So my wife and I have these new friends, two boys in their late teens. One of them, is "flaming". By that, I mean he "acts gay", likes things liked by gay men, etc.
I know what you're thinking: "Marie, you're gender variant, what the hell gives you the right to label somebody as gay, or to decide that certain behaviours are "gayer" than others?"
You're right, of course. But certain things identify many gay people. My wife has a gay friend who came out soon after I met her. She and her friends were all shocked when he came out. But he had lots of stereotypical mannerisms, etc. He also tried to hide it by saying homophobic remarks. But he's out and has had boyfriends since.
So this flaming boy likes musicals, the movie Hairspray, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also talks in a higher pitched voice.(I wish mine were that high!) He has had girlfriends back home.
So his friend told us that the flaming friend had cross-dressed as a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show for his 15th birthday!! That's just amazing that somebody that young would risk being made fun of by his peers.
I don't know why this guy just can't admit it; he's probably gay.
The point of this rambling is that after telling the 15th birthday cross-dressing story, one of them asked me(in front of my wife) if I had ever cross-dressed. Luckily I was able to deflect it somehow, since I would have had to lie and I'm an unconvincing liar.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Comments enabled
Ok, I figured out how to allow for anonymous comments in the blog settings
I know I would be much less likely to comment on something if I had to reveal myself.
---------------
Ok, well I told my wife that I was unsure that I wanted to become a teacher. Surprisingly enough, she didn't freak out; I was pleasantly surprised.
Next über-personal thing that I tell her ought to be that I'm going to seek a therapist. I'll announce that when it happens... :P
I think I'll just pick up the phone book or something. Yes, I am about about the Vancouver Coastal Health's trans programs and stuff and the Three Bridges thing. But I'd want a therapist closer to where I live. (Also, I think the free therapist there is like only available every second Tuesday or something like that.)
On that note, can somebody give a ballpark figure for cost per session? (I'm sure that there can be a great deal of variation, but I'd like to know a guess.)
I've just noticed that all I write in this blog is rambling and barely coherent. Sorry.
I know I would be much less likely to comment on something if I had to reveal myself.
---------------
Ok, well I told my wife that I was unsure that I wanted to become a teacher. Surprisingly enough, she didn't freak out; I was pleasantly surprised.
Next über-personal thing that I tell her ought to be that I'm going to seek a therapist. I'll announce that when it happens... :P
I think I'll just pick up the phone book or something. Yes, I am about about the Vancouver Coastal Health's trans programs and stuff and the Three Bridges thing. But I'd want a therapist closer to where I live. (Also, I think the free therapist there is like only available every second Tuesday or something like that.)
On that note, can somebody give a ballpark figure for cost per session? (I'm sure that there can be a great deal of variation, but I'd like to know a guess.)
I've just noticed that all I write in this blog is rambling and barely coherent. Sorry.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
kill me now
Jesus fucking Christ I'm sick of my life.
Nothing is going right and I don't know "what I want to do with my life."
A year ago, I told my doctor that I thought I was trans. I never ending up starting therapy, mostly because of my fears. (Oh, and I'm fucking lazy, too)
So nothing has come of that.
A year ago, I finished a university degree. It doesn't seem like I'm any closer to getting into a teaching program.
Plus, now I'm beginning to feel that maybe I don't want to be a teacher. Goddamn it, life is complicated.
I still feel just as trans, if that's what that is. Fuck. How am I supposed to know anything?
I never used to understand what the point of a suicide attempt was. I mean, if you want to die, just kill yourself already, instead of a half-hearted attempt. I'm talking about methods that are less likely to be successful, like cutting on wrists, swallowing a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, etc. Why not do something irreversible if you really want to die? Like hang yourself or jump off a tall building?
But people say that those kinds of suicide attempts are a cry for help. And now I understand that that's what it is, even if the attemptee doesn't know that. I think that people would do that because they want some help. See, if somebody wants help/attention, if they ask for it, they won't be taken seriously, or they worry that they won't be. But it's harder to ignore hospitalisation.
To anyone reading this: please don't worry. I haven't killed myself yet and I've had suicidal thoughts for at least ten years. So don't try to track down my IP or anything. I'd appreciate suggestions instead, or comments.
ok, gtg
Nothing is going right and I don't know "what I want to do with my life."
A year ago, I told my doctor that I thought I was trans. I never ending up starting therapy, mostly because of my fears. (Oh, and I'm fucking lazy, too)
So nothing has come of that.
A year ago, I finished a university degree. It doesn't seem like I'm any closer to getting into a teaching program.
Plus, now I'm beginning to feel that maybe I don't want to be a teacher. Goddamn it, life is complicated.
I still feel just as trans, if that's what that is. Fuck. How am I supposed to know anything?
I never used to understand what the point of a suicide attempt was. I mean, if you want to die, just kill yourself already, instead of a half-hearted attempt. I'm talking about methods that are less likely to be successful, like cutting on wrists, swallowing a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, etc. Why not do something irreversible if you really want to die? Like hang yourself or jump off a tall building?
But people say that those kinds of suicide attempts are a cry for help. And now I understand that that's what it is, even if the attemptee doesn't know that. I think that people would do that because they want some help. See, if somebody wants help/attention, if they ask for it, they won't be taken seriously, or they worry that they won't be. But it's harder to ignore hospitalisation.
To anyone reading this: please don't worry. I haven't killed myself yet and I've had suicidal thoughts for at least ten years. So don't try to track down my IP or anything. I'd appreciate suggestions instead, or comments.
ok, gtg
Monday, November 3, 2008
Misc thoughts
So I read Suzanne's entire blog last night. Actually it was technically this morning.
Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.
I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.
I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.
More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.
Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.
Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.
Masculinity vs. Femininity
I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.
I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.
I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.
Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.
This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.
Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.
I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.
I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.
More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.
Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.
Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.
Masculinity vs. Femininity
I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.
I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.
I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.
Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.
This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
update
Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Sorry. I occasionally think of doing so, yet end up not doing it.
No, I'm not doing any therapy. Why not? I should be. The excuse that I'm giving myself is that I don't want to create marital debate about my "problem." Is it a valid concern? I'm not sure, but I certainly can't go to therapy without my wife knowing about it; we generally know what the other is doing. I'd have to somehow arrange therapy without giving out our telephone number, then tell her that I was going. I'm afraid that she'd be really upset.
Is the above cowardly? Probably. I do not like confrontation. Is it just an excuse to avoid doing anything productive or "useful" about my feelings? I don't know.
My feelings have evolved somewhat, I guess. I haven't read any trans-related blogs or websites for months. Generally most of them are written or intended for people who are transitioning, or planning on it.
lazy point form stuff:
-my facial hair disgusts me, even more than it did before. I shave it along with my chest, armpits, groin, and legs in the the shower. I'd exchange my two-year old car for the quarter century old car I used to own to get it removed. Obviously, selling my car would easily pay for complete facial hair removal. My wife thinks that stubble is sexy, so it wouldn't go over well.
-I feel most sexy putting on pants on legs that have just been shaved and moisturised.
-I still think about it while entering a gendered washroom.
-I'm used to avoiding referring to myself in a gendered way. I don't really have to think about it much. It's really easy for me to say "I'm a ____ kind of person" in a circumstance when I could have said, "I'm a ____ kind of guy." I hardly ever slip up.
-I'm still attracted mostly to women.
There are some changes, though. Instead of just being jealous of cute twenty-something girls, I'm occasionally jealous of less attractive women. A couple months ago, I was very far away from home on vacation, far from anybody that I knew. I was walking in a downtown, and I saw a woman greet a couple that she obviously knew. She was in her forties or fifties, too skinny, and with grey stringy hair. And I was jealous, because she was a woman.
I have to consider the possibility that transition is not for me. I don't want to end up a transwoman with a penis that can't pass, split up from my spouse, and with friends and family that won't talk to me. That concerns me. Yet I'm not comfortable as I am. I'm still not sure what I should do.
Sigh.
No, I'm not doing any therapy. Why not? I should be. The excuse that I'm giving myself is that I don't want to create marital debate about my "problem." Is it a valid concern? I'm not sure, but I certainly can't go to therapy without my wife knowing about it; we generally know what the other is doing. I'd have to somehow arrange therapy without giving out our telephone number, then tell her that I was going. I'm afraid that she'd be really upset.
Is the above cowardly? Probably. I do not like confrontation. Is it just an excuse to avoid doing anything productive or "useful" about my feelings? I don't know.
My feelings have evolved somewhat, I guess. I haven't read any trans-related blogs or websites for months. Generally most of them are written or intended for people who are transitioning, or planning on it.
lazy point form stuff:
-my facial hair disgusts me, even more than it did before. I shave it along with my chest, armpits, groin, and legs in the the shower. I'd exchange my two-year old car for the quarter century old car I used to own to get it removed. Obviously, selling my car would easily pay for complete facial hair removal. My wife thinks that stubble is sexy, so it wouldn't go over well.
-I feel most sexy putting on pants on legs that have just been shaved and moisturised.
-I still think about it while entering a gendered washroom.
-I'm used to avoiding referring to myself in a gendered way. I don't really have to think about it much. It's really easy for me to say "I'm a ____ kind of person" in a circumstance when I could have said, "I'm a ____ kind of guy." I hardly ever slip up.
-I'm still attracted mostly to women.
There are some changes, though. Instead of just being jealous of cute twenty-something girls, I'm occasionally jealous of less attractive women. A couple months ago, I was very far away from home on vacation, far from anybody that I knew. I was walking in a downtown, and I saw a woman greet a couple that she obviously knew. She was in her forties or fifties, too skinny, and with grey stringy hair. And I was jealous, because she was a woman.
I have to consider the possibility that transition is not for me. I don't want to end up a transwoman with a penis that can't pass, split up from my spouse, and with friends and family that won't talk to me. That concerns me. Yet I'm not comfortable as I am. I'm still not sure what I should do.
Sigh.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
What if?
Actually, that's the only Creed song that I like.
Sorry, very lame joke. I'm not a funny person.
This is something that's been bothering me. What if my trans feelings neither diminish nor grow? As it stands now, I can't honestly say that I'm 100% convinced that I have GID. Yet I haven't noticed my feelings become less conscious.
I don't want to be in this middle place. It has not yet become unbearable because I know that I'm still early in this "process." I don't think I can feel like this for the rest of my life.
My sex drive is still bothering and annoying me. I feel silly for pawing at my wife all the time, yet I'm driven to do so. After each time we have sex (down to once every one or two weeks) I swear to myself that I will not try to iniate. I fail miserably after two or three days. I have noticed that I've become the "cuddly" one in the relationship. Yet we can't cuddle or make out for long before Mr pokey makes his presence know. I wish I could control that. Spiro would help, but I couldn't get a prescription for unwanted sex-drive.
Since I appear to be on the theme of what's bothering me: I still don't like be referred to using a male word. It has become natural to avoid referring to myself that way. Yet my wife doesn't avoid it. I hate it when she tells our dog to "go see daddy." I hate it when she says that I'm a "good hubby." I think we're going to have to have a talk sometime. I've been pretty much avoiding one for a while.
Sorry, very lame joke. I'm not a funny person.
This is something that's been bothering me. What if my trans feelings neither diminish nor grow? As it stands now, I can't honestly say that I'm 100% convinced that I have GID. Yet I haven't noticed my feelings become less conscious.
I don't want to be in this middle place. It has not yet become unbearable because I know that I'm still early in this "process." I don't think I can feel like this for the rest of my life.
My sex drive is still bothering and annoying me. I feel silly for pawing at my wife all the time, yet I'm driven to do so. After each time we have sex (down to once every one or two weeks) I swear to myself that I will not try to iniate. I fail miserably after two or three days. I have noticed that I've become the "cuddly" one in the relationship. Yet we can't cuddle or make out for long before Mr pokey makes his presence know. I wish I could control that. Spiro would help, but I couldn't get a prescription for unwanted sex-drive.
Since I appear to be on the theme of what's bothering me: I still don't like be referred to using a male word. It has become natural to avoid referring to myself that way. Yet my wife doesn't avoid it. I hate it when she tells our dog to "go see daddy." I hate it when she says that I'm a "good hubby." I think we're going to have to have a talk sometime. I've been pretty much avoiding one for a while.
Clothes make the...
"When we are trying to reach the woman inside, sometimes clothes are her lifeline. But once we finally connect, the clothes are no longer necessary for her to feel alive." This is a quote from Diane Wilson's page, which is recommended, by the way.
I don't dress en femme anymore. I haven't since January when my wife came home from work two hours early with her dad on their way to coffee. I had literally just finished putting everything away and getting re-dressed in "normal" clothes for me. That was the day before I came out to her.
Why don't I dress anymore? Fear of getting caught is part of it. Another part of it is that when I do it, I just feel silly. I don't feel feminine, or "whole." I certainly don't get aroused. (Apparently that is a major reason for heterosexual men to cross-dress)
However, I am "drawn" to women's clothing. This is a new thing, starting only after I discovered my previously unconscious trans feelings. Instead of thinking or saying "those pants make her ass look nice," or commenting on aesthetics when asked by my wife, I wish I could wear them, or I think about a particular piece in a way that relates to me. i.e. would I wear it. My wife looked at the Mountain Equipment Co-op catalogue and laughed at the women's cycling skirts. I didn't tell her that I liked them. I'm also jealous of those that can wear women's clothing. Yes, I mean women.
What does any of this mean? I'm not sure. Reading other blogs and stuff on the Internet, I don't usually identify very well with the authors. I can't say that "I knew when I was five." I don't think to myself, "I'm a woman." Instead, the way I think aboout myself is more along the lines of "I'm confused."
I don't dress en femme anymore. I haven't since January when my wife came home from work two hours early with her dad on their way to coffee. I had literally just finished putting everything away and getting re-dressed in "normal" clothes for me. That was the day before I came out to her.
Why don't I dress anymore? Fear of getting caught is part of it. Another part of it is that when I do it, I just feel silly. I don't feel feminine, or "whole." I certainly don't get aroused. (Apparently that is a major reason for heterosexual men to cross-dress)
However, I am "drawn" to women's clothing. This is a new thing, starting only after I discovered my previously unconscious trans feelings. Instead of thinking or saying "those pants make her ass look nice," or commenting on aesthetics when asked by my wife, I wish I could wear them, or I think about a particular piece in a way that relates to me. i.e. would I wear it. My wife looked at the Mountain Equipment Co-op catalogue and laughed at the women's cycling skirts. I didn't tell her that I liked them. I'm also jealous of those that can wear women's clothing. Yes, I mean women.
What does any of this mean? I'm not sure. Reading other blogs and stuff on the Internet, I don't usually identify very well with the authors. I can't say that "I knew when I was five." I don't think to myself, "I'm a woman." Instead, the way I think aboout myself is more along the lines of "I'm confused."
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