus page, and finally the third listing is for Gender(Social sciences).

The first little bit:

Le genre est un concept récent en sciences sociales et en médecine dont on peut simplement appréhender le sens au travers des deux citations suivantes :

* « Le sexe, c'est ce que l'on voit, le genre, c'est ce que l'on ressent » Dr Harry Benjamin[réf. souhaitée]
* « Le genre, c'est ce que l'on pourrait appeler le "sexe social" » Christine Delphy[réf. souhaitée]

Le concept de genre (gender) a été créé dans la langue anglaise car le mot sex y possède un champ sémantique beaucoup plus réduit que le mot « sexe » en français — rendant difficile la présentation de la place des hommes et des femmes dans la société — et sous l'influence des féministes, qui différencièrent le sexe anatomique du genre afin de remettre en cause les contraintes imposées par ce dernier.

Translation: (mine)

Gender is a recent concept in social science and in medicine via these two quotes:

"Sex is what you see, gender is what you feel," Dr. Harry Benjamin
"Gender is what you could call the social sex," Christine Delphy

The concept of gender was created in the English language because the English word sex has a much more reduced semantic field compared to the word "sexe" in French, which makes the presentation on the part of men and women in society difficult, and under feminist influence, who distinguish anatomical sex from gender in order to question the constraints of the latter.

Sorry about the comma splicing in the last paragraph, the original wasn't too clear.

What I'm trying to get at is that the term "gender" in English is a creation to explain a concept. This is actually a strength of the English language, the fact the new words are created to explain something new, or that words are borrowed from other languages to fill a gap in English. I'm not saying that new words are less worthy; I'm saying that they are extremely useful.

Gender is an essential word for the T* community. Without it, it would be more difficult to discuss gender identity. Since "genre" is less accepted in French than "gender" is in English, people must use less precise words to talk about it.

Unfortunately, in English at least, the terms "sex" and "gender" are sometimes used interchangeably. Forms that you have to fill out for whatever reason always used to have a box labelled "Sex". Now, some of them say "Gender". This makes it difficult for we gender variant types. Should we interpret the "Sex" box as meaning "legal sex" and a "Gender" box as meaning "social sex"? I'm not sure.

Another example is when I came out to my parents. My father cautioned me to not tell me too many people since "society doesn't understand sexual variation." I agreed, but clarified that it was "gender" that we were discussing. While he did use the wrong term, I was impressed that he showed at least some understanding. I wonder how he (and my mom) will react as I begin the difficult transition process. I'm not sure what to share with them and when. Do I slip it into a conversation that "oh, btw, I've been chemically castrated."?

good mood atm

2009-08-30T21:09:00.001-07:00

I'm in a generally good and optimistic mood.* I don't think I can nail it down to anything in particular thing, but I have a couple ideas.

- I'm getting excited about school. I do like going to school. I could be a career student if that were feasible. The odd thing about my like of school is that despite completing a bachelor's degree, I never actually learned study habits. This is a bad thing.

- I'm actually getting somewhere with plans for transition. My therapist agrees with me that it would be best to start my professional career as a teacher fully transitioned. The plan is to transition after the practicum. So we're talking April-ish. She's also going to recommend me for hormones. I will start with Spironolactone as per my wishes, and then "see" how that works out.** Obviously it would be best to go full-time with at least some boobage. I am excited about starting hormone treatment. I'm really curious as to the effect of eliminating testosterone on my body and mind will be. This will be the first time in my life that I've ever had a continuing drug prescription for anything.

*Don't worry, I won't started updating my blog every day with mood updates.
**I feel guilty about this. She asked me, keeping eye contact, what I thought about starting estrogen and spiro at the same time versus starting spiro first. I said that I'd prefer trying spiro first. She said that she'd been trying to "read" my eyes. Unfortunately, I'm hard to read. (I don't make it easy for her. :( ) I don't express emotions easily.(I think it's something that I've taught myself for whatever reason) Hopefully, I'll be able to change that.

---------
Other stuff:

I'm getting psyched about starting a female wardrobe. That's something that I've got to do quite soon. Can't go out en femme without clothes, now, can I? I don't really like shopping, but hopefully this will be different.

Thinking about going part-time raises a question though. Going out for a couple hours is one thing if I bring a change of femme clothes with me. But in a few months, I suspect I'll want to spend more time at home dressed en femme. Is my sister going to have a problem with that? I'm living as her tenant, pretty much. This is why part of me thinks it would be more convenient to live closer to Vancouver: I could more easily "go out" as a "sometimes passer". There certainly aren't any groups for CD's or TG's out here.

I'm going to the PNE with my ex tomorrow. This'll be the first thing we've done together since separation other than having coffee twice. I'm hoping it won't be too weird to be there with her. After all, the last time I was there was with her, perhaps three years ago. I really hope we can continue to be some kind of friends. I'm not expecting it, but it would be even better if she'd help me shop for femme clothes!! (yeah, probably not gonna happen.)

Voice is something that worries me about transition, even going part-time. There are indeed some amazing videos on youtube. But I'm worried that I just can't. I haven't tried yet. I know it's more than just pitch. My ex has a male friend who has a high pitched voice, yet you'd never mistake it for a female voice. Still, when I met Véronique a few weeks ago, her voice was not at all male. I doubt she gets gendered male on the phone very often.

I think I should buy a wig. (I wish I hadn't cut my hair two months ago :( ) My new brother-in-law had a couple friends over a few weeks ago. One of them obviously had alopecia, with a fair amount of hair loss on the top of her head. At the wedding, she said hi to me as I walked by. I didn't recognise her right away because she was wearing a wig and fake eyelashes. They just made her look like someone else.

All for now!

yo-yo

2009-08-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been going up and down recently. There's this feeling of discouragement that comes and goes.

My last post was during one of those "down" times. The next day, I felt even worse, and was going to write another post wondering how I could feel worse than the previous day. But then the next day I felt better, and during the next two my mood continued to be decent. Today, I'm back at the bottom. I just feel hopeless and discouraged. Hopefully that will improve soon.

Here's what I think is going on:

I think I felt better for those three days because of "escapism". On Friday I spent a fun day in Seattle with my older sister. On Saturday I went camping overnight with a couple friends. Finally, on Sunday I went on a bike tour with my sister. During all the time I didn't really think of the issues listed at the top of the last post. That isn't to say nothing crossed my mind, but rather that I wasn't thinking of them constantly. I hardly thought of school, work, etc. (although I did have to think of gender issues at each bathroom stop)

Obviously it isn't useful to avoid my issues. They need to be dealt with, not ignored. The status quo doesn't make me happy, but it is easier in some regards. For example, not dealing with my GD would mean that I didn't have to actively "do anything." This would be "simpler" than therapy, doing hard thinking about transition, etc. But now that I've recognized that I need to get my life in order, I need to make changes. We'll see what that entails.

On a not quite unrelated note: I feel horrible living here, in my old bedroom, with my younger sister and her new husband. First of all, it's my old room, so it feels like I'm 18 again. Second, it's noisy living under the kitchen in this unfinished room. While it does have a door, it doesn't have a ceiling, just the bottom of the floor. I can hear everything. Finally, I feel like I'm imposing on them. They're a newly married couple, and they deserve privacy. I think that these things will factor into my decision about living here and commuting vs. moving closer to school. (By the way, right now I'm planning on trying to commute for September. Perhaps I'll find somebody in my program that could use a roommate.

FML

Feeling overwhelmed

2009-08-19T00:35:00.000-07:00

There's just too much to deal with right about now:

-GID
-being recently separated
-getting into school
-considering moving somewhere else

Damn. Plus, I'm trying to sell this second vehicle that I bought three months ago. I paid too much because I really wanted that specific year and engine. It's been on Craigslist for a day and a half for $800 less than I paid for it. I haven't had one bite yet.

And with each of those four things I listed comes further implications. With GID comes the need for therapy, deep thought, thinking about transition, etc. Being separated makes me sad and lonely. Getting into school means I have to worry about money and students loans. Moving somewhere (Somewhere in Metro Vancouver) means I have to look for a place, choose one, physically move, probably take my car off the road, and try to transfer to a different store.

The only one of those things that doesn't require me to do anything is being separated. Sure, I'm lonely, but I sure as hell don't need to be in a romantic relationship; not only does that take lots of time(I will be very busy during my program), but I think it would cause additional stress and confusion with regards to my gender identity. Haha, I can just imagine having sex with someone: "why are your armpits shaved?" "ummm...."

Any one of those issues would be a lot to deal with, but unfortunately I don't see any alternative.

Sister's wedding

2009-08-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, my younger sister (I have one older, one younger) got married. I was one of two ushers. I'm just going to recount a few of the interesting things.

I already mentioned how my sister literally picked out my clothes for the event, so I won't mention that. At any rate, I suppose other people saw me as attractive. (I did however, only get one "handsome" comment.)

So, I was an usher, so I had to show people to their seats. I deliberately made a big show of it, insisting that the women take my arm. Yeah, I know that's old fashioned and a bit sexist, but I was pretending, ok? Besides, the women seemed to enjoy it. I should note that the other usher didn't do this once, as far as I noticed.

I also walked my mom down the aisle as the last person to be seated before the bridal party came down. This was a bit rough, since it reminded me of when my mom walked me down the aisle as part of my wedding ceremony. I kept thinking about my own wedding during the entire day.

When the ceremony was over, everybody stood around outside drinking punch and socializing while waiting for the reception to begin. My great-aunt came up to talk to me. Now this is somebody that I wouldn't recognise out of context; I haven't met her too often. She asked me if I was "ok". I said yes, naturally. She asked again, "no, really." Then she asks where my ex was. I suspect that she had seen that I had no spouse listed in the bulletin for the funeral of my grandfather. So she was trying to comfort me and saying, "we can't always control these things, etc." "I love you, so if there's anything I can do to help, let me know." Next two of my aunts came up to "see how I was doing" and to give me hugs.

Ok, seriously... If you don't have a relationship in which you share personal information and feelings, don't go up to somebody and try to talk to them about really personal stuff. It's none of your business.

And then during the reception(which was a tea), my mom pointed to my teacup and said, "that's a woman's cup, we should trade." I suppose my teacup had a lot more pink on it, but these were all old-fashioned teacups with flowers and gold trim. I'm not sure what she was thinking. I did indeed use the keyword "gender identity" when I came out to my parents. I'm hoping that they will ask me about that stuff again. That will demonstrate to me that they have at least been thinking about it, and will give me the opportunity to share a little more.

After I had helped clean up, I went over to my friends' house for their daughter's one year birthday. Soon after I arrived, one of my guy friend's asked me where my ex was. I held out my ring-less left hand and said, "we're separated." He had a look of surprise, and my friends' mom (the grandmother of the baby) said, "WHAT!" I ran inside to avoid losing it/talking about it. Then later another friend asked about it and wanted to know what had happened. I refused to say, other than to say it wasn't an issue of infidelity or anything like that.

I think what I should have done is tell everybody I had originally told about my "marital difficulties" that they could tell people that I was separated after I moved out of the marital house. Oh well, can't do it over.

Big news in my life

2009-08-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned once or twice on this blog that I'm trying to become a teacher. I actually finished all coursework for my degree in December 2007 and I've been trying to get into a teaching program ever since.

I've applied three times and got waitlisted twice. Recently, I've been waiting eagerly to hear if I get into the program that starts in January. This is something I'd discussed with my therapist, i.e. how would school affect the timeline for transition. (It's a one year program)

I just got an email today from the admissions department. They are offering me the chance to start in September! This is astonishing because I hadn't been able to apply for that intake.

I have to reply by Monday. Right now, I am thinking "YES YES YES!" I am not sure how that would work with transition. I have basically not started anything. I had been planning to start beard removal this fall if I'd gotten in for January. But realistically, I wasn't expecting to be ready to be fulltime by January. For one, I just cut my hair short at the beginning of July in a silly attempt to try to save my marriage. There's no way I could be prepared for January. Obviously September would be just stupidly early.

Now that I may be starting school right away I'll have to start thinking of timelines again. I don't really want to postpone transitioning too long. Perhaps transitioning after the long practicum would be best. I'm just brainstorming right now, but that'd be about March or April. I don't think it would be good to be a newly transitioned transsexual in your practicum.

I'm also thinking about where I'd stay. This program is on the Burnaby campus of SFU. There is no viable public transit from where I live. Driving takes 75-90 minutes each way, at a cost of about $10 per day in gas. One semester, I had to commute four days a week, which was horrible. That was even with my sister taking turns driving. I don't like spending $200 a month in gas, and I find the traffic really stressful. Now that I'm separated, there isn't a huge reason to stay living in this place where I've been for most of my life. So I think I have to consider moving closer to Burnaby.

Money is a concern. Student loans would cover tuition but nothing else. I'd have to think of that. But I really don't want to continue working at a grocery store for the rest of my life. I gotta get a career.

sometimes you just gotta do things

2009-08-10T19:41:00.002-07:00

My younger sister is getting married on Saturday. My older sister is coming to visit from Montréal, so I'll tell her that I'm separated(if my mom hasn't) and probably tell her why.

Just a parenthetical insert: I am quite sure that my wife (do I wait until divorce to say "ex-wife"?) wanted to separate because of the trans thing. When I came home from vacation to hear "ZOMG we need to talk", I wasn't quite sure. Now that I've been moved out for a couple weeks, plus the few discussions we had when we were still sharing a house, I "just know." We both expressed some indication that we'd be willing to be flexible on the having kids issue. And that guy that she was hanging out with may have merely been a way to announce just how serious she was about separation. I haven't heard her speak about that guy since the first week or so of July. That leaves the "trans thing". Like I previously said, it's understandable. I have no right to be angry. Of course, I did respond to accusations of "you did this to me."

Back to the topic.

I had to go to a bachelor party, a.k.a. a stag, on Saturday night. I do like the guy my sister's marrying. He's pretty nice, and they seem to be good together. Ok, well I got to admit, he's a couple years younger than my sister, which isn't a problem, except he's about five years less mature than her.

Of course I would never choose to be at a bachelor party, but I obviously had to go. I knew less than half of the people there, and most of those I knew, I hadn't seen for ten years. The organiser of the party had bought a whole bunch of women's clothes at Value Village. (I had bought a pair of "granny panties") So my future brother-in-law had to wear this dress. (and later a skirt) Since he's a bit immature, he loves the attention and didn't mind the costume. First we played a round of mini-golf(the fancy kind on real grass), then we went to a restaurant, then we did stupid things. He also successfully raised $10 in 15 minutes at a busy intersection in town.
Generally he got good reactions from everybody, particularly women, who complimented him on his clothes.

What was hard for me was listening to all the homophobic and transphobic comments that ensued from some of the guys in the party. For example, somebody suggested that he belonged in the Downtown Eastside.(poorest part of Vancouver, probably Canada) Then there were some "tranny" jokes, which I didn't appreciate hearing. But obviously I wasn't about to try to educating them.

Generally I'm not in any situations with a large (~12) group of men/boys. I don't have that many friends, and even if I did it would still be hanging out in mixed(wow, that term seems old) groups. So perhaps I was a bit naïve.(I love how the term in English was borrowed from the feminine in French:P). But I was surprised by their behaviour. For example, I learned what a "fart cup" is. You cup your hand around your ass, then fart into it. Then you cup your smelly hand around the victim's mouth and nose until they inhale.

At least the minigolfing wasn't too bad. I was in group with the older people, older than I, actually. I suck at it, but it is much better on grass than kids' minigolf. I got two birdies and an eagle!

Funeral

2009-08-10T19:41:00.001-07:00

I should really blog right after events, when they are fresh in my head. Still, writing a few days later means I recall the moments that were most significant to me.

Last Wednesday was the "viewing." Only family were there. It wasn't enjoyable, but it wasn't too painful. In the last ten years or so, many of my cousins have started having children. The effect of that is that family gatherings are logistically difficult. My dad has five sisters, all of whom have multiple children with children of their own. My point is that I hadn't seen some of these relatives for years. One of my cousins and I tried to figure out how long it had been since we had seen each other and we couldn't figure it out. So I had to explain what I've been up to many times. Also, I had to hide the fact that I was recently separated. Finally, I disliked wearing the mens dress clothes, which were a great difference from my usual shorts and a t-shirt. (I didn't wear a tie, just a short-sleeved button up shirt.

The next day I missed the family only burial in the morning due to an exam. But I made the funeral in the afternoon. (this time I wore that new dress shirt, albeit sans tie) I had to read a song (presented in the bulletin as a reading, I wouldn't have tried to sing some unfamiliar song) that had been found on a paper in my grandpa's bible. That was the biggest crowd I had spoken in front of, the biggest before had been a class at university. (there were probably a few hundred people there) I wasn't nervous, since I wasn't familiar with what I was reading.

However, there were two hymns sung in the memorial service. Now, I've pretty much stopped singing since I've stopped going to church. But I decided I ought to sing along to these two songs, because you don't need to believe what you are singing, plus I always used to like singing hymns. Singing hymns reminds me of the late eighties, early nineties, when we went to a particular church that had a lot of hymns, which my late grandfather also attended at the time. Anyways, I literally couldn't make it more than a stanza or two of "How Great Thou Art" without starting to cry. Perhaps I miss religious belief, but of course that isn't an acceptable reason to redevelop it. I think crying during those two songs was just my way of being sad.

Male clothes

2009-08-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

I've never liked shopping for clothes. When I was younger, I always went with a parent and just wanted to get it over with. When I was out of high school, I would always go with somebody else. Then after I got married, I always went with my wife. All my life, shopping for (my own) clothes is something that I've had to be dragged along to do. I would wear worn out clothes rather than shop for new ones. Since developing or discovering my trans feelings*, I've basically stopped shopping at all. All new clothes that I own have been brought home by my wife on one of her own shopping trips. The only new shoes I've bought for at least two years have been steel-toed shoes for work.

My sister is getting married in two weeks. Obviously, female clothes would be inappro(my therapist joked about going en femme to the wedding). So, it was decided by my family that I need new dress clothes, for the wedding, and because I'll "need them for my teacher program". I went out shopping with my sister on Friday to Sears and ended up with dress pants and a shirt. Male dress clothes are really boring. Essentially there are only a few variations on a theme. It was difficult for my sister and the lady helping us because I had no opinion other than I wouldn't get a white shirt. I swear they spent like fifteen minutes holding up ties to this one maroonish shirt that they had picked out, but they were unable to agree on one.

Plus male dress shirts fit poorly. Presumeably most readers will know this, but there are basically two measurements that are used to fit a men's dress shirt: neck size and arm length. Apparently I have a fat neck: 15.5". My arms are 33". Anyways, with only the two measurements, the manufacturers assume that I have a big chest and arms. So that means that the arms and chest are always really baggy. (Yeah, I know that a tailored dress shirt will fit better)

The next day my sister took me to another store for a tie, and another store for dress shoes which "were supposed to last me for years". These were "nice" leather shoes that cost $180!!!

My parents paid for these clothes just because.

On the positive side, I have lost a bit of weight. I was able to buy 32" pants for the first time in a while.

*topic for another post: were my trans feelings latent or created??????

Goodbye

2009-07-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

My Grandfather just died a bit less than an hour ago. He was 96, and he died of lymphoma. When he was in his eighties, he said he wanted to lived to 100, so that he would get a letter from the Queen. He was in pretty good health for someone so old, although the last few years have been a bit of a downhill slope. He was only diagnosed six weeks ago.

I'm glad I got to see him in hospital yesterday. At first, he didn't know who I was, and asked me where Michelle was. (wife of one of my cousins). My mom and I just played along. But he did recognise me before I left. I cried a little bit seeing him like that. I don't think I will cry at the funeral since I will be unable to get past the religious aspect of it.

Grandpa always liked me because I was the only grandson bearing his last name. Now that I'm back in my parents' house living with my sister, I'm sleeping on a bed he bought for me when I was young supposedly because my middle name was his first, but I always knew it was because I shared his last name. I was occasionally reminded that I was the only ____ grandson. Good thing he never learned that I separated from my wife, don't want children, don't want to be a grandson.

Another time I'll have to write about the position of growing up the only boy out of three kids. (My dad was the only boy out of six children)

I was going to write about something else, but this post is all about my Grandpa.

oh wow

2009-07-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

There's been an incredible flurry of activity this month that I ought to blog about. I'm not sure how far I get in this post, but I'll try.

I came home from vacation at the beginning of the month. (My wife and I often take separate vacations in addition to shared ones.) Literally right away after I came into the house, my wife sat me down to talk. I was obviously quite taken aback. Here's what she said:

She said that there were two big issues that were bothering her. The first was that she had decided that she wanted a kid, and that I didn't want any. The second issue was my transgender identity crisis. Over the next few days, I learned that she was worried that no matter what happened about my trans feelings, that they would resurface later. I stated that I'd be willing to flex on the child issue, but that obviously I couldn't promise anything about the other one. She has since said that she could flex on the child issue.

So I'm convinced that the trans thing is the big deal. I cannot blame any spouse for thinking that it's a deal breaker. When you marry, it certainly isn't anything you imagine when you vow "in sickness and in health." It would be unreasonable for anyone to think that staying with a trans partner is equal to something like staying with a partner through cancer, or recovery after a stroke. I can't fault her for deciding that it's a deal breaker.

This is what I done since this crisis started:
1. moved to a different room of the house
2. the next day I made an appointment for therapy
3. told my sister, parents, and a married couple that I've been friends with for ages
4. started therapy
5. prepared to move out

These are all big things. It feels like this is happening too fast. But I can't stay in this house. My marriage is over and I can't pretend that it isn't. This has been a "wake-up call" to start therapy, something I should have done a year ago. This is hard evidence that trying to ignore my trans feelings is impossible. Trying to ignore hasn't worked. I'd been thinking about it every day, and so had my wife. She reached a decision, and I doubt I could have done something that would have altered it.

Why did I tell people? The two reasons were that my wife had told her parents and a couple friends, and that I had to explain why my marriage is ending. I supposed I felt like I had to, but I don't see it as a negative that people other than my wife know. I wouldn't want acquaintances or co-workers to know, but I think it's good that the people in life I'm closest to know. I have people I can talk to now if I need to.

I told my younger sister first. I'm relatively close to her, and I wanted to tell her first to get somebody's reaction to help me judge how others might react. Then I told my parents. Surprisingly, there were no overt tears.(I was able to hold mine back!) They did not appear emotional; in fact, they took the news well. One thing that made it easier to tell them was the fact that I had an appointment for therapy booked. They were, however, suspicious that a therapist with experience in gender identity would have a bias. I attempted to assuage their suspicions, but I clearly failed. My mom approached me a two weeks later and suggested seeing somebody else. She suggested some therapy chain called "Trinity" something or other, which was enough for me to dismiss it right away due to the clearly Christian name. Then she suggested a local psychologist who was "probably Christian, but you wouldn't know it." Obviously, I said again that it's best to see a specialist. They probably fear that a specialist has some sort of agenda in making more transsexuals or something.

Finally, I told two of my friends (a married couple) that I've known since high school. My dad had recommended not telling many people since society isn't very tolerant of "sexual differences." I was surprised at how insightful he was. ( I didn't want to keep correcting him when he said "sex" instead of "gender") It was good to tell my friends, just so they know what I'm going through.

So how was therapy? Well, I have no basis for comparison, since I haven't had any kind of therapy before. I think it went well. I found my therapist by googling. She's in downtown Vancouver. I really dislike driving into Vancouver, but that's where the specialists are going to be, due to a much larger population. (I live "in the Valley") Anyways, one appointment isn't enough to get through everything (I have another one scheduled for early August), but I think we got through the basics. She noted that suddenly being confronted by gender issues(as opposed to feeling them when a child) isn't unheard. Hearing that made me happy. I do read other blogs and websites, and many transpeople say that they had trans feelings at a very young age. She suggested two blogs to visit, both of which were already in my blogroll!!!

Apparently I am not in touch with my feelings.(I already knew that) I stated that while growing up, I wasn't encouraged to share them. I don't mean that I was actively discouraged, (for example, I don't remember my dad telling me to "man up" when I cried) but I simply wasn't encouraged. Expressing and being aware of my emotions is something that I need to work on.(any advice, anyone?) Another thing she suggested was trying out Second Life. I never had tried it.

One embarrassing thing happened on the way out. I'm from a smaller town, so I'm not used to big buildings. The door leading to the street was locked when I came down from my appointment. So I was pretty confused. There was a button near the door labelled "exit", so I pressed it, expecting the door to pop open automatically. Nothing happened, so I pressed it a couple more times, pulling and pushing on both doors. After literally 60 seconds, a Vancouver Police Department cruiser showed up. Apparently the trick was to press the button, then immediately push open one of the doors. The two officers were there because of an alarm(was it from me trying to get out?), so they wanted to see my identification. Luckily, I also had the therapist's business card.

So that pretty much sums up July so far. Here's what's is going to happen in the near future:

-I'm going to move out of this house as soon as I can. I'll be moving in with my sister, in my parents' old house, in my old room.
-I will continue with therapy.
-I'll hope to get in to the teaching program at SFU for January. My chances are much improved since I improved my mark on a particular test I had to take.
-I'm going to be more active in the TG world. I'll try to blog a couple times a week. I'll start posting on MHB. I would also like to meet some TG people, just to talk to.

One more thing:

Since I figured out my marriage is over, my suicidal thoughts literally disappeared. At the same time, I was anxious to begin therapy. I don't wish to say that being married was making me have suicidal thoughts. But perhaps at some level I am beginning to see "the light at the end of the tunnel." I think I am discovering hope.

Gay people coming out

2009-01-19T18:16:00.000-08:00

So my wife and I have these new friends, two boys in their late teens. One of them, is "flaming". By that, I mean he "acts gay", likes things liked by gay men, etc.

I know what you're thinking: "Marie, you're gender variant, what the hell gives you the right to label somebody as gay, or to decide that certain behaviours are "gayer" than others?"

You're right, of course. But certain things identify many gay people. My wife has a gay friend who came out soon after I met her. She and her friends were all shocked when he came out. But he had lots of stereotypical mannerisms, etc. He also tried to hide it by saying homophobic remarks. But he's out and has had boyfriends since.

So this flaming boy likes musicals, the movie Hairspray, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also talks in a higher pitched voice.(I wish mine were that high!) He has had girlfriends back home.

So his friend told us that the flaming friend had cross-dressed as a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show for his 15th birthday!! That's just amazing that somebody that young would risk being made fun of by his peers.

I don't know why this guy just can't admit it; he's probably gay.

The point of this rambling is that after telling the 15th birthday cross-dressing story, one of them asked me(in front of my wife) if I had ever cross-dressed. Luckily I was able to deflect it somehow, since I would have had to lie and I'm an unconvincing liar.

Comments enabled

2009-01-18T15:17:00.001-08:00

Ok, I figured out how to allow for anonymous comments in the blog settings

I know I would be much less likely to comment on something if I had to reveal myself.

---------------

Ok, well I told my wife that I was unsure that I wanted to become a teacher. Surprisingly enough, she didn't freak out; I was pleasantly surprised.

Next über-personal thing that I tell her ought to be that I'm going to seek a therapist. I'll announce that when it happens... :P

I think I'll just pick up the phone book or something. Yes, I am about about the Vancouver Coastal Health's trans programs and stuff and the Three Bridges thing. But I'd want a therapist closer to where I live. (Also, I think the free therapist there is like only available every second Tuesday or something like that.)

On that note, can somebody give a ballpark figure for cost per session? (I'm sure that there can be a great deal of variation, but I'd like to know a guess.)

I've just noticed that all I write in this blog is rambling and barely coherent. Sorry.

kill me now

2009-01-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

Jesus fucking Christ I'm sick of my life.

Nothing is going right and I don't know "what I want to do with my life."

A year ago, I told my doctor that I thought I was trans. I never ending up starting therapy, mostly because of my fears. (Oh, and I'm fucking lazy, too)

So nothing has come of that.

A year ago, I finished a university degree. It doesn't seem like I'm any closer to getting into a teaching program.

Plus, now I'm beginning to feel that maybe I don't want to be a teacher. Goddamn it, life is complicated.

I still feel just as trans, if that's what that is. Fuck. How am I supposed to know anything?

I never used to understand what the point of a suicide attempt was. I mean, if you want to die, just kill yourself already, instead of a half-hearted attempt. I'm talking about methods that are less likely to be successful, like cutting on wrists, swallowing a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, etc. Why not do something irreversible if you really want to die? Like hang yourself or jump off a tall building?

But people say that those kinds of suicide attempts are a cry for help. And now I understand that that's what it is, even if the attemptee doesn't know that. I think that people would do that because they want some help. See, if somebody wants help/attention, if they ask for it, they won't be taken seriously, or they worry that they won't be. But it's harder to ignore hospitalisation.

To anyone reading this: please don't worry. I haven't killed myself yet and I've had suicidal thoughts for at least ten years. So don't try to track down my IP or anything. I'd appreciate suggestions instead, or comments.

ok, gtg

Misc thoughts

2008-11-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

So I read Suzanne's entire blog last night. Actually it was technically this morning.

Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.

I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.

I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.

More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.

Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.

Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.

Masculinity vs. Femininity

I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.

I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.

I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.

Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.

This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.

update

2008-09-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Sorry. I occasionally think of doing so, yet end up not doing it.

No, I'm not doing any therapy. Why not? I should be. The excuse that I'm giving myself is that I don't want to create marital debate about my "problem." Is it a valid concern? I'm not sure, but I certainly can't go to therapy without my wife knowing about it; we generally know what the other is doing. I'd have to somehow arrange therapy without giving out our telephone number, then tell her that I was going. I'm afraid that she'd be really upset.

Is the above cowardly? Probably. I do not like confrontation. Is it just an excuse to avoid doing anything productive or "useful" about my feelings? I don't know.

My feelings have evolved somewhat, I guess. I haven't read any trans-related blogs or websites for months. Generally most of them are written or intended for people who are transitioning, or planning on it.

lazy point form stuff:
-my facial hair disgusts me, even more than it did before. I shave it along with my chest, armpits, groin, and legs in the the shower. I'd exchange my two-year old car for the quarter century old car I used to own to get it removed. Obviously, selling my car would easily pay for complete facial hair removal. My wife thinks that stubble is sexy, so it wouldn't go over well.
-I feel most sexy putting on pants on legs that have just been shaved and moisturised.
-I still think about it while entering a gendered washroom.
-I'm used to avoiding referring to myself in a gendered way. I don't really have to think about it much. It's really easy for me to say "I'm a ____ kind of person" in a circumstance when I could have said, "I'm a ____ kind of guy." I hardly ever slip up.
-I'm still attracted mostly to women.

There are some changes, though. Instead of just being jealous of cute twenty-something girls, I'm occasionally jealous of less attractive women. A couple months ago, I was very far away from home on vacation, far from anybody that I knew. I was walking in a downtown, and I saw a woman greet a couple that she obviously knew. She was in her forties or fifties, too skinny, and with grey stringy hair. And I was jealous, because she was a woman.

I have to consider the possibility that transition is not for me. I don't want to end up a transwoman with a penis that can't pass, split up from my spouse, and with friends and family that won't talk to me. That concerns me. Yet I'm not comfortable as I am. I'm still not sure what I should do.

Sigh.

What if?

2008-04-24T03:58:00.000-07:00

Actually, that's the only Creed song that I like.

Sorry, very lame joke. I'm not a funny person.

This is something that's been bothering me. What if my trans feelings neither diminish nor grow? As it stands now, I can't honestly say that I'm 100% convinced that I have GID. Yet I haven't noticed my feelings become less conscious.

I don't want to be in this middle place. It has not yet become unbearable because I know that I'm still early in this "process." I don't think I can feel like this for the rest of my life.

My sex drive is still bothering and annoying me. I feel silly for pawing at my wife all the time, yet I'm driven to do so. After each time we have sex (down to once every one or two weeks) I swear to myself that I will not try to iniate. I fail miserably after two or three days. I have noticed that I've become the "cuddly" one in the relationship. Yet we can't cuddle or make out for long before Mr pokey makes his presence know. I wish I could control that. Spiro would help, but I couldn't get a prescription for unwanted sex-drive.

Since I appear to be on the theme of what's bothering me: I still don't like be referred to using a male word. It has become natural to avoid referring to myself that way. Yet my wife doesn't avoid it. I hate it when she tells our dog to "go see daddy." I hate it when she says that I'm a "good hubby." I think we're going to have to have a talk sometime. I've been pretty much avoiding one for a while.

Clothes make the...

2008-04-24T03:17:00.000-07:00

"When we are trying to reach the woman inside, sometimes clothes are her lifeline. But once we finally connect, the clothes are no longer necessary for her to feel alive." This is a quote from Diane Wilson's page, which is recommended, by the way.

I don't dress en femme anymore. I haven't since January when my wife came home from work two hours early with her dad on their way to coffee. I had literally just finished putting everything away and getting re-dressed in "normal" clothes for me. That was the day before I came out to her.

Why don't I dress anymore? Fear of getting caught is part of it. Another part of it is that when I do it, I just feel silly. I don't feel feminine, or "whole." I certainly don't get aroused. (Apparently that is a major reason for heterosexual men to cross-dress)

However, I am "drawn" to women's clothing. This is a new thing, starting only after I discovered my previously unconscious trans feelings. Instead of thinking or saying "those pants make her ass look nice," or commenting on aesthetics when asked by my wife, I wish I could wear them, or I think about a particular piece in a way that relates to me. i.e. would I wear it. My wife looked at the Mountain Equipment Co-op catalogue and laughed at the women's cycling skirts. I didn't tell her that I liked them. I'm also jealous of those that can wear women's clothing. Yes, I mean women.

What does any of this mean? I'm not sure. Reading other blogs and stuff on the Internet, I don't usually identify very well with the authors. I can't say that "I knew when I was five." I don't think to myself, "I'm a woman." Instead, the way I think aboout myself is more along the lines of "I'm confused."

Update

2008-04-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

I was asked to write an update by somebody I don't really know.

That's ok. It forced me to "take another baby step." I emailed back somebody from the Trans Health program asking about the procedures for getting therapy. The trans programs in Vancouver seem to be constantly changing names and what they do. So my doctor's referral letter went to fax heaven. I left a voicemail somewhere a month later and got one call back to my home number, and not to my cell number which I had also left on voicemail. Then I sent two emails to an email address which I had taken from some pamphlets. Finally, I found an email of a real live person from the program.

That last paragraph is misleading. It makes it seem like I've been aggressively pursuing this. I haven't really. I wait weeks in between phone calls or emails. Why? I'm afraid. I love my marriage. I don't want to lose it.

My "trans feelings" (wow that's an awkward phrase) haven't dissipated. I still think about them every day. Every time I need to go to a public washroom I look at the signs on both doors and wonder. Every time I see a pretty woman I'm jealous of her body and wonder if I like her clothes.

On the home front, we simply don't talk about it. This is simultaneously a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because it keeps things civil, with no crying or drama. Yet it is bad because we aren't discussing it as a couple. My wife is never going to accept or tolerate my transness(yes, I know that isn't a word) if we ignore it. I think it wouldn't be difficult to do that, to just ignore everything. But the way my newly discovered feelings and desires haven't changed suggests to me that I shouldn't ignore them. I still get called "daddy" which bothers me. But then we just went to a wedding and my wife asked me what I thought of the dress. We discussed it, and I even noticed that there was a train at the ceremony yet none at the reception. (perhaps it detached?) I wonder if my dear wife was thinking when she asked me about it. I started shaving my armpits in January after my last post. She asked why, and I said it looks nicer. I still do it.

Therapy is next. I think it is very important. I'm not able to figure out why I feel the way I do on my own.

Miscellaneous being out stuff

2008-01-25T20:16:00.000-08:00

This being out to my wife thing doesn't make anything easier. I'm relieved that I don't have to hide that secret, of course. Yet I have to watch what I say just as much. Also, my wife keeps bringing up negative things.

She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.

Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.

She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.

I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.

This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.

Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.

Outed

2008-01-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

The phone call from the doctor's office outed me on Thursday. My wife wanted to know why they were calling. (They wanted to tell me how long I had to wait for an appointment, 6-8 weeks) I didn't want to explain, and didn't right away. But half an hour later, I came into the living room to explain.

I avoided using any word that starts with "trans." I instead said that I was gender-confused. She had difficulty understanding the difference between gender and sex; she asserted that they were inextricably linked. I don't think I did the best job explaining myself, but I did the best I could. She took it as well as could be expected; not well. I tried to get across how I was feeling, but I failed. She cried some. She's scared of losing me, which I can understand. I can't deny that she did marry a man, and that I'm talking about possibly not being one anymore. I did tried to reiterate that I'm just as attracted to her as I was when we married, and that I have no intention of leaving her. I felt sad for hurting her, but relieved that I don't have to keep the secret anymore. As I've already said, we're pretty open with each other.

I'm "not allowed" to "get a sex change" or "grow boobs," according to her. I didn't mention other steps I could do, like electrolysis. However, she did say the next day that she thinks that therapy is a good idea, and she realises that a therapist isn't going to convince me to do anything.

This next paragraph may fall into the TMI category. On Friday, the day after I shared "this stuff" with my wife, during another conversation about it, she mentioned that she had stopped taken the pill in hopes of improving her sex drive. I must point out that previous to then we'd been having sex once each cycle. Well, we had sex right then, and then once again when we went to bed. (With protection, of course!) The next day we had sex again during the day, and "fooled around" when we went to bed. There hasn't been that much sex in our marriage since the wedding night! And she wanted to do woman on top sex(my preferred position), which she hasn't wanted to do for a year or so. The timing is clearly suspicious... Also, when we were having sex, I obviously enjoyed the feeling. But I also felt something else. When I put my hands around her body when it was on top of mine, I felt jealous, of her female silhouette. I want one of my own and I don't know why.

Moving along

2008-01-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

I saw my GP today.

I was hoping to get some kind of referral or direction to get into therapy. So, I obviously had to explain why. When the medical office assistant asked the reason for my visit, I said that it was private", and she accepted that. So, when I told my doctor that the reason I wanted therapy was because I thought I might be transsexual, he didn't even blink. He asked similar questions as what he would ask if my knee were hurting me. I was very impressed. He's in his mid sixties at least, and this is a federal riding that always votes Conservative. He didn't seem uncomfortable asking if I had ever been in a "gay relationship." He even used the word "transition" in a sentence.

He took notes based on what I said and he's going to send a letter to the Gender Dysphoria clinic at Vancouver General. So, that sounds promising. Somehow, I'll get some therapy. This is the only time in my life during which I strongly feel that therapy is necessary. Benjamin Standards aside, I cannot deal with this on my own. I'm too confused, and this is a major issue.

I'm making steps.

2008-01-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

I called my GP's office this morning and got an appointment for next week. When I visit, I'll ask for a referral to a therapist whose number I have. Which brings me to an interesting thing I wanted to talk about.

Yesterday I called the number of the therapist directly. I only had two initials and a last name. As I didn't know whether the therapist was a "doctor", I found it very difficult to ask for an appointment. I tried used "therapist lastname" and the secretary said "oh, do you mean "firstname lastname." The first name given was a unisex name, about 75% female. So, I said, "yes, her," but of course I was wrong. That's interesting about language; how we have no choice but to use gender markers. In English, I think singular "they" is on its way to becoming ubiquitous. In my lifetime, you'll be able to use it without being agrammatical.

Anyway, I wasn't allowed an appointment without a referral, so I'll try to get one. This therapist was at the Ministry of Children and family or something like that. So, hopefully I'm not too old. Since it is a government place perhaps the waiting list will be too long. I'd like to visit a therapist with a month or a month and a half. If I have to spend my own money, that's fine. I don't know how much it would cost, but I'd guess I could afford to go every 2-3 weeks. I don't know anything. But, I'm finding out. If I can't see this therapist, (who was on a list for being interested in working with gender stuff), I'll just start cold-calling in the phonebook. I'm aware that the Vancouver Health authority has a good trans program, but I don't live in that health region.

List #1

2008-01-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

Things I need to find out:

- In British Columbia, do I need to pay for my own therapy? Or will my normal doctor just refer me to a therapist and MSP pays for it all? I could afford it myself, but I need to save up as much as I can for school.

- How long should I wait before coming out to my wife?

- How attached is everybody to the idea of me as a man? I'm certainly the least manly of my friends and nobody thinks the less of me for it?

- If I try out electrolysis, is my face going to look funny and red from it? Or just look mildly irritated?

- Do real men (TM), love their penises? I've never felt affinity for mine, aside from when it provided sexual release.

That's the list for now.

Misc: Over the past year or so, I've become resentful of my libido. There was an episode of House in which a young man tries to get Dr. House to prescribe Depo-Provera to kill his sex drive because he was attracted to his step-mom. When I watched it, I felt like I wanted that too. The airdate was March 7, 2006, so perhaps these feelings have been growing subconsciously for some time. It's hard to tell. Maybe I just recently became aware of them.

Masturbation has felt like a chore for years. That is, it feels like it is just necessary to temporarily get rid off my sex drive. I don't take longer than what is necessary, just until "release" is attained.

Actual sex is infrequent. My wife's desire for it has diminished over the past 18 months. In some ways it is disappointing, but in other ways it is fortunate. I've never felt like a good lover who can satisfy her. (Sorry, TMI, but it's my blog) So, I have to be sure that my newfound desire to be a woman is not because sometimes I feel like an "homme raté." (failed man) That would be a poor reason to take any irreversible action if it were the sole one.

Shopping

2008-01-03T17:51:00.000-08:00

My wife and I went shopping today. It was actually pretty fun. I liked vetoing certain things that she held up, saying, "no that's not your style." But I kept wondering, "hmm, I wonder if that comes in my size?" I refused to look at any male clothes or shoes meant for me. I suppose that'll get suspicious if I keep it up; I don't care.

Women are going to start thinking I'm a creepy pervert. I keep staring at them, analysing their clothes, hair, body shape. I wonder what they would think if they knew I wanted to be one of them. I've discovered that facial structure seems to be the main thing that enables me to tell male from female. Men are wearing "skinny jeans" too, and women wear button up male-style shirts. My wife has one friend who has a fairly masculine body shape, and shorter hair. Her face, however, even with the piercing, could not be mistaken for male.

Misc. fact: I used to work around customers, and I used to have longer hair, which I kept in a ponytail under a hat just at work. Occasionally, a senior (never someone under forty) would call me "miss" or "ma'am" if they only saw me from behind. I never got upset; I would either ignore them until they said just "excuse me" or correct them. I realise now that I didn't really mind being called that.

The other night at some kind of social event, I overheard my dad tell my friend that: "my real name's uncle lives in place, that's where her(meaning me) mom grew up." I wondered why my dad referred to me with a female pronoun. Neither he nor my friend corrected it. Probably doesn't mean anything. Perhaps that kind of gender confusion stuff happened often, and I've only just become sensitised to it.

On New Year's Eve, when I put on clothes to go out, I discovered one of my wife's T-shirts in my drawer. So I wore it. My wife only noticed sometime after I took my jacket off. I asserted that it was in my drawer so I thought I could wear it. She exclaimed that the sleeves were really short. I shrugged, and nobody else made a big deal about it.

Later, when we needed to make up two teams for a game, somebody suggested that the teams be made up "boys-vs-girls". I felt like trying to join the girls' team, but didn't say anything. The three girls easily beat the five or six boys.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-01T15:42:00.000-08:00

I've never really made New Year's resolutions before. I never saw the point of deluding myself into thinking that I'd actually fulfil them. So, these resolutions are going to be practical, not overly optimistic.

- I'm need to start seeing a therapist. I've got the name of a local therapist with some experience with gender issues. I know that a therapist isn't going to tell me what I should do, but a therapist will ask questions and help me work through my issues. I think therapy is essential to make any progress with this TS stuff.

- I'm going to tell my wife that "I think I might be TS." We're pretty close, and involved. That means I can't get away with saying that I'm going to start going to therapy, but refusing to explain the reason.

- I'm going to buy at least one femme "outfit."

- I'm going to go out en femme at least once.

I think I can realistically fulfil those resolutions. I'd be happy if I could do more than those, which I'm consider a bare minimum. Realistically, I don't want to set timeline goals for starting HRT, or RLE, or anything like that.

Random related middle school experiences that I remember:

I had more than one pair of pink Converse All-Stars. (Remember those?) This would have been about Grades 6-8, I think. I went shopping with my parents, because they paid for clothes. I don't remember them trying to convince me not to get them. But I wanted them, and I don't think they said that they were too girly. When the first pair wore out, I got another. I don't remember being made fun of for wearing pink shoes.

Once, in Grade 9 or 10, a girl in my class said that she considered me "one of the girls". I remember being pleased and not at all embarrassed.

In Grade 10, a female friend said that I had great legs and said that she would bring some heels for me to try on. I did have nice naturally hairless legs, and I liked trying on her "strappy" heels that one lunchtime. I was at that time a slightly built 100 pound boy who barely needed to shave every two weeks, who, being a late bloomer, had perfectly clear skin with no acne.

This blog thing is fun. I keep thinking of things to write in it. But this is all for now.

Introduction

2007-12-31T08:47:00.000-08:00

Hi, welcome to my new blog. This is the first one I've ever had.

This is part of an email I sent a month ago to somebody from my Uni's LGBT organisation. Rereading it now, my feelings have only gotten stronger since then. I realise that a month is nothing, but still...

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Cliff's Notes version:
Gender-confused married male wonders what he ought to do.

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The start and depth of these new feelings:

This past semester, in one of my classes, we had to read a book entitled "Éloge de la diversité sexuelle" ("In praise of sexual diversity). Essentially it was about how we should be more accepting of sexual and gender diversity. In that class, we also watched a movie called "Ma vie en rose" (My life in pink) in which a young boy wishes he could be a girl. As well, Susan Stryker, a transgendered prof, came to speak to our class.

I came to a very sudden realisation several weeks ago: I didn't like being masculine/male and would prefer to be somewhere in between the male/female spectrum. I was shocked to discover I had those feelings, which seemed bizarre, yet not unwelcome.

The only other time I've had a similar "sudden realisation" was about five years ago, when I started to question Christianity. That uncomfortable realisation led to exploration, and I ended up becoming an atheist.

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Possible things that could indicate I had a prior disposition:

I'd always been secure in my masculinity. At my first job after high-school, I was the only male who would wear the pink work shirt with no qualms. I've never hidden my attraction to Legolas from Lord of the Rings. I've never had a problem stating which male is more attractive than another.

However, especially in my marriage, I've resisted traditional gender roles. My wife is the one who works full-time, paying the bills, while I go to school. Occasionally, she'll say something indicating that I should do something, because I'm the guy. Yet, I enjoy sewing just as much as fixing something in the garage.

Since the hair started growing on my chest several years ago, I've been disgusted by it, and have been shaving it regularily.
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So, that's that. I'm not planning anything in particular for this blog. This is mainly for me, personally, to help me deal with this "stuff". But if you get some amusement out of it, good for you. Don't read what I write looking for answers. I'm going to keep this fairly anonymous. Somebody reading this that already knows me might be able to figure out who I am, but nobody will be able to find this by searching my real name. Also, I use vulgar language, so cover your virgin eyes.

I'm a genetic male in my mid-twenties, married for several years, with no children. I live in British Columbia, Canada. I work in retail, but don't deal with customers.

Fuck, I'm confused. Why do I suddenly feel this way? What do I do about it? I love my wife; she's my best friend. I don't want to lose her. But these feelings are strong. They monopolise my thoughts. I've been spending many hours a week reading whatever I can dredge up on Google. I think it would be easier in many respects if I had always known. But it wasn't like that.

Yesterday, I bought my first piece of female clothing, a red skirt, just above knee length, for $10. I was prepared to tell the cashier that it was for my wife if she asked, but she didn't. I tried it on when I got home, and found that I was indeed the size 10 that I had estimated. But I didn't tuck, so it looked funny. I've actually only been cross-dressing since this started in November. I've only done it about five times or so. I hid the skirt in the garage. I know I can't get more into dressing en femme without my dear wife knowing. I need her help to buy guy clothes. However, I have noticed that I've become more opinionated about female clothing. In The Gap a couple weeks ago, my wife touched a shirt, but I said "No!" with emphasis. This is a contrast to pretending to be bored, which is what I used to do so we'd leave earlier.

Enough for now. Don't expect daily posts, but I'll try to write something a couple times each week.