On Friday night, my dad really wanted to watch a movie called "Bergman Island" with me. It's a documentary about Ingmar Bergman, who is the most famous Swedish film director. My dad had already seen it, and this was the second time he'd mentioned wanting to see it with me. Naturally, I was suspicious. My parents don't like to bring things up, and watching a movie would be the perfect excuse to discuss something. So I read those two links I posted, but didn't find anything other than that Bergman became an atheist at the age of eight. I couldn't find any info about a deathbed conversion.
If you haven't seen any Bergman films, one recurring theme is death, and the fear of it. I'd only seen one Bergman film, "Wild Strawberries" as well as clips from a few more of his films. (If you are interested, some of his films are available to rent at Videomatica, which is Vancouver's best rental store for foreign and indy films.)
Sure enough, at the end of the film, Ingmar shares a confession. Before, he believed dying was like a flame going out - essentially nothingness. But apparently since his fifth and last wife died, he can't imagine there not being an afterlife.
Of course after the movie was over my dad said that it was almost like a religious conversion. I said, no, that that doesn't fit any religion, that it seemed more like a spiritual experience. During my last therapy session, my therapist suggested standing up more for myself when it comes to talking with my family. This would be a part of it. So I completely disagreed with him on everything. I pointed out that Ingmar Bergman would go to hell because he doesn't believe in Jesus.
Then my dad brought something up that really surprised me. He actually remembered that right about now is when divorce is possible. I told him I was really impressed. I had assumed that nobody in my family would mention it.
Unsurprisingly, my dad did not mention why H got rid of me. He did imply (as have other family members) that H didn't keep her marital promise. When my family says something like that, I don't know how to react. I don't really want to defend H, but at the same time I want to say, "um you know why she dumped me, right?"
A bit more about family. My sister and brother-in-law were away for the long weekend until an hour ago. So we weren't able to have pizza night on Friday like always. My mom and dad came over instead. Somehow, saying grace got left out of the supper. I've noticed that's been happening more in the last couple months with my sister and brother-in-law, but this is the first time I've noticed it with my parents. Awesome. I wonder if it's about respect, or if they just feel awkward.
Being an atheist is a big part of me. I don't ever pretend not to be anymore.
---------------------
I'm scheduled for M-F day shift this week. That's really amazing. I think I mentioned before that I wanted summer to be over. That's still true, but on the other hand I'm scared to move out on my own. It's necessary, but it won't be easy.
I am more of a loner than lonely. Other than my parents coming over, I haven't seen anybody I know since Thursday morning at work. (that's three whole days) I've been more bored than lonely. Still, it would be nice to spend time with people. For example, I'd like to see Eclipse, but I'm sick of always seeing movies alone. But it would be a lot harder if I couldn't stand being alone.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I got served
A bailiff visited me this evening to bring me a "writ of summons" a.k.a. divorce papers.
If I'm reading everything correctly, I can file paperwork within seven days to fight it. I think if I do nothing the divorce will happen.
I'm surprisingly not too upset about it right now. I realise I'm totally not over H, but I'm at about 50% acceptance of the fact that it's over. But I still get upset. A couple days ago I was looking at my boxes of children's books and I unexpectedly found flash cards that I had made in 2007. This made me cry. H had helped me study for the final. This is also significant because it was my last semester in my BA and also when I discovered my trans nature. (before H knew about it)
I am pleased to be getting over her, but it isn't easy.
--------------
On an unrelated note, I wish summer were over. I'm looking forward to being able to move out in September. I'll be working as much as possible on the night shift to help make this happen. I didn't bother to book vacation this year - first time since 2003. Since I'm part time, I don't get paid vacations, I just get a lump sum in January.
If I'm reading everything correctly, I can file paperwork within seven days to fight it. I think if I do nothing the divorce will happen.
I'm surprisingly not too upset about it right now. I realise I'm totally not over H, but I'm at about 50% acceptance of the fact that it's over. But I still get upset. A couple days ago I was looking at my boxes of children's books and I unexpectedly found flash cards that I had made in 2007. This made me cry. H had helped me study for the final. This is also significant because it was my last semester in my BA and also when I discovered my trans nature. (before H knew about it)
I am pleased to be getting over her, but it isn't easy.
--------------
On an unrelated note, I wish summer were over. I'm looking forward to being able to move out in September. I'll be working as much as possible on the night shift to help make this happen. I didn't bother to book vacation this year - first time since 2003. Since I'm part time, I don't get paid vacations, I just get a lump sum in January.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
came out to a whole class
Yesterday morning, I came out to an entire class on the last day. This class was about diversity in education. If you aren't familiar with the world of education, diversity is a current buzzword. This class was disappointingly only about diversity of colour, (ethnicity, "race") although there was a tiny bit about linguistic minorities. (Yes, I complained about the lack of anything LGBT on the course evaluation - it's a huge area of diversity.)
We were doing a presentation about a certain conservative school board being afraid of gay curriculum. At the beginning we put up LGBTTQQI on the powerpoint and then asked how many people here know five or more people who identify as one or more of those things. I was surprised that about fifteen put their hands up. At the end of the presentation, I read something that I had prepared, basically about how if the whole class knows well over a hundred LGBTTQQI people, that these people are going to be in our classes when we teach, and that they are often a fairly invisible minority. Then I said I was an example of this, and that I was transgender. I was only out to the two other girls in my group. I was nervous, even though I expected a positive reaction. One of the girls in my group said she had just come out (she's gay) to her parents a year and a half ago, and if it was that hard for her, imagine how hard it is for a student with unsupportive parents. After the presentation a few people made a beeline for me to hug me.
I got home in the evening to drink the six-pack I had bought on the way. During my first beer, somebody else in the class who hadn't been there chatted with me on facebook and said I was courageous. One of the women in the class had told him during their afternoon class. This kind of news will spread quickly in our 40+ program group; only about 10 were in the class. During my second beer, I got a supportive email from that woman. That made me cry for 3/4 of an hour, because it's amazing and sad that people that I've known since September are more supportive than my family. Through the third through sixth beer I drunk-chatted on facebook with another woman from my class who is also supportive.
I feel relieved in a way. Now these people that I really like and have already started to miss know a bit more about me. I never really pretended to be a guy, but I like that I can pretend less and that they understand me more. For example, I never told anyone why I was separated.
My sister was talking to me today. It was actually sort of rude. I was in the kitchen on my laptop and she was in the living room on her back on the couch playing some game on her iPod touch. First she started by asking how therapy was last week. I'm always pretty hesitant to say much. Then, she seemed to be sort of asking where she could learn more about me and being trans. I suggested the Vancouver Coastal Health site, but she said it wasn't specific enough. She suggested seeing my therapist, but I obviously said that my therapist is not going to share stuff that I've told her. Now I'm trying to think how to help her. But I do think this demonstrates the fact that at least some members of my family are actually trying to deal with it now, which pleases me.
I just looked at my therapist's new website. It looks like she does offer family therapy. I'd have to think about suggesting that to my family.
We were doing a presentation about a certain conservative school board being afraid of gay curriculum. At the beginning we put up LGBTTQQI on the powerpoint and then asked how many people here know five or more people who identify as one or more of those things. I was surprised that about fifteen put their hands up. At the end of the presentation, I read something that I had prepared, basically about how if the whole class knows well over a hundred LGBTTQQI people, that these people are going to be in our classes when we teach, and that they are often a fairly invisible minority. Then I said I was an example of this, and that I was transgender. I was only out to the two other girls in my group. I was nervous, even though I expected a positive reaction. One of the girls in my group said she had just come out (she's gay) to her parents a year and a half ago, and if it was that hard for her, imagine how hard it is for a student with unsupportive parents. After the presentation a few people made a beeline for me to hug me.
I got home in the evening to drink the six-pack I had bought on the way. During my first beer, somebody else in the class who hadn't been there chatted with me on facebook and said I was courageous. One of the women in the class had told him during their afternoon class. This kind of news will spread quickly in our 40+ program group; only about 10 were in the class. During my second beer, I got a supportive email from that woman. That made me cry for 3/4 of an hour, because it's amazing and sad that people that I've known since September are more supportive than my family. Through the third through sixth beer I drunk-chatted on facebook with another woman from my class who is also supportive.
I feel relieved in a way. Now these people that I really like and have already started to miss know a bit more about me. I never really pretended to be a guy, but I like that I can pretend less and that they understand me more. For example, I never told anyone why I was separated.
My sister was talking to me today. It was actually sort of rude. I was in the kitchen on my laptop and she was in the living room on her back on the couch playing some game on her iPod touch. First she started by asking how therapy was last week. I'm always pretty hesitant to say much. Then, she seemed to be sort of asking where she could learn more about me and being trans. I suggested the Vancouver Coastal Health site, but she said it wasn't specific enough. She suggested seeing my therapist, but I obviously said that my therapist is not going to share stuff that I've told her. Now I'm trying to think how to help her. But I do think this demonstrates the fact that at least some members of my family are actually trying to deal with it now, which pleases me.
I just looked at my therapist's new website. It looks like she does offer family therapy. I'd have to think about suggesting that to my family.
Friday, June 18, 2010
why I should think about moving
Yesterday, I went with a friend to Shopper's Drug Mart. (one of the big drug stores in Canada) A couple weeks ago, I had closed the bank account that from the bank where we had our mortgage. I was slightly surprised that there was $300 in there. So I asked A if she would take me makeup shopping.
We spent $250. (there's still a few more things we forgot.) Unfortunately, we hadn't communicated well beforehand. She was under the impression that I would be too embarrassed to say it was for me, and I was under the impression that she would be too embarrassed. So when the beauty department ladies were helping, A asked what would work for her. She's fairer than I, with pinker skin. So they tried the foundation on her. But foundation really needs to match your skin tone. So she asked, "just for fun, what would work for him?" And then we had the right tone. (although they didn't have the right tone in powder - I'll have to get that later.)
Today A gave me a lesson. It seems tricky, but it's all practice. Right after I removed the makeup and put everything all back in the Shopper's bag, my sister walked in the door, home from work. Luckily, I thought fast and hid it with A's stuff.
There's only one bathroom here. I can't stay here for a while and then expect to instantly transition when I move out. I should really have my own place.
We spent $250. (there's still a few more things we forgot.) Unfortunately, we hadn't communicated well beforehand. She was under the impression that I would be too embarrassed to say it was for me, and I was under the impression that she would be too embarrassed. So when the beauty department ladies were helping, A asked what would work for her. She's fairer than I, with pinker skin. So they tried the foundation on her. But foundation really needs to match your skin tone. So she asked, "just for fun, what would work for him?" And then we had the right tone. (although they didn't have the right tone in powder - I'll have to get that later.)
Today A gave me a lesson. It seems tricky, but it's all practice. Right after I removed the makeup and put everything all back in the Shopper's bag, my sister walked in the door, home from work. Luckily, I thought fast and hid it with A's stuff.
There's only one bathroom here. I can't stay here for a while and then expect to instantly transition when I move out. I should really have my own place.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
ooops
My bad - it's been so long since I last updated.
Well, still developping. Constant soreness and occasional itchiness. Let's just say I won't be able to go topless this summer. My chest doesn't really pass as a male chest: the profile and shape is all different.
What I'm concerned about at the moment is where to live and where to work. There are so many variables to consider. It's frustrating. Right now I have a decent paying job (very high paying for a part time job) with benefits. I don't want to give that up. I also got hired in May in a certain Fraser Valley district. I was hired as a T.O.C., or subsitute teacher. There aren't actual positions; it's all just T.O.C.ing. The problem is that this district lies within what's known as the Bible Belt. I wouldn't want to transition there. This district tries to avoid teaching about the gays, so I'm sure having a tranny would be undesirable; I wouldn't get any work. Finally, I'd like to get out of this town. It's hard working with my ex. My family isn't very supportive. This town is also conservative. However, I only pay my sister $250 for rent. Can't beat that anywhere.
I'll be done the bulk of school in a couple weeks, although I'll only be a fully certified teacher in August. So basically, I really need to think about what is best. I have an appointment with my therapist next week which will be a good opportunity to discuss this stuff. Here's what I think are my options. (in no particular order)
1. Stay here. It's cheap. I could save up some money by working both jobs and paying little rent. However, I need to be preparing for transitioning, and living with someone who says she will be disgusted being in the same room with me when I transition is probably not helpful.
2. Move to the Fraser Valley town where I got hired. It isn't too far away. I could transfer stores. Rent isn't super-expensive. However, I think transitioning in that school district would be pointless.
3. Move to Metro Vancouver. I can transfer stores. However, it would be difficult to work in the Fraser Valley district due to distance. Getting another job as a T.O.C. is tricky; most districts are not hiring. Also, rent is much more expensive.
I can also decide to work only in the Fraser Valley district until I transition. Whether I start my teaching career there or not, I am concerned about getting hired after transition. Optimally, I'd get a job in a more tolerant school district (Vancouver would be awesome, but they are always having layoffs, so they are not hiring) during the summer and I wouldn't even have to start work in this other district. Continuity at one district makes names and references not matching up after transition a non-issue, in the same way that it won't be an issue at my other job.
Sigh. So many things to consider.
Well, still developping. Constant soreness and occasional itchiness. Let's just say I won't be able to go topless this summer. My chest doesn't really pass as a male chest: the profile and shape is all different.
What I'm concerned about at the moment is where to live and where to work. There are so many variables to consider. It's frustrating. Right now I have a decent paying job (very high paying for a part time job) with benefits. I don't want to give that up. I also got hired in May in a certain Fraser Valley district. I was hired as a T.O.C., or subsitute teacher. There aren't actual positions; it's all just T.O.C.ing. The problem is that this district lies within what's known as the Bible Belt. I wouldn't want to transition there. This district tries to avoid teaching about the gays, so I'm sure having a tranny would be undesirable; I wouldn't get any work. Finally, I'd like to get out of this town. It's hard working with my ex. My family isn't very supportive. This town is also conservative. However, I only pay my sister $250 for rent. Can't beat that anywhere.
I'll be done the bulk of school in a couple weeks, although I'll only be a fully certified teacher in August. So basically, I really need to think about what is best. I have an appointment with my therapist next week which will be a good opportunity to discuss this stuff. Here's what I think are my options. (in no particular order)
1. Stay here. It's cheap. I could save up some money by working both jobs and paying little rent. However, I need to be preparing for transitioning, and living with someone who says she will be disgusted being in the same room with me when I transition is probably not helpful.
2. Move to the Fraser Valley town where I got hired. It isn't too far away. I could transfer stores. Rent isn't super-expensive. However, I think transitioning in that school district would be pointless.
3. Move to Metro Vancouver. I can transfer stores. However, it would be difficult to work in the Fraser Valley district due to distance. Getting another job as a T.O.C. is tricky; most districts are not hiring. Also, rent is much more expensive.
I can also decide to work only in the Fraser Valley district until I transition. Whether I start my teaching career there or not, I am concerned about getting hired after transition. Optimally, I'd get a job in a more tolerant school district (Vancouver would be awesome, but they are always having layoffs, so they are not hiring) during the summer and I wouldn't even have to start work in this other district. Continuity at one district makes names and references not matching up after transition a non-issue, in the same way that it won't be an issue at my other job.
Sigh. So many things to consider.
Monday, May 3, 2010
ooh, physiological changes!
Well, like the title says, I've started to notice physiological changes.
My endocrinologist believes in moving up dosages gradually. I'm taking Estradot 37.5 right now; I started with Estradot 25 almost six months ago. Estradot 50 will be next.
Anyways, a couple weeks ago I noticed my left nipple was sore. It sort of felt like a bruise. Since then, it's become something that I can feel under the surface. It's a breast bud! Right one just feels a tiny bit sore so far.
Also, I just noticed in the shower today that I don't seem to have dark hair around my nipples anymore. I didn't need to shave my chest at all!
So it's great that hormones are starting their effects. Hopefully even though I'm almost thirty they'll have the effect they would on a younger body. I did develop relatively late. (pubic hair at 15, for example)
And hopefully the timing of everything works too.
My endocrinologist believes in moving up dosages gradually. I'm taking Estradot 37.5 right now; I started with Estradot 25 almost six months ago. Estradot 50 will be next.
Anyways, a couple weeks ago I noticed my left nipple was sore. It sort of felt like a bruise. Since then, it's become something that I can feel under the surface. It's a breast bud! Right one just feels a tiny bit sore so far.
Also, I just noticed in the shower today that I don't seem to have dark hair around my nipples anymore. I didn't need to shave my chest at all!
So it's great that hormones are starting their effects. Hopefully even though I'm almost thirty they'll have the effect they would on a younger body. I did develop relatively late. (pubic hair at 15, for example)
And hopefully the timing of everything works too.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Why I'm awesome
It's funny. Life has never been so complicated, but my self-esteem has never been this high. Why? Could be because I'm actually dealing with stuff instead of just ignoring it. Could be the hormones. Anyways...
I've mentioned before that I'm awesome. In no order, probably leaving stuff out:
- I can deal with a large amount of shit at once, more than the average person.
- I don't really get stressed out.
- I can fix a wide variety of things.
- I have good spelling.
- I can get along with anybody if I want to.
- I am good at board games.
- I am much more athletic and coordinated than I should be for somebody who has a sedentary lifestyle.
- I eat unhealthily but don't put on weight. Somehow I lost 20 lbs last year without trying.
- I have thick skin.
- I'm smart.
- I can usually learn something new fairly quickly.
- I'm strong.
- I have a higher than average pain tolerance.
- I don't panic in emergency-type situations.
- I can be organised in some situations.
There are probably more that I can't think of at the moment. Next time I'll do a flaws list. I wonder if that one will be shorter.
I've mentioned before that I'm awesome. In no order, probably leaving stuff out:
- I can deal with a large amount of shit at once, more than the average person.
- I don't really get stressed out.
- I can fix a wide variety of things.
- I have good spelling.
- I can get along with anybody if I want to.
- I am good at board games.
- I am much more athletic and coordinated than I should be for somebody who has a sedentary lifestyle.
- I eat unhealthily but don't put on weight. Somehow I lost 20 lbs last year without trying.
- I have thick skin.
- I'm smart.
- I can usually learn something new fairly quickly.
- I'm strong.
- I have a higher than average pain tolerance.
- I don't panic in emergency-type situations.
- I can be organised in some situations.
There are probably more that I can't think of at the moment. Next time I'll do a flaws list. I wonder if that one will be shorter.
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