End of school

On Thursday, I met about twenty of my colleagues from the teaching program at a pub near the university to celebrate. Most people had just finished their last class. I came right after work. Many people were impressed that I took a relatively long car ride to see them. I didn't state that I would have driven three hours instead of just one and a half to see them.

My school colleagues are the closest thing I have to close friends. During the program I tried to do as much as possible with them as I could. I went to parties and even clubs and did had new experiences such as dancing and playing drinking games.

I was there from about 5:00 to 9:30, when they left to go do karaoke. Of course I would have gone, but I had to work at 7:00 a.m. and leave for a weekend trip to Alberta with my mom after work. I'm responsible, so I slept in my car until one, since I'd had a lot of beer. :)

When one of my favourite colleagues left, I really started crying a lot. (oh great, now I'm starting again) I'm so sad that the program is over. I like these people so much and I won't see them often if I do see them. Later, I was also talking to one girl who I'm not super close to. I started getting upset when we were talking about the future. So she had me come sit with her outside and talk to her. I asked if she'd heard about my presentation. She said she'd heard that there had been a big announcement involving me but not the details. So of course I came out to her. She said that she had a cousin who used to be Christine and was now Chris. She promised that we'd get together for coffee.

Yesterday I facebook chatted with the colleague whose leaving made me really cry. She's 40 with three kids. She was one of the people in my class who was very supportive when I came out. She said she'd take me clothes/accessory shopping.

All of the above is my attempt to describe how much I love these people. It's been really fun learning and laughing with them.

But what I don't understand is why they don't actually do things with me. We'll see if these last two promises end up being fulfilled or not. Between the two people that I feel closest to, I have seen them socially (individual, not a school related or a group event) a total of three times. Twice to celebrate the semesters' ends with my carpool partner whom I came out to in December and once to see that play a week ago with my lesbian friend whom I came out to in October.

There's been over five other people who've promised that they would contact me to do something but haven't. I don't get it. I know I'm fucking awesome. I'm easy-going. I'm fun to be around. I'm a good listener. I'm always up for drinking. Is there something wrong with me?

I'm going to keep trying, of course. I really need people to hang out with and talk to that are accepting and who like me of course. (I am super-likeable, I swear!)

Of my local friends, I have a married couple that I've known for over ten years. The husband was my best man. I'm out to the wife, so I'm sure that means he knows too. I see them maybe every three or four weeks. It's always the same - I come over on Friday night at 8 p.m. (after their two year-old is in bed) and bring board games. We don't really talk about deep stuff. Then I'm friends with the brother of the husband. But as with his brother, he's not into talking about anything personal.

I've been working alongside the same four people at work for four weeks now. I've never done that at my job - I usually just work alone. They did actually invite me to join them for a movie a couple weeks ago. Anyway, last week I was driving us to Triple-O's for lunch and I reached into my glove box to get my sunglasses. The woman in her forties saw my cigarettes and was surprised because I'm not a smoker. (every two weeks, maybe) She said, "what other secrets do you have?" I said that I had many. She said that I had to tell her something personal about me every day. So now, every morning, she asks me to peel another layer of the onion. An example of this was that I've only every slept with H., and for the first time on our wedding night. Obviously I have to come out to her at the end of summer.

I just don't know what the deal is with me and friends, and why I have no close ones. I know at work I just assume that everybody doesn't like me anymore because H. dumped me. (we work at the same place.) At school I tried really hard to make friends.

moving

You know, I am worried about moving. I'm going to be moving to a town with a high Christian/Sikh population. Also, I will be transitioning at two jobs. One at the grocery store should be less difficult since it's a large company which probably has policies in place. I will be transferring stores in September, but luckily the HR manager is the same person for both stores. Although I don't see her often, we seem to get along fine. I asked for a transfer a week or so ago and she acted as if she knew me. I am a bit more worried about the school district, since it is known to be conservative. I do have the email of the BCTF (that's the teacher union, basically) person regarding LGBT issues. Still, it's a concern.

And I'm worried about not knowing many people. I know one couple that I haven't seen for five years, and a cousin who has three sons in their twenties. Other than them, I only know the teachers at the school at which I had my practicum. Hopefully it will be fine, and I'll make some friends.

But it's not like I'm moving far away. Moving "away" is something that appeals to me, but not now, and not without a partner/spouse. (Yes, I want to get remarried eventually.) So I'll still see the people I see now occasionally, like friends from high school or from my teaching programme. But I'll still be pretty much alone. I think I'll have to practice my hobbies and just fill my time. I'll be working two jobs, but I'd make time for any friend who wants to see me.

why yes, I'm drunk, how could you tell?

good mood atm

I'm in a generally good and optimistic mood.* I don't think I can nail it down to anything in particular thing, but I have a couple ideas.

- I'm getting excited about school. I do like going to school. I could be a career student if that were feasible. The odd thing about my like of school is that despite completing a bachelor's degree, I never actually learned study habits. This is a bad thing.

- I'm actually getting somewhere with plans for transition. My therapist agrees with me that it would be best to start my professional career as a teacher fully transitioned. The plan is to transition after the practicum. So we're talking April-ish. She's also going to recommend me for hormones. I will start with Spironolactone as per my wishes, and then "see" how that works out.** Obviously it would be best to go full-time with at least some boobage. I am excited about starting hormone treatment. I'm really curious as to the effect of eliminating testosterone on my body and mind will be. This will be the first time in my life that I've ever had a continuing drug prescription for anything.


*Don't worry, I won't started updating my blog every day with mood updates.
**I feel guilty about this. She asked me, keeping eye contact, what I thought about starting estrogen and spiro at the same time versus starting spiro first. I said that I'd prefer trying spiro first. She said that she'd been trying to "read" my eyes. Unfortunately, I'm hard to read. (I don't make it easy for her. :( ) I don't express emotions easily.(I think it's something that I've taught myself for whatever reason) Hopefully, I'll be able to change that.

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Other stuff:

I'm getting psyched about starting a female wardrobe. That's something that I've got to do quite soon. Can't go out en femme without clothes, now, can I? I don't really like shopping, but hopefully this will be different.

Thinking about going part-time raises a question though. Going out for a couple hours is one thing if I bring a change of femme clothes with me. But in a few months, I suspect I'll want to spend more time at home dressed en femme. Is my sister going to have a problem with that? I'm living as her tenant, pretty much. This is why part of me thinks it would be more convenient to live closer to Vancouver: I could more easily "go out" as a "sometimes passer". There certainly aren't any groups for CD's or TG's out here.

I'm going to the PNE with my ex tomorrow. This'll be the first thing we've done together since separation other than having coffee twice. I'm hoping it won't be too weird to be there with her. After all, the last time I was there was with her, perhaps three years ago. I really hope we can continue to be some kind of friends. I'm not expecting it, but it would be even better if she'd help me shop for femme clothes!! (yeah, probably not gonna happen.)

Voice is something that worries me about transition, even going part-time. There are indeed some amazing videos on youtube. But I'm worried that I just can't. I haven't tried yet. I know it's more than just pitch. My ex has a male friend who has a high pitched voice, yet you'd never mistake it for a female voice. Still, when I met Véronique a few weeks ago, her voice was not at all male. I doubt she gets gendered male on the phone very often.

I think I should buy a wig. (I wish I hadn't cut my hair two months ago :( ) My new brother-in-law had a couple friends over a few weeks ago. One of them obviously had alopecia, with a fair amount of hair loss on the top of her head. At the wedding, she said hi to me as I walked by. I didn't recognise her right away because she was wearing a wig and fake eyelashes. They just made her look like someone else.

All for now!

Big news in my life

I have mentioned once or twice on this blog that I'm trying to become a teacher. I actually finished all coursework for my degree in December 2007 and I've been trying to get into a teaching program ever since.

I've applied three times and got waitlisted twice. Recently, I've been waiting eagerly to hear if I get into the program that starts in January. This is something I'd discussed with my therapist, i.e. how would school affect the timeline for transition. (It's a one year program)

I just got an email today from the admissions department. They are offering me the chance to start in September! This is astonishing because I hadn't been able to apply for that intake.

I have to reply by Monday. Right now, I am thinking "YES YES YES!" I am not sure how that would work with transition. I have basically not started anything. I had been planning to start beard removal this fall if I'd gotten in for January. But realistically, I wasn't expecting to be ready to be fulltime by January. For one, I just cut my hair short at the beginning of July in a silly attempt to try to save my marriage. There's no way I could be prepared for January. Obviously September would be just stupidly early.

Now that I may be starting school right away I'll have to start thinking of timelines again. I don't really want to postpone transitioning too long. Perhaps transitioning after the long practicum would be best. I'm just brainstorming right now, but that'd be about March or April. I don't think it would be good to be a newly transitioned transsexual in your practicum.

I'm also thinking about where I'd stay. This program is on the Burnaby campus of SFU. There is no viable public transit from where I live. Driving takes 75-90 minutes each way, at a cost of about $10 per day in gas. One semester, I had to commute four days a week, which was horrible. That was even with my sister taking turns driving. I don't like spending $200 a month in gas, and I find the traffic really stressful. Now that I'm separated, there isn't a huge reason to stay living in this place where I've been for most of my life. So I think I have to consider moving closer to Burnaby.

Money is a concern. Student loans would cover tuition but nothing else. I'd have to think of that. But I really don't want to continue working at a grocery store for the rest of my life. I gotta get a career.

Misc thoughts

So I read Suzanne's entire blog last night. Actually it was technically this morning.

Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.

I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.

I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.

More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.

Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.

Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.

Masculinity vs. Femininity

I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.

I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.


I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.

Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.

This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.