ooh, physiological changes!

Well, like the title says, I've started to notice physiological changes.

My endocrinologist believes in moving up dosages gradually. I'm taking Estradot 37.5 right now; I started with Estradot 25 almost six months ago. Estradot 50 will be next.

Anyways, a couple weeks ago I noticed my left nipple was sore. It sort of felt like a bruise. Since then, it's become something that I can feel under the surface. It's a breast bud! Right one just feels a tiny bit sore so far.

Also, I just noticed in the shower today that I don't seem to have dark hair around my nipples anymore. I didn't need to shave my chest at all!

So it's great that hormones are starting their effects. Hopefully even though I'm almost thirty they'll have the effect they would on a younger body. I did develop relatively late. (pubic hair at 15, for example)

And hopefully the timing of everything works too.

overdue update

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on here.

School has been going well. Teaching in my practicum re-affirms to me that I should be a teacher. I find it rewarding. Sure, it's challenging, but I find it rewarding. I don't know what I'd do other than teach. I am not going to keep working at the grocery store for the rest of my life. If I fail my practicum, I "won't make it." I'll kill myself. But I'm a "natural." I just have to not fuck up for another month or so.

I don't like being called "Monsieur _______". But it's a necessary evil. A couple weeks ago we had to pretend to be a T.O.C. (a.k.a. subsitute teacher) for a day. I did Grade 1 instead of 10. I loved it. I think I'd consider doing it for reals. (the young ones also called me Madame by accident. :) )

I had a pro-d day during this week. (that's a non-teaching work day). I was in four workshops, and there were at maximum 3 men in each one. Teaching is a fairly woman-dominated profession. Languages doubly so.

I am on the next level Estradot patch. Since the lowest one didn't do anything physiologically, perhaps this will start something. I had fucked up and not made an appointment for my endocrinologist early enough, so I had been without anything for two weeks. It was not nice having a sex drive again. I explained it to my carpool partner as being like the trailer for "40 days and 40 nights." You just sort of feel antsy. There was a recent post in the blogosphere of somebody saying transwomen were happy to lose their libido because it isn't feminine to have one. I don't feel that way; I feel it's just annoying to have it. I know women can have a strong sex drive; I remember fondly one part of my marriage during which my ex-wife would bang on the wall when she was in bed trying to get to sleep (because of working early) when she wanted sex.

A week ago I had my fourth laser treatment. Now, the hair is starting to shed. I bought three more treatments. I hope that's enough to deal with all the dark hairs so I only need electrolysis for the blonde hairs. I find facial hair to be really unpleasant. (and dysphoric..)

Valentine's day wasn't too horrible. My parents actually came over to check on me; I thought it was pretty sweet. It's just more the everyday stuff. As I've mentioned already, it isn't the marriage being over that bothers me; it's more the lack of my best friend.(or any good ones for that matter)

I fucking hate weekends for the most part. I don't see my carpool partner so I have nobody to talk to. I don't usually see friends. Ok sure, last night I did see this couple that I've been friends with for over ten years. But we aren't close. I can't talk to them about stuff I want to talk about. It bothers me that nobody that I have known before my separation knows that I'm on hormones and that I'm beginning transition. Last night there was a free deadmau5 concert at the Livecity Yaletown site in Vancouver. I really wanted to go. But I had nobody to go with. I tried unsuccessfully to convince my ex to call in sick for work and come with me. I don't have anyone else to ask that might have gone.

I've fucking been home all day. I haven't fucking done anything today. I'm fucking lazy. I was outside of the house for about 20 minutes. Fuck. I've had three Maudite strong beer. Weekends would be harder without booze. I think getting through my program is what is keeping me alive. That's not enough. I need to find something else in life that is worth it.

I told my mom I'm atheist. Of course she was upset. But I stated that that issue is nowhere near the top of my list of important things in my life. Perhaps one day I will be able to tell my family and old friends about my plans for transition. I suppose it's sort of convenient that I don't have anything holding me down anywhere.

Goddamn life.

misc

Nothing super exciting to share - just a few random things.

On Friday I had a Professional-Development Day at my new practicum. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a day off school on which teachers go to workshops. I went to a French as a Second Language meeting for secondary FSL teachers in the district. (since I'm a student teacher, I must go to those as well) I made it through the morning without anybody saying anything, but right after lunch, a teacher asked how I felt "being the only guy there." I said, "um, no problem." Then she made a comment about all the estrogen in the room and I had to refrain from saying, "well, actually..."

Which brings me to the next item. I fucked up by not making an appointment with my endocrinologist early enough, so I made one today for Feb 15th. That's two weeks after my girl pills run out. I will get a blood test this Saturday so that he has the information when I see him three weeks later. But it's still annoying. I also hope to get on a much higher dose of estrogen. He believes in "ramping" up the estrogen, in an attempt to simulate puberty. However, after three months on .025 mg (daily) hasn't provided me with any noticeable physiological change. (This is Estradot 25, btw) So it would be nice to be taking something much stronger.

Right now, I'm in three Grade 9 classrooms. These kids are all around 14. It is funny to see them separated by gender. They had to do review for the final exam today. They were allowed to choose their own group to a maximum of four and in no class did a boy sit at the same table as a girl. This is probably the last year they will separate themselves like that.

I'm a bit concerned about transitioning and getting a job. I will be able to apply for jobs starting in September. (likely a job I could get as a rookie would be as a TOC, a.k.a teacher on call, substitute teacher, supply teacher.) I will not be full-time by then. So let's say I do that for six months or so. When I've gone full-time, I'll basically have to worry about the tolerance of many people, the school adminstrator being only one. My most important references at at that point will be from the "real" teacher I'm working with right now and from the woman from the University that will come to observe me. I'm not concerned with informing them in a year, "um, you may get some calls asking for __ ___ instead of ___ ___." But I'd still be relying on them to be cool with me.

Some more facial hair has entered the growth cycle in the last week. Obviously, I find it disgusting, but it is a good thing because that means it will be able to be killed at my laser appointment in mid February. Last appointment, I don't think there had been much growth.

I'm still pretty lonely. But being back at school and in a classroom means I at least get to see people. I don't like coming home. I don't like the weekends. The only thing to get excited about is my home theatre.

Two weeks ago I got drunk and bitched on Facebook about how my life sucked to someone in my program. Then I was embarrassed so I ignored her all week. Then I apologized for that. Sigh. This is the one I have that crush on. (yeah, it's harmless and I would never mention it; it's not gonna happen.)

fortnightly check-in

Honestly, I don't mean to do this only every two weeks. But somehow it just works out like that.

I don't really follow LGBT blogs that closely. I hadn't even heard of this Bilerico project place until this recent drama hit. Some activist that I'd also never heard of apparently posted something controversial that was somewhat anti-trans. There are reactions about it all over the LGBT blogosphere. They even pulled that post.

Anyways, something happened last week that reminded me of all the above. At my university, we had a couple presenters in to talk to us about educating homephobia. At the beginning, they wrote "LGBTQ" on the board and asked if everybody knew what that meant. One of them identified as "homosexuelle." (That word is declined to the feminine) The other one didn't identify herself as "LGBTQ" but specified that she had a female partner.

A big gripe I had was that they only paid the "T" lip service. They barely mentioned anything "T" related at all, other than boasting that one of their posters mentioned transphobia as well as homophobia. They, of course, did indeed mention that gender identity =/ sexual orientation.

The second issue I had was that the workshop was based solely on ways to educate students about homophobia, using ways such as comparing homophobia to racism or sexism. I think they should have mentioned ways to make the LGTBQ students in our classrooms to feel safer and more included. For example, something I do in my classroom is never separate boys/girls, or choose groups that way. Obviously, I'm more sensitive than most teachers, but I think sensitivity on this matter is something all teachers need to develop. I know I dislike having to choose, so I'm sure it's just as difficult for a trans student, or a questioning student.
Another thing I believe in is avoiding heteronormativity. I remember this one game we played in Grade 6 French Immersion, « veux-tu m'épouser ? » or "will you marry me?" The goal was to make another student smile when you proposed. Obviously this was a very heteronormative game; I'm sure nobody would have dared to propose to someone of the same gender.

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Hormones are still making me feel awesome. I haven't taken the anti-depressant (it was a weak one anyways) for two weeks. I just feel pretty happy in general, and the feeling of awesomeness is still there. I'm probably doing a horrible job of describing it, but it's a completely different thing for me.
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Non-trans related: My practicum is over. I have another one starting in January. It was a pretty good experience for the most part. I think I learned a great deal about teaching. I know I improved a lot during the roughly four weeks. Now I have three weeks off from school, which means I have to work more and earn some money. I was a little upset today at work. Not only did I go on my break at the wrong time (my ex was in the lunchroom) but then her new boyfriend came in to the lunchroom and started talking to her. Finally her father was in shopping and said hi.

I've been turning into somewhat of a party animal. I swear I'm at a "party" party every week-end. Last weekend I went to one on a Saturday night even though I had to work the next day, which meant for a really rough drive to work. (I slept over there; I would never drink and drive) Then on Thursday I was in quite the hedonistic mood, I guess. Not only did I get drunk at the pub on campus at lunch(hey, it was a shortened day), but I went to a club in Surrey with the usual party crowd from my programme. Let's just say I have no idea how much I drank, but I spent the $100 I had brought... I also danced, which is apparently only something I've started doing in the last two weeks or so. At the end my friends cut me off. This kind of drinking is much different than I would do before. Before, I would often get drunk alone after work. (no matter what the time of day!) Now, I seem to "only" binge drink socially once or twice a week(end). I don't seem to have any interest in drinking at home, aside from maybe a beer with food.

oops, I blabbed on yet again.

Canadian Blood services and misc.

Nearly 4 weeks ago I attempted to donate blood. I was unsuccessful.

The first problem was that the registering person(not the nurse) put down "Mr" in the computer without asking me. I asked her to remove it, but she was unable to, even after asking a supervisor. She promised that they wouldn't send me letters so I would never see or hear that word.

Next problem was seeing the screening nurse. She was only somewhat familiar with trans issues. For example, after I told her which drugs I was taking she asked me, "so you were born a..." Obviously no transperson born a woman would be taking estrogen... Even though I wasn't taking any drugs that would not allow me to donate(Proscar would be an example), she had to ask for medical approval (from a doctor who wasn't there). They were supposed to call two weeks later.

Well today, I got a letter addressed to "Mr. ____ ______." I do have approval now. But now my reason for donating(I was trying to donate to add to my school's tally) is disappeared. So I don't know if I'll bother. Donating means being outed every time.
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TMI alert
Effects of hormones:
I'm not quite sure. I still feel pretty good, including self-esteem. I decided to stop taking the mild anti-depressant a few days to rule out its effect on my morale.
Spontaneous erections are a thing of the past.
Libido is not entirely gone. But somehow it is different. When I masturbate, (about once a week), it's mostly out of curiosity.(I can, erections aren't very hard, however) My "desire" is more for cuddling or non-sexual physical intimacy.

/TMI
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I'm still changing as a person. Friday night, I went to a birthday party for a girl from my programme. It was at a bar. I wouldn't have actually gone, but I was misled into thinking it was more of a pub. Anyway, instead of my plan of making an appearance and staying an hour, I moved my car to where it could stay overnight. I actually danced for the first time. Well, first time doing a non-structured dance. That kind of stuff has always terrified me. It's sort of artistic expression with no explicit rules. To me, it's like somebody tells you to sing, but you can't sing a song that you know, or even one that exists. Anyways, it wasn't too bad. I didn't get super drunk since I didn't start early enough. Anecdote: I nearly jizzed myself(that's a gender neutral term these days) when the birthday girl (who I have a huge crush on, incidently) leaned her head on my shoulder during a photo op. The birthday girl, another programme colleague, and I went to the birthday girl's house to crash. (at 3 am!) They laid down on her bed right away and I laid down between them. Then we talked about who had crushes on who and that kind of stuff. I sorta felt like "one of the girls." I love that feeling, although it doesn't usually last. In this case, I left the bed to sleep on the floor. (I was sober enough to realize that it would be creepy when one of them woke up with me next to them.)

Which brings me to the last thing I want to write about at this moment. For me, wanting to be female isn't "all about the clothes" , which is the impression you get from reading many trans blogs. (I'm not criticizing.) Rather, it's the social role(or perceived social role??) that appeals to me. For example, today in this class I'm taking, we did a kind of role play game. Five of us had a role to play. We each got a piece of paper with instructions on how we were supposed to act. The goal of the activity was to demonstrate cultural differences. Each of the five had different instructions, an example being to avoid making eye contact while or listening. The one I got was that I had to shake hands upon "meeting" somebody and then I had to touch the arm, elbow, or shoulder when talking. Somebody pointed out that it would be especially weird because guys aren't allowed to do that kind of stuff in our culture. (which is completely true, of course) That's just one tiny example of me being jealous of female role(s).

All for now, stay safe!

I am fucking awesome.

Well, I've been on the hormones for two and a half weeks. I don't know which of these things are the cause of my newfound awesomeness: the hormones/spiro or the anti-depressants.(or both?)

Regardless, I've never felt this way in my life. At the one week mark I did not feel any different whatsoever. Now, hopefully I can describe how I'm feeling. It's difficult when you're emotionally stunted, I suppose. Basically, I just feel like I'm the most awesome person ever. It's probably a self-esteem thing. I would never have thought that I liked myself. Two weeks ago, I could have listed off several of my good qualities, but still felt that I "sucked." Now, I can think of some negative qualities, but they don't seem to be that important. Before, I would occasionally feel like I had to pretend to be happy, and now I actually am.

I really hope this lasts; I like it.

I have noticed the libido dwindle down to nothing. Before, I would attempt "preemptive masturbation" to try to (unsuccessfully) curb sexual thoughts, but now I don't need to. This is a desired effect, for now at least.

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What else?
•I've been on a practicum in a high school. That's been going well; I really enjoy it.
•I am seriously thinking of moving for January. I would hopefully be able to get a practicum placement close to where I move, or vice-versa. I don't get quite enough privacy here. For example, I couldn't practice makeup in the bathroom.
•I am really happy to be working toward my future career. I don't come home from a day at school and feel the need to start drinking immediately like I did when I worked five days a week at the grocery store.
•One of my colleagues at university was surprised that I was separated, because I "seem so happy." Even before my recently discovered self-esteem, I didn't let it bother me. Of course I miss her for the most part, but for now at least, I am enjoying the single life. On Tuesday night a few of us from university went to the pub to watch the horrible Canucks game, then went to somebody's house to play Rock Band and drinking games. I couldn't do that kind of stuff while married. It was great to go out and not know where I was going to spend the night and when I'd be home. (I slept on somebody's couch)
•I watched 2012 on Saturday. I do like the disaster genre, but was surprised to find myself tearing up when characters died. I wonder if I can blame that one on the hormones/spiro. Usually I only cry in a drama, such as My Sister's Keeper.

I've been failing in my blog duties

Sorry for the long break. I could say that I've been busy, which is true, but I'm fairly lazy.

Last Tuesday I had my first full face laser treatment. I chose not to do anything for the pain during the procedure, aside for the ice numbing before each section is done. It hurts, there's no way around it. I think it's just one of those things that you suffer through, since the result is worth it. The technician said that I was very tolerant of the pain, but that my skin was sensitive. I stayed after my appointment to keep an ice pack on my face. Then I went to a drugstore to buy aloe vera gel. The pain after was very manageable, but the aloe did feel nice. There was some redness, but the swelling was confined to the under chin/jaw area. So it almost looked like I had a double chin. The tingling was gone the next day, but I've had lots of acne since. I haven't been shaving much, to let the zapped hairs get pushed out. That started to happen today.

Since I was a bit worried about pain, I did a little drinking before, but not enough to help. The real drinking started after I got out of the laser clinic. I had brought a mickey of vodka along. (a 375 mL bottle, or about 13 oz) I nearly finished that over the next five hours or so. This meant I was pretty drunk all evening, which may have been a poor choice. I met about half the people from my class at a theatre and we saw a play. Nobody mentioned my redness. I was pretty emotional before; for some reason I was crying while waiting for everybody to get there. I think I was very friendly to one of my colleagues, but I don't think it crossed the line into flirty. After, another colleague offered me the use of her couch, since it would have taken me an hour to get to my car and another hour to get home. (although obviously I wouldn't have driven drunk no matter what) This girl is a lesbian. I knew pretty much as soon as I met her. Since I had lowered inhibitions, I came out to her. She was supportive, but we haven't talked about it since. When I woke I was so disoriented. I basically didn't know where her apartment was beyond a general area. Somehow, my intuition was enough to lead me to a Skytrain station.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the endocrinologist. I got a prescription for estrogen, (patch form) progesterone(he asked me if I had an opinion about this, I didn't) and a real dose of spironolactone. Since my last therapist appointment, I had decided that there was little point in starting on spiro with no E. I asked the endo how long before the physical changes will be harder to hide. Unfortunately that is not predictable. I'm not going to commit to a timeline, but transition in April, August, or December 2010 are the dates on the table. It depends on physical and behavioural changes, as well as scheduling. It would be unwise to transition in the middle of my long practicum next year. I realise that when I apply for my first teaching jobs in 2011 that all the references will be in my current name, which means that I'll be outed to the administrator who is hiring as well as the school district. I can live with that. What I don't think I could live with is being a substitute teacher who doesn't pass. Teenagers can be quite cruel. The endo also ordered a blood test, which I got first thing this morning. (if you don't know, you have to fast beforehand) That was the first time in my life that I'd had blood taken. It was really easy. I barely felt the needle go in, and watched three vials fill without getting squeamish. The endo had put "F" on the blood request form. That's the first time I've seen my name associated with the "F". It was a nice feeling. But the "F" meant that the nurse at the lab asked me why it was there. Without saying anything I pointed to the comments line that said "MTF transsexual." She apologized, and I said it was no problem. I will have to get used to that kind of thing happening. I think I have a thick skin. (Yeah, I know, it's easy to say that now...)

As an aside, my mood has generally been good. I am happy to be in a high school, on a short practicum. But going to school makes appointments and stuff hard. Yesterday I had to leave early to go to the endo. Tuesday I have another laser appointment. Two weeks seems way too short of an interval. Perhaps they are just trying to get money. I will make the next one four weeks away. I've already paid for the next three since there was a sale on.

All for now!

Getting somewhere

Well, I am making some progress on this confusing path through transition.

I don't want to say that "no matter what, I'm going to go through this." I want to be cautious. I may come to think that transitioning is not for me. There is no point going through hell if I don't want to arrive at the destination.

Still, that's not how I feel. I don't feel like a guy; I like it when someone refers to me as something else. Today, a girl at school said something to someone else along the lines of "all the guys do ...." . But she specified, "except for you of course ____."

Monday was a horrible, horrible day. It was the worst day I've had since that phone call from the doctor's office which outed me. The specifics don't really matter, it's more about how these events made me feel. Point form:

1. I dented my car(not majorly) in a single car accident involving entering a parking lot.
2. I ran over a squirrel 45 minutes later. (I obviously didn't get the combination of swerving and slowing down right)
3. I lacerated my leg an hour after that. That required stitches. I was doing something without the proper protection; I knew better.

What didn't help was that I had to be somewhere that evening and overnight. I would have preferred to sulk and be alone. But our entire class was having a bonding "retreat", so I couldn't leave after my leg accident. Any one of those things alone wouldn't have bothered me a huge amount, but it was just an entire mess that got me down.

The leg cuts were indeed fairly deep. I was basically forced to go to the hospital. I kept telling everybody that it was fine, but one woman insisted on giving me first aid, saying that she liked me and she didn't want anything bad happening to me. But she was panicking, worrying that she didn't know what she was doing. So she asked around if anyone knew first aid. This other girl (that I have a crush on, incidentally) had a certificate because she works with kids, so she said she would help me. She was really calm and professional. Then I was forced off to the hospital. But I wasn't allowed to drive myself; two people took me. Basically, this was all humiliating, getting all the attention. People were bringing me water and dessert.

So during the car ride there, I was crying half the way. Luckily I was in the back, so my colleagues didn't see me. Then at the hospital emergency room, I was allowed inside the ER to wait for a room to be available, so I was alone. I cried some more. Then when we got back, everybody made a big fuss. I did enjoy the two hugs I got, (one from the first aid girl I have a crush one) since it's been a long time since I've gotten a hug from somebody that I wasn't related to. But I'd come back to a dance party; the campfire had been canceled due to rain. Now, I don't dance. I don't mind "learning" a dance. Once, at a friend's wedding, we were taught certain square dances. That was really fun. But I just can't do "creative" things. I suppose that that could be explained as "learned helplessness" meaning that I've decided that I can't be creative so I won't try. I got C's and C-'s in middle school art class. So basically I refuse to dance, since it isn't something that I can be taught. I wish that could change. Perhaps one day.

Anyways, yesterday I saw my GP. He'd gotten the letter from my psychologist. He gave me a prescription for a "mild" anti-depressant and a low dose of spironolactone. He is also referring me to a nearby endocrinologist who has trans-experience; I think he wanted the endo to deal with the hormone stuff. I was once again impressed that he treated me just like another patient with a more mundane problem.

So yay, I'm getting drugs. I will get a stronger dose of spiro, see how that makes me feel, then consider estrogen.

good mood atm

I'm in a generally good and optimistic mood.* I don't think I can nail it down to anything in particular thing, but I have a couple ideas.

- I'm getting excited about school. I do like going to school. I could be a career student if that were feasible. The odd thing about my like of school is that despite completing a bachelor's degree, I never actually learned study habits. This is a bad thing.

- I'm actually getting somewhere with plans for transition. My therapist agrees with me that it would be best to start my professional career as a teacher fully transitioned. The plan is to transition after the practicum. So we're talking April-ish. She's also going to recommend me for hormones. I will start with Spironolactone as per my wishes, and then "see" how that works out.** Obviously it would be best to go full-time with at least some boobage. I am excited about starting hormone treatment. I'm really curious as to the effect of eliminating testosterone on my body and mind will be. This will be the first time in my life that I've ever had a continuing drug prescription for anything.


*Don't worry, I won't started updating my blog every day with mood updates.
**I feel guilty about this. She asked me, keeping eye contact, what I thought about starting estrogen and spiro at the same time versus starting spiro first. I said that I'd prefer trying spiro first. She said that she'd been trying to "read" my eyes. Unfortunately, I'm hard to read. (I don't make it easy for her. :( ) I don't express emotions easily.(I think it's something that I've taught myself for whatever reason) Hopefully, I'll be able to change that.

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Other stuff:

I'm getting psyched about starting a female wardrobe. That's something that I've got to do quite soon. Can't go out en femme without clothes, now, can I? I don't really like shopping, but hopefully this will be different.

Thinking about going part-time raises a question though. Going out for a couple hours is one thing if I bring a change of femme clothes with me. But in a few months, I suspect I'll want to spend more time at home dressed en femme. Is my sister going to have a problem with that? I'm living as her tenant, pretty much. This is why part of me thinks it would be more convenient to live closer to Vancouver: I could more easily "go out" as a "sometimes passer". There certainly aren't any groups for CD's or TG's out here.

I'm going to the PNE with my ex tomorrow. This'll be the first thing we've done together since separation other than having coffee twice. I'm hoping it won't be too weird to be there with her. After all, the last time I was there was with her, perhaps three years ago. I really hope we can continue to be some kind of friends. I'm not expecting it, but it would be even better if she'd help me shop for femme clothes!! (yeah, probably not gonna happen.)

Voice is something that worries me about transition, even going part-time. There are indeed some amazing videos on youtube. But I'm worried that I just can't. I haven't tried yet. I know it's more than just pitch. My ex has a male friend who has a high pitched voice, yet you'd never mistake it for a female voice. Still, when I met Véronique a few weeks ago, her voice was not at all male. I doubt she gets gendered male on the phone very often.

I think I should buy a wig. (I wish I hadn't cut my hair two months ago :( ) My new brother-in-law had a couple friends over a few weeks ago. One of them obviously had alopecia, with a fair amount of hair loss on the top of her head. At the wedding, she said hi to me as I walked by. I didn't recognise her right away because she was wearing a wig and fake eyelashes. They just made her look like someone else.

All for now!