Two steps

I'll try for brevity for once.

Yesterday and today, I made two steps toward transition.

The first and more significant is that I made my first public appearance as C___. C___ is the female name I've been leaning towards for about a year. I chose a safe and friendly environment in which to appear as me. I invited my lesbian friend from school to see a play called Tiny Replicas, which is about two men who have a baby together. She also brought a couple friends, also lesbians. After the play we went to my friend's apartment and another lesbian couple came over as well. Near the end, my friend's fiancée came home. I was wearing makeup and Joe fresh clothing. I would have liked more time to get ready to go, but I live far from East Vancouver, where the play was "montée." Shit, I'm forgetting English.

I felt completely safe. It felt right to be out as C_____. I was only a tiny bit nervous. My friend introduced me to her friends as C_____. (I hadn't met any of them before). The name "C____" seems to work, and I like it. The only minor snafu was when my friend's fiancée came home and said, "Hi, malename!" I'd met her once previously. Since I'd only decided to come as C____ that day, she didn't know better. My friend corrected her. So that was only a bit awkward. I am really thankful to my friend C for giving me this chance. Her friends were all awesome too. I thought to myself, "Holy shit, I'm here as C____ hanging out with six liberal lesbian Christians!" Not the kind of people I usually get to spend time with. I wish I knew more LGBT people that I could hang out with. C is awesome but I don't get to see her much. (This was the first time I'd met her socially outside of school.)

Second thing that I did yesterday was getting my ears pierced. I asked a coworker with several ear piercings where I should go to get that done. She suggested this hair salon/tattoo parlour/piercing place. So I went there and got it done without waiting. Since this was done by a piercer, it was done with a needle, not with a gun. It didn't hurt very much. Laser hair removal is much worse, and it lasts longer.

Speaking of laser hair removal, I have my seventh and last session scheduled for next week. I called today and had no problem getting an appointment. The technician I spoke to on the phone said that it hasn't been too busy because people are getting tanned by the sun and hence have to wait. I said I wore sunscreen even when it's cloudy and she said, "I've trained you well."

overdue update

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on here.

School has been going well. Teaching in my practicum re-affirms to me that I should be a teacher. I find it rewarding. Sure, it's challenging, but I find it rewarding. I don't know what I'd do other than teach. I am not going to keep working at the grocery store for the rest of my life. If I fail my practicum, I "won't make it." I'll kill myself. But I'm a "natural." I just have to not fuck up for another month or so.

I don't like being called "Monsieur _______". But it's a necessary evil. A couple weeks ago we had to pretend to be a T.O.C. (a.k.a. subsitute teacher) for a day. I did Grade 1 instead of 10. I loved it. I think I'd consider doing it for reals. (the young ones also called me Madame by accident. :) )

I had a pro-d day during this week. (that's a non-teaching work day). I was in four workshops, and there were at maximum 3 men in each one. Teaching is a fairly woman-dominated profession. Languages doubly so.

I am on the next level Estradot patch. Since the lowest one didn't do anything physiologically, perhaps this will start something. I had fucked up and not made an appointment for my endocrinologist early enough, so I had been without anything for two weeks. It was not nice having a sex drive again. I explained it to my carpool partner as being like the trailer for "40 days and 40 nights." You just sort of feel antsy. There was a recent post in the blogosphere of somebody saying transwomen were happy to lose their libido because it isn't feminine to have one. I don't feel that way; I feel it's just annoying to have it. I know women can have a strong sex drive; I remember fondly one part of my marriage during which my ex-wife would bang on the wall when she was in bed trying to get to sleep (because of working early) when she wanted sex.

A week ago I had my fourth laser treatment. Now, the hair is starting to shed. I bought three more treatments. I hope that's enough to deal with all the dark hairs so I only need electrolysis for the blonde hairs. I find facial hair to be really unpleasant. (and dysphoric..)

Valentine's day wasn't too horrible. My parents actually came over to check on me; I thought it was pretty sweet. It's just more the everyday stuff. As I've mentioned already, it isn't the marriage being over that bothers me; it's more the lack of my best friend.(or any good ones for that matter)

I fucking hate weekends for the most part. I don't see my carpool partner so I have nobody to talk to. I don't usually see friends. Ok sure, last night I did see this couple that I've been friends with for over ten years. But we aren't close. I can't talk to them about stuff I want to talk about. It bothers me that nobody that I have known before my separation knows that I'm on hormones and that I'm beginning transition. Last night there was a free deadmau5 concert at the Livecity Yaletown site in Vancouver. I really wanted to go. But I had nobody to go with. I tried unsuccessfully to convince my ex to call in sick for work and come with me. I don't have anyone else to ask that might have gone.

I've fucking been home all day. I haven't fucking done anything today. I'm fucking lazy. I was outside of the house for about 20 minutes. Fuck. I've had three Maudite strong beer. Weekends would be harder without booze. I think getting through my program is what is keeping me alive. That's not enough. I need to find something else in life that is worth it.

I told my mom I'm atheist. Of course she was upset. But I stated that that issue is nowhere near the top of my list of important things in my life. Perhaps one day I will be able to tell my family and old friends about my plans for transition. I suppose it's sort of convenient that I don't have anything holding me down anywhere.

Goddamn life.

misc

Nothing super exciting to share - just a few random things.

On Friday I had a Professional-Development Day at my new practicum. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a day off school on which teachers go to workshops. I went to a French as a Second Language meeting for secondary FSL teachers in the district. (since I'm a student teacher, I must go to those as well) I made it through the morning without anybody saying anything, but right after lunch, a teacher asked how I felt "being the only guy there." I said, "um, no problem." Then she made a comment about all the estrogen in the room and I had to refrain from saying, "well, actually..."

Which brings me to the next item. I fucked up by not making an appointment with my endocrinologist early enough, so I made one today for Feb 15th. That's two weeks after my girl pills run out. I will get a blood test this Saturday so that he has the information when I see him three weeks later. But it's still annoying. I also hope to get on a much higher dose of estrogen. He believes in "ramping" up the estrogen, in an attempt to simulate puberty. However, after three months on .025 mg (daily) hasn't provided me with any noticeable physiological change. (This is Estradot 25, btw) So it would be nice to be taking something much stronger.

Right now, I'm in three Grade 9 classrooms. These kids are all around 14. It is funny to see them separated by gender. They had to do review for the final exam today. They were allowed to choose their own group to a maximum of four and in no class did a boy sit at the same table as a girl. This is probably the last year they will separate themselves like that.

I'm a bit concerned about transitioning and getting a job. I will be able to apply for jobs starting in September. (likely a job I could get as a rookie would be as a TOC, a.k.a teacher on call, substitute teacher, supply teacher.) I will not be full-time by then. So let's say I do that for six months or so. When I've gone full-time, I'll basically have to worry about the tolerance of many people, the school adminstrator being only one. My most important references at at that point will be from the "real" teacher I'm working with right now and from the woman from the University that will come to observe me. I'm not concerned with informing them in a year, "um, you may get some calls asking for __ ___ instead of ___ ___." But I'd still be relying on them to be cool with me.

Some more facial hair has entered the growth cycle in the last week. Obviously, I find it disgusting, but it is a good thing because that means it will be able to be killed at my laser appointment in mid February. Last appointment, I don't think there had been much growth.

I'm still pretty lonely. But being back at school and in a classroom means I at least get to see people. I don't like coming home. I don't like the weekends. The only thing to get excited about is my home theatre.

Two weeks ago I got drunk and bitched on Facebook about how my life sucked to someone in my program. Then I was embarrassed so I ignored her all week. Then I apologized for that. Sigh. This is the one I have that crush on. (yeah, it's harmless and I would never mention it; it's not gonna happen.)

third laser treatment

I had my third laser hair removal treatment today.

I don't think six weeks was enough to wait between treatments; I didn't have too much growth. Obviously there's no way to know for sure, but I scheduled my next one nine weeks from today.

My first two were with one technician, and this one was with another. The first tech was much more slower and methodical. She had me hold ice packs on my face before and after she did each section. She also frequently asked my pain level on a scale of 1-10. This second tech was more casual and friendly. She didn't offer any ice packs and she didn't ask about pain much, although she was impressed that I did not use EMLA. (I haven't tried it because I always take transit to downtown Vancouver; I hate driving there. I'd have to have the Saran wrap on my face for the entire trip.)

Pain was mostly a lot less than the last two times. I think most of it was that I didn't have to much growth. At this point, if I miss two or three days shaving, it isn't really noticeable. I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that I'm not the down side of a hair cycle, or if the laser hair treatment is particularily effective on me. I did show the technician a picture of me from two years ago when I had a beard, and she was impressed.
That was from about two years ago.(also, see how long my hair was then. If only it was that long now.) I was working nights, so I didn't need to be presentable. I'm guessing that's a couple months' worth of growth. Sorry, about pain. This time the part that hurt most was the upper lip, especially near the nose. The other times didn't hurt on the upper lip as much. This time left lots of those exploded little hairs under the surface of the skin, but only on the upper lip.

I'm really happy that the laser hair removal seems to be working well. My next treatment nine weeks from now is already paid for. If progress thus far is an indication of effectiveness, I'll probably only get one or two more treatments after the next one. Hopefully I will not have to do too much electrolysis; that's much more inconvenient. I also think it's a wise thing to do as much hair removal as possible before transitioning at work or school. Obviously electro would be tricky if I had to keep up appearances.

Speaking about keeping up appearances, I tried something after the last treatment. (not today's) I tried not shaving for a week to let my skin heal. I found that I had a lot less skin irritation and acne than I did after the first treatment, when I shaved after one day. Anyways, my professor who came to observe me when I was teaching gave me shit the next time I saw him. I had also not tucked in my shirt that day. (I was rather well dressed aside from that) And he gave me a lecture about shaving everyday and dressing better, saying that "oh yeah, khakis are cheap." Well I was dressed well, although it was true I had visible beard growth. This guy happens to be gay. (he has a husband) I am very glad I did not come out then and there. It would have been convenient to explain exactly why I hadn't shaven. But I'm glad I didn't; as I wrote in my last post, the LGB people aren't necessarily T friendly. This guy has power over me. He might have been cool with it, but who knows...?

I've been failing in my blog duties

Sorry for the long break. I could say that I've been busy, which is true, but I'm fairly lazy.

Last Tuesday I had my first full face laser treatment. I chose not to do anything for the pain during the procedure, aside for the ice numbing before each section is done. It hurts, there's no way around it. I think it's just one of those things that you suffer through, since the result is worth it. The technician said that I was very tolerant of the pain, but that my skin was sensitive. I stayed after my appointment to keep an ice pack on my face. Then I went to a drugstore to buy aloe vera gel. The pain after was very manageable, but the aloe did feel nice. There was some redness, but the swelling was confined to the under chin/jaw area. So it almost looked like I had a double chin. The tingling was gone the next day, but I've had lots of acne since. I haven't been shaving much, to let the zapped hairs get pushed out. That started to happen today.

Since I was a bit worried about pain, I did a little drinking before, but not enough to help. The real drinking started after I got out of the laser clinic. I had brought a mickey of vodka along. (a 375 mL bottle, or about 13 oz) I nearly finished that over the next five hours or so. This meant I was pretty drunk all evening, which may have been a poor choice. I met about half the people from my class at a theatre and we saw a play. Nobody mentioned my redness. I was pretty emotional before; for some reason I was crying while waiting for everybody to get there. I think I was very friendly to one of my colleagues, but I don't think it crossed the line into flirty. After, another colleague offered me the use of her couch, since it would have taken me an hour to get to my car and another hour to get home. (although obviously I wouldn't have driven drunk no matter what) This girl is a lesbian. I knew pretty much as soon as I met her. Since I had lowered inhibitions, I came out to her. She was supportive, but we haven't talked about it since. When I woke I was so disoriented. I basically didn't know where her apartment was beyond a general area. Somehow, my intuition was enough to lead me to a Skytrain station.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the endocrinologist. I got a prescription for estrogen, (patch form) progesterone(he asked me if I had an opinion about this, I didn't) and a real dose of spironolactone. Since my last therapist appointment, I had decided that there was little point in starting on spiro with no E. I asked the endo how long before the physical changes will be harder to hide. Unfortunately that is not predictable. I'm not going to commit to a timeline, but transition in April, August, or December 2010 are the dates on the table. It depends on physical and behavioural changes, as well as scheduling. It would be unwise to transition in the middle of my long practicum next year. I realise that when I apply for my first teaching jobs in 2011 that all the references will be in my current name, which means that I'll be outed to the administrator who is hiring as well as the school district. I can live with that. What I don't think I could live with is being a substitute teacher who doesn't pass. Teenagers can be quite cruel. The endo also ordered a blood test, which I got first thing this morning. (if you don't know, you have to fast beforehand) That was the first time in my life that I'd had blood taken. It was really easy. I barely felt the needle go in, and watched three vials fill without getting squeamish. The endo had put "F" on the blood request form. That's the first time I've seen my name associated with the "F". It was a nice feeling. But the "F" meant that the nurse at the lab asked me why it was there. Without saying anything I pointed to the comments line that said "MTF transsexual." She apologized, and I said it was no problem. I will have to get used to that kind of thing happening. I think I have a thick skin. (Yeah, I know, it's easy to say that now...)

As an aside, my mood has generally been good. I am happy to be in a high school, on a short practicum. But going to school makes appointments and stuff hard. Yesterday I had to leave early to go to the endo. Tuesday I have another laser appointment. Two weeks seems way too short of an interval. Perhaps they are just trying to get money. I will make the next one four weeks away. I've already paid for the next three since there was a sale on.

All for now!

Hair removal

Well, I am taking more steps on this journey!

I had a test patch for laser hair removal done on Tuesday. I also booked an appointment for next week. Some people reading this likely have certain questions that I may be able to answer.

Pain: Hell yes. It's often described as a rubber band being snapped on your skin. I'd describe it as a mix of that and being pricked by a pin, only a "sharper" pain. Now, pain is different to compare or explain, but I think I have a relatively high pain tolerance. In the first ten seconds after my leg lacerations I was more upset about the scars that will be red for at least a year or two than the pain. I watched closely as the ER doctor put the freezing needle in my skin parallel to my wounds. It didn't bother me at all. The laser pain was very "sharp", not the dull pain of pressing on a bruise. Each "zap" hurts for only a very short time. There was only one zap that made me breathe in. She did a patch sort of under my chin and another on the upper lip. Oddly enough, it hurt more under the chin than on the lip.

Redness: the reddish on my upper lip went away by the next day, but the patch under my chin is still red and rough-feeling five days later. I think it will be quite noticeable when I get my whole face done next week. (I am going to a play with my class two hours after my appointment!) There isn't much I can do about that. I suppose I will just have to be vague and not answer any questions about it.

I'm not sure what kind of reduction I should hope for.

Question: Is there anything I can do for the pain other than Emla cream? I will be on a bus for the hour or so before my appointment, so I don't want plastic wrap all over my face! Would a normal painkiller like ibuprofen do anything? Or how about a few shots of hard liquor? I know it won't be pleasant no matter what...

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I think that it may have been a mistake to stay living where I am now. I don't have as much of a connection here. I hardly have any friends; none that I see once a week or two. I don't like living in my old room, in the house I grew up in. I don't like imposing on my sister and brother-in-law. Last week I spent two nights sleeping elsewhere, for the sake of convenience.

If an opportunity arises, I may move in December. Otherwise, I still would like to move in May 2010.

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On Friday I did something "out of my comfort zone." I went to a party at one of my classmate's. Normally I don't like going to parties at which I don't know what will happen. What I mean by that is that I like to know who will be there and what events are planned. But I did go, and had lots of fun. We played Rock Band and later played a drinking game. I should make more of an effort to do things other than sit at home on the net or seeing movies alone.