update

Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Sorry. I occasionally think of doing so, yet end up not doing it.

No, I'm not doing any therapy. Why not? I should be. The excuse that I'm giving myself is that I don't want to create marital debate about my "problem." Is it a valid concern? I'm not sure, but I certainly can't go to therapy without my wife knowing about it; we generally know what the other is doing. I'd have to somehow arrange therapy without giving out our telephone number, then tell her that I was going. I'm afraid that she'd be really upset.

Is the above cowardly? Probably. I do not like confrontation. Is it just an excuse to avoid doing anything productive or "useful" about my feelings? I don't know.

My feelings have evolved somewhat, I guess. I haven't read any trans-related blogs or websites for months. Generally most of them are written or intended for people who are transitioning, or planning on it.

lazy point form stuff:
-my facial hair disgusts me, even more than it did before. I shave it along with my chest, armpits, groin, and legs in the the shower. I'd exchange my two-year old car for the quarter century old car I used to own to get it removed. Obviously, selling my car would easily pay for complete facial hair removal. My wife thinks that stubble is sexy, so it wouldn't go over well.
-I feel most sexy putting on pants on legs that have just been shaved and moisturised.
-I still think about it while entering a gendered washroom.
-I'm used to avoiding referring to myself in a gendered way. I don't really have to think about it much. It's really easy for me to say "I'm a ____ kind of person" in a circumstance when I could have said, "I'm a ____ kind of guy." I hardly ever slip up.
-I'm still attracted mostly to women.

There are some changes, though. Instead of just being jealous of cute twenty-something girls, I'm occasionally jealous of less attractive women. A couple months ago, I was very far away from home on vacation, far from anybody that I knew. I was walking in a downtown, and I saw a woman greet a couple that she obviously knew. She was in her forties or fifties, too skinny, and with grey stringy hair. And I was jealous, because she was a woman.

I have to consider the possibility that transition is not for me. I don't want to end up a transwoman with a penis that can't pass, split up from my spouse, and with friends and family that won't talk to me. That concerns me. Yet I'm not comfortable as I am. I'm still not sure what I should do.

Sigh.

I'm making steps.

I called my GP's office this morning and got an appointment for next week. When I visit, I'll ask for a referral to a therapist whose number I have. Which brings me to an interesting thing I wanted to talk about.

Yesterday I called the number of the therapist directly. I only had two initials and a last name. As I didn't know whether the therapist was a "doctor", I found it very difficult to ask for an appointment. I tried used "therapist lastname" and the secretary said "oh, do you mean "firstname lastname." The first name given was a unisex name, about 75% female. So, I said, "yes, her," but of course I was wrong. That's interesting about language; how we have no choice but to use gender markers. In English, I think singular "they" is on its way to becoming ubiquitous. In my lifetime, you'll be able to use it without being agrammatical.

Anyway, I wasn't allowed an appointment without a referral, so I'll try to get one. This therapist was at the Ministry of Children and family or something like that. So, hopefully I'm not too old. Since it is a government place perhaps the waiting list will be too long. I'd like to visit a therapist with a month or a month and a half. If I have to spend my own money, that's fine. I don't know how much it would cost, but I'd guess I could afford to go every 2-3 weeks. I don't know anything. But, I'm finding out. If I can't see this therapist, (who was on a list for being interested in working with gender stuff), I'll just start cold-calling in the phonebook. I'm aware that the Vancouver Health authority has a good trans program, but I don't live in that health region.