Misc thoughts

So I read Suzanne's entire blog last night. Actually it was technically this morning.

Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.

I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.

I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.

More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.

Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.

Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.

Masculinity vs. Femininity

I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.

I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.


I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.

Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.

This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.

What if?

Actually, that's the only Creed song that I like.

Sorry, very lame joke. I'm not a funny person.

This is something that's been bothering me. What if my trans feelings neither diminish nor grow? As it stands now, I can't honestly say that I'm 100% convinced that I have GID. Yet I haven't noticed my feelings become less conscious.

I don't want to be in this middle place. It has not yet become unbearable because I know that I'm still early in this "process." I don't think I can feel like this for the rest of my life.

My sex drive is still bothering and annoying me. I feel silly for pawing at my wife all the time, yet I'm driven to do so. After each time we have sex (down to once every one or two weeks) I swear to myself that I will not try to iniate. I fail miserably after two or three days. I have noticed that I've become the "cuddly" one in the relationship. Yet we can't cuddle or make out for long before Mr pokey makes his presence know. I wish I could control that. Spiro would help, but I couldn't get a prescription for unwanted sex-drive.

Since I appear to be on the theme of what's bothering me: I still don't like be referred to using a male word. It has become natural to avoid referring to myself that way. Yet my wife doesn't avoid it. I hate it when she tells our dog to "go see daddy." I hate it when she says that I'm a "good hubby." I think we're going to have to have a talk sometime. I've been pretty much avoiding one for a while.

Clothes make the...

"When we are trying to reach the woman inside, sometimes clothes are her lifeline. But once we finally connect, the clothes are no longer necessary for her to feel alive." This is a quote from Diane Wilson's page, which is recommended, by the way.

I don't dress en femme anymore. I haven't since January when my wife came home from work two hours early with her dad on their way to coffee. I had literally just finished putting everything away and getting re-dressed in "normal" clothes for me. That was the day before I came out to her.

Why don't I dress anymore? Fear of getting caught is part of it. Another part of it is that when I do it, I just feel silly. I don't feel feminine, or "whole." I certainly don't get aroused. (Apparently that is a major reason for heterosexual men to cross-dress)

However, I am "drawn" to women's clothing. This is a new thing, starting only after I discovered my previously unconscious trans feelings. Instead of thinking or saying "those pants make her ass look nice," or commenting on aesthetics when asked by my wife, I wish I could wear them, or I think about a particular piece in a way that relates to me. i.e. would I wear it. My wife looked at the Mountain Equipment Co-op catalogue and laughed at the women's cycling skirts. I didn't tell her that I liked them. I'm also jealous of those that can wear women's clothing. Yes, I mean women.

What does any of this mean? I'm not sure. Reading other blogs and stuff on the Internet, I don't usually identify very well with the authors. I can't say that "I knew when I was five." I don't think to myself, "I'm a woman." Instead, the way I think aboout myself is more along the lines of "I'm confused."

Introduction

Hi, welcome to my new blog. This is the first one I've ever had.

This is part of an email I sent a month ago to somebody from my Uni's LGBT organisation. Rereading it now, my feelings have only gotten stronger since then. I realise that a month is nothing, but still...

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Cliff's Notes version:
Gender-confused married male wonders what he ought to do.

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The start and depth of these new feelings:

This past semester, in one of my classes, we had to read a book entitled "Éloge de la diversité sexuelle" ("In praise of sexual diversity). Essentially it was about how we should be more accepting of sexual and gender diversity. In that class, we also watched a movie called "Ma vie en rose" (My life in pink) in which a young boy wishes he could be a girl. As well, Susan Stryker, a transgendered prof, came to speak to our class.

I came to a very sudden realisation several weeks ago: I didn't like being masculine/male and would prefer to be somewhere in between the male/female spectrum. I was shocked to discover I had those feelings, which seemed bizarre, yet not unwelcome.

The only other time I've had a similar "sudden realisation" was about five years ago, when I started to question Christianity. That uncomfortable realisation led to exploration, and I ended up becoming an atheist.

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Possible things that could indicate I had a prior disposition:

I'd always been secure in my masculinity. At my first job after high-school, I was the only male who would wear the pink work shirt with no qualms. I've never hidden my attraction to Legolas from Lord of the Rings. I've never had a problem stating which male is more attractive than another.

However, especially in my marriage, I've resisted traditional gender roles. My wife is the one who works full-time, paying the bills, while I go to school. Occasionally, she'll say something indicating that I should do something, because I'm the guy. Yet, I enjoy sewing just as much as fixing something in the garage.

Since the hair started growing on my chest several years ago, I've been disgusted by it, and have been shaving it regularily.
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So, that's that. I'm not planning anything in particular for this blog. This is mainly for me, personally, to help me deal with this "stuff". But if you get some amusement out of it, good for you. Don't read what I write looking for answers. I'm going to keep this fairly anonymous. Somebody reading this that already knows me might be able to figure out who I am, but nobody will be able to find this by searching my real name. Also, I use vulgar language, so cover your virgin eyes.

I'm a genetic male in my mid-twenties, married for several years, with no children. I live in British Columbia, Canada. I work in retail, but don't deal with customers.

Fuck, I'm confused. Why do I suddenly feel this way? What do I do about it? I love my wife; she's my best friend. I don't want to lose her. But these feelings are strong. They monopolise my thoughts. I've been spending many hours a week reading whatever I can dredge up on Google. I think it would be easier in many respects if I had always known. But it wasn't like that.

Yesterday, I bought my first piece of female clothing, a red skirt, just above knee length, for $10. I was prepared to tell the cashier that it was for my wife if she asked, but she didn't. I tried it on when I got home, and found that I was indeed the size 10 that I had estimated. But I didn't tuck, so it looked funny. I've actually only been cross-dressing since this started in November. I've only done it about five times or so. I hid the skirt in the garage. I know I can't get more into dressing en femme without my dear wife knowing. I need her help to buy guy clothes. However, I have noticed that I've become more opinionated about female clothing. In The Gap a couple weeks ago, my wife touched a shirt, but I said "No!" with emphasis. This is a contrast to pretending to be bored, which is what I used to do so we'd leave earlier.

Enough for now. Don't expect daily posts, but I'll try to write something a couple times each week.