misc

Nothing super exciting to share - just a few random things.

On Friday I had a Professional-Development Day at my new practicum. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a day off school on which teachers go to workshops. I went to a French as a Second Language meeting for secondary FSL teachers in the district. (since I'm a student teacher, I must go to those as well) I made it through the morning without anybody saying anything, but right after lunch, a teacher asked how I felt "being the only guy there." I said, "um, no problem." Then she made a comment about all the estrogen in the room and I had to refrain from saying, "well, actually..."

Which brings me to the next item. I fucked up by not making an appointment with my endocrinologist early enough, so I made one today for Feb 15th. That's two weeks after my girl pills run out. I will get a blood test this Saturday so that he has the information when I see him three weeks later. But it's still annoying. I also hope to get on a much higher dose of estrogen. He believes in "ramping" up the estrogen, in an attempt to simulate puberty. However, after three months on .025 mg (daily) hasn't provided me with any noticeable physiological change. (This is Estradot 25, btw) So it would be nice to be taking something much stronger.

Right now, I'm in three Grade 9 classrooms. These kids are all around 14. It is funny to see them separated by gender. They had to do review for the final exam today. They were allowed to choose their own group to a maximum of four and in no class did a boy sit at the same table as a girl. This is probably the last year they will separate themselves like that.

I'm a bit concerned about transitioning and getting a job. I will be able to apply for jobs starting in September. (likely a job I could get as a rookie would be as a TOC, a.k.a teacher on call, substitute teacher, supply teacher.) I will not be full-time by then. So let's say I do that for six months or so. When I've gone full-time, I'll basically have to worry about the tolerance of many people, the school adminstrator being only one. My most important references at at that point will be from the "real" teacher I'm working with right now and from the woman from the University that will come to observe me. I'm not concerned with informing them in a year, "um, you may get some calls asking for __ ___ instead of ___ ___." But I'd still be relying on them to be cool with me.

Some more facial hair has entered the growth cycle in the last week. Obviously, I find it disgusting, but it is a good thing because that means it will be able to be killed at my laser appointment in mid February. Last appointment, I don't think there had been much growth.

I'm still pretty lonely. But being back at school and in a classroom means I at least get to see people. I don't like coming home. I don't like the weekends. The only thing to get excited about is my home theatre.

Two weeks ago I got drunk and bitched on Facebook about how my life sucked to someone in my program. Then I was embarrassed so I ignored her all week. Then I apologized for that. Sigh. This is the one I have that crush on. (yeah, it's harmless and I would never mention it; it's not gonna happen.)

Canadian Blood services and misc.

Nearly 4 weeks ago I attempted to donate blood. I was unsuccessful.

The first problem was that the registering person(not the nurse) put down "Mr" in the computer without asking me. I asked her to remove it, but she was unable to, even after asking a supervisor. She promised that they wouldn't send me letters so I would never see or hear that word.

Next problem was seeing the screening nurse. She was only somewhat familiar with trans issues. For example, after I told her which drugs I was taking she asked me, "so you were born a..." Obviously no transperson born a woman would be taking estrogen... Even though I wasn't taking any drugs that would not allow me to donate(Proscar would be an example), she had to ask for medical approval (from a doctor who wasn't there). They were supposed to call two weeks later.

Well today, I got a letter addressed to "Mr. ____ ______." I do have approval now. But now my reason for donating(I was trying to donate to add to my school's tally) is disappeared. So I don't know if I'll bother. Donating means being outed every time.
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TMI alert
Effects of hormones:
I'm not quite sure. I still feel pretty good, including self-esteem. I decided to stop taking the mild anti-depressant a few days to rule out its effect on my morale.
Spontaneous erections are a thing of the past.
Libido is not entirely gone. But somehow it is different. When I masturbate, (about once a week), it's mostly out of curiosity.(I can, erections aren't very hard, however) My "desire" is more for cuddling or non-sexual physical intimacy.

/TMI
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I'm still changing as a person. Friday night, I went to a birthday party for a girl from my programme. It was at a bar. I wouldn't have actually gone, but I was misled into thinking it was more of a pub. Anyway, instead of my plan of making an appearance and staying an hour, I moved my car to where it could stay overnight. I actually danced for the first time. Well, first time doing a non-structured dance. That kind of stuff has always terrified me. It's sort of artistic expression with no explicit rules. To me, it's like somebody tells you to sing, but you can't sing a song that you know, or even one that exists. Anyways, it wasn't too bad. I didn't get super drunk since I didn't start early enough. Anecdote: I nearly jizzed myself(that's a gender neutral term these days) when the birthday girl (who I have a huge crush on, incidently) leaned her head on my shoulder during a photo op. The birthday girl, another programme colleague, and I went to the birthday girl's house to crash. (at 3 am!) They laid down on her bed right away and I laid down between them. Then we talked about who had crushes on who and that kind of stuff. I sorta felt like "one of the girls." I love that feeling, although it doesn't usually last. In this case, I left the bed to sleep on the floor. (I was sober enough to realize that it would be creepy when one of them woke up with me next to them.)

Which brings me to the last thing I want to write about at this moment. For me, wanting to be female isn't "all about the clothes" , which is the impression you get from reading many trans blogs. (I'm not criticizing.) Rather, it's the social role(or perceived social role??) that appeals to me. For example, today in this class I'm taking, we did a kind of role play game. Five of us had a role to play. We each got a piece of paper with instructions on how we were supposed to act. The goal of the activity was to demonstrate cultural differences. Each of the five had different instructions, an example being to avoid making eye contact while or listening. The one I got was that I had to shake hands upon "meeting" somebody and then I had to touch the arm, elbow, or shoulder when talking. Somebody pointed out that it would be especially weird because guys aren't allowed to do that kind of stuff in our culture. (which is completely true, of course) That's just one tiny example of me being jealous of female role(s).

All for now, stay safe!

Yet another misc. post

Miscellanea,

At lunch time yesterday, some of us students were discussing what is acceptable for a teacher to discuss with a student. An example given was a teenage girl asking advice from her teacher on how to seek an abortion. The conversation evolved into a discussion of the girls in the group remembering how they had the "period" talk in elementary school. I remember that day, in grade 6. All of the boys in the class were kicked out during class time and made to wait outside of the school. We were curious, but I supposed it wasn't deemed acceptable for mixed-groups to learn about the menstration cycle. One girl mentioned that her class got that talk as a mixed group.

Another girl mentioned that as teachers, we might "have transgender, gay, and lesbian, and what's the proper term for hermaphrodite." I blurted out that it was "intersex", and she went on to explain that some of those kids might not like to be singled out into one gender group. I was tempted to say "you should try being an adult like that" but I didn't. I was impressed that somebody could be so thoughtful. Perhaps I'm more used to the religious, close-minded kinds of people.

Speaking of religious people, I was over at my parents' place last night for supper. I mentioned that I had finished The Life of Pi. (my mom had lent it to me) I said that it was clearly a metaphor for something, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. My dad said that it was a metaphor for the "interchangeability of religions." I was astonished to hear him say that, especially since he didn't say it disapprovingly. Now, over ten years ago in high school I had occasionally stated that C.S. Lewis suggested in The Last Battle that it didn't matter what religion you followed. But he didn't necessarily react to that back then.

I have an appointment with my GP on Tuesday. He should have the letter sent from my therapist by then. I am hoping that he is willing to help me. If not, there is an endocrinologist one town over that deals with trans patients. I am eager to find out how the anti-depressant and spiro will affect me.

Nobody in my class has mentioned my smooth, moisturized legs. I wasn't worried about people asking, but I was just curious. I do wear shorts most of the time. I wish I had ones that were less baggy. But I think I missed the shorts season.

Miscellaneous being out stuff

This being out to my wife thing doesn't make anything easier. I'm relieved that I don't have to hide that secret, of course. Yet I have to watch what I say just as much. Also, my wife keeps bringing up negative things.

She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.

Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.

She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.

I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.

This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.

Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.

Shopping

My wife and I went shopping today. It was actually pretty fun. I liked vetoing certain things that she held up, saying, "no that's not your style." But I kept wondering, "hmm, I wonder if that comes in my size?" I refused to look at any male clothes or shoes meant for me. I suppose that'll get suspicious if I keep it up; I don't care.

Women are going to start thinking I'm a creepy pervert. I keep staring at them, analysing their clothes, hair, body shape. I wonder what they would think if they knew I wanted to be one of them. I've discovered that facial structure seems to be the main thing that enables me to tell male from female. Men are wearing "skinny jeans" too, and women wear button up male-style shirts. My wife has one friend who has a fairly masculine body shape, and shorter hair. Her face, however, even with the piercing, could not be mistaken for male.

Misc. fact: I used to work around customers, and I used to have longer hair, which I kept in a ponytail under a hat just at work. Occasionally, a senior (never someone under forty) would call me "miss" or "ma'am" if they only saw me from behind. I never got upset; I would either ignore them until they said just "excuse me" or correct them. I realise now that I didn't really mind being called that.

The other night at some kind of social event, I overheard my dad tell my friend that: "my real name's uncle lives in place, that's where her(meaning me) mom grew up." I wondered why my dad referred to me with a female pronoun. Neither he nor my friend corrected it. Probably doesn't mean anything. Perhaps that kind of gender confusion stuff happened often, and I've only just become sensitised to it.

On New Year's Eve, when I put on clothes to go out, I discovered one of my wife's T-shirts in my drawer. So I wore it. My wife only noticed sometime after I took my jacket off. I asserted that it was in my drawer so I thought I could wear it. She exclaimed that the sleeves were really short. I shrugged, and nobody else made a big deal about it.

Later, when we needed to make up two teams for a game, somebody suggested that the teams be made up "boys-vs-girls". I felt like trying to join the girls' team, but didn't say anything. The three girls easily beat the five or six boys.