I just finished my practicum semester of my teaching program. I'm very pleased. I've only got one semester left now. I will be applying to school districts next week.
I hope I can get hired in a district on the correct side of the Port Mann. I could more easily get hired in certain other districts that are growing, but then they would be less "accommodating" and supportive of me when I transition.
So really, it's less important for me to get a full-time teaching job than being in a better school district. I will be keeping my job at the grocery store(I can transfer to another one) because I get paid well and I get benefits, which I won't as a teacher on call.
I am out to my Faculty Associate at the university. She's completely cool with it. She is going to find out how it will work with me changing my name. After all, my references and evaluations all have my current name.
Speaking of names, I had to renew my driver's licence recently. I knew that BC had changed the style of licences, but I had never seen one. Not only are you not allowed to smile, but the picture is in black and white and fuzzy. But the worst part is that the gender marker is now on the front.
My plans are to completely restart almost everything. I want to get a subsitute teacher position perhaps in Burnaby or New West. I plan to move for September of this year if I get a job. Moving would be necessary working as a sub since I wouldn't be able to make it to the school on time after getting called since I live so far away. I will transfer stores which will also make it easier to actually be at work. Right now it is hard. I will start practicing make-up, voice etc. I don't feel safe here doing that. I am not sure when I would start RLE, perhaps over Xmas break.
For some reason I am optimistic even though I know it will be hard. I'm usually the pessimist type. But hey, it's hard now.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
an interesting question
I had coffee with H, my ex last night.
She wondered whether I was transitioning in order to make our separation have meaning.
I said I didn't know. I think that's a part of it. When I moved out, that's when my mindset changed. I remember feeling that "now I can do something about my GD instead of repressing it." But I don't think that would be a good enough reason to transition. I'll have to think about this; I'll bring it up when I go to therapy next.
I do know that I don't like living in a world where somebody that's been with you for six years can leave you one week after meeting someone new. That fucking hurts.
I bought Lady Gaga tickets this week they day they went on sale. H wants to go along. I'll take her. When I bought the two tickets I knew it was a big risk. After all, it would be easy to find somebody that would want to see Lady Gaga. Finding somebody that wants to go with me and I with them is another matter. H is still good company.
Which brings me to my last point about her. I'm not really sure why she wants to remain friends. I can't see how I can be good company if I'm always on the verge of tears when we're talking. I think I'll ask her at work today. I'm thinking it might be pity (she knows I have zero close friends) or maybe even a little guilt.
Finally, now that my entire family seems to know all about me (atheism, depression, transition) I don't seem to feel relieved or anything. I was expecting that it might be easier but it isn't. I don't really care that they know. They aren't supportive at all. At least I know not to count on anybody except myself. That's both depressing and empowering at the same time.
It's my birthday this week. :( What I'd really want is to somebody to plan something for me, but I know that isn't going to happen. (H didn't even mention it; I assumed she wanted to have coffee to give me a card or something.) I'm pretty much planning the only party I will have. I already had to decide what I wanted for supper and for dessert, as well as the present my parents are giving me. Now I have to decide what sushi that my parents should order for my birthday meal. This is one of the things that is supposed to be about me but that I'm really doing for everybody else. I know I can keep it together for the party though.
I'm not sure why my mom chose to tell me that my entire immediate family is getting therapy because of me. Perhaps this is why I never told my family anything voluntarily; now I feel like an asshole for making it hard on everyone. I think that's unfair, really. I'm the one going through shit, not them.
She wondered whether I was transitioning in order to make our separation have meaning.
I said I didn't know. I think that's a part of it. When I moved out, that's when my mindset changed. I remember feeling that "now I can do something about my GD instead of repressing it." But I don't think that would be a good enough reason to transition. I'll have to think about this; I'll bring it up when I go to therapy next.
I do know that I don't like living in a world where somebody that's been with you for six years can leave you one week after meeting someone new. That fucking hurts.
I bought Lady Gaga tickets this week they day they went on sale. H wants to go along. I'll take her. When I bought the two tickets I knew it was a big risk. After all, it would be easy to find somebody that would want to see Lady Gaga. Finding somebody that wants to go with me and I with them is another matter. H is still good company.
Which brings me to my last point about her. I'm not really sure why she wants to remain friends. I can't see how I can be good company if I'm always on the verge of tears when we're talking. I think I'll ask her at work today. I'm thinking it might be pity (she knows I have zero close friends) or maybe even a little guilt.
Finally, now that my entire family seems to know all about me (atheism, depression, transition) I don't seem to feel relieved or anything. I was expecting that it might be easier but it isn't. I don't really care that they know. They aren't supportive at all. At least I know not to count on anybody except myself. That's both depressing and empowering at the same time.
It's my birthday this week. :( What I'd really want is to somebody to plan something for me, but I know that isn't going to happen. (H didn't even mention it; I assumed she wanted to have coffee to give me a card or something.) I'm pretty much planning the only party I will have. I already had to decide what I wanted for supper and for dessert, as well as the present my parents are giving me. Now I have to decide what sushi that my parents should order for my birthday meal. This is one of the things that is supposed to be about me but that I'm really doing for everybody else. I know I can keep it together for the party though.
I'm not sure why my mom chose to tell me that my entire immediate family is getting therapy because of me. Perhaps this is why I never told my family anything voluntarily; now I feel like an asshole for making it hard on everyone. I think that's unfair, really. I'm the one going through shit, not them.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
mourning
I am doing better! It was mostly just feeling depressed and suicidal from about Thursday to Tuesday including last weekend.
Consensus seems to be that I am finally starting the grieving process about my separation. Clearly, I avoided dealing with it until now. I obviously was hoping that it wasn't real; that we'd get back together. Now I see that's unlikely. :(
On Thursday I spent about eight hours with my dad. We went for a long drive - about 600 km round trip. We talked about most things. He asked lots of questions. Some of it was about my marriage breakup and some was about my GD. We aren't close in the sense that we rarely talk about anything personal. That experience didn't really make me feel any closer, it was more like an interrogation. I was a little shocked after I told him that I had just been more suicidal than I'd ever been in my life. He did not react to that at all, not even to say, "that's too bad." Talking about my GD, we didn't find any common ground on any point. He asked me about "aggressive homosexuals." I assumed he meant gays that are "out and proud," but he really seemed to believe in gay recruitment! He compared it to people who try to get other people to behave or think in a particular way in order to "normalise" their own behaviour or opinions. And he also said that as a society deteriorates that more things become acceptable. I tried to point out that that's not necessarily bad; mixed-race marriages were frowned upon very recently. He also claimed that repression wasn't harmful!
Then he asked why separation from my wife was when I felt I could start moving toward transition. This is where we reached an impass. I couldn't get the point across that you take your spouse in consideration when you make decisions in a bigger way than your family. He seemed to think I was saying that family love is somehow worth less than spouse love. But what I mean is that your spouse is indeed much more important when you make decisions. I would never have considered moving out of town away from my wife, for example. Yet right now, when I'm thinking about where I want to move to, my family plays a much smaller role in the decision. A married person would not always confer with family when buying a car, but would always make a joint decision involving the spouse. A person's decisions have a greater effect on their spouse than on their family. So we stopped talking about it before I could explain.
I went to therapy yesterday. It was useful. I don't think I should wait multiple months before the next visit.
I'm gonna be ok, it's just gonna take time.
Consensus seems to be that I am finally starting the grieving process about my separation. Clearly, I avoided dealing with it until now. I obviously was hoping that it wasn't real; that we'd get back together. Now I see that's unlikely. :(
On Thursday I spent about eight hours with my dad. We went for a long drive - about 600 km round trip. We talked about most things. He asked lots of questions. Some of it was about my marriage breakup and some was about my GD. We aren't close in the sense that we rarely talk about anything personal. That experience didn't really make me feel any closer, it was more like an interrogation. I was a little shocked after I told him that I had just been more suicidal than I'd ever been in my life. He did not react to that at all, not even to say, "that's too bad." Talking about my GD, we didn't find any common ground on any point. He asked me about "aggressive homosexuals." I assumed he meant gays that are "out and proud," but he really seemed to believe in gay recruitment! He compared it to people who try to get other people to behave or think in a particular way in order to "normalise" their own behaviour or opinions. And he also said that as a society deteriorates that more things become acceptable. I tried to point out that that's not necessarily bad; mixed-race marriages were frowned upon very recently. He also claimed that repression wasn't harmful!
Then he asked why separation from my wife was when I felt I could start moving toward transition. This is where we reached an impass. I couldn't get the point across that you take your spouse in consideration when you make decisions in a bigger way than your family. He seemed to think I was saying that family love is somehow worth less than spouse love. But what I mean is that your spouse is indeed much more important when you make decisions. I would never have considered moving out of town away from my wife, for example. Yet right now, when I'm thinking about where I want to move to, my family plays a much smaller role in the decision. A married person would not always confer with family when buying a car, but would always make a joint decision involving the spouse. A person's decisions have a greater effect on their spouse than on their family. So we stopped talking about it before I could explain.
I went to therapy yesterday. It was useful. I don't think I should wait multiple months before the next visit.
I'm gonna be ok, it's just gonna take time.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Not doing so well
Things have been rough for the past few days. I have never had such intense suicidal ideation. I have had plenty of suicidal ideation, but not like this. Usually, when I'm having it, suicide seems like an option, something I can do later. When I've felt suicidal during the past few days, suicide seems more like an immediate solution. I'm not feeling suicidal at this very moment, but when I do during this period I feel like it's something to do right away, as if I should take my laptop, drive somewhere, write a note, and slice my throat open.
The trigger was hanging out with my ex on Thursday. We went to a shopping mall called Coquitlam Centre, where she'd never been and where there's a store I knew she'd like. I've mentioned in the past how I didn't really have any friends to hang out with or talk to. H. is the exception; she doesn't seem to mind my company. When she dumped me last year she said that she still wanted to be friends and that she would be there for me. (meaning through transition) At the time, I just thought it was some bullshit you say when breaking up. But she meant it. I ending up telling her that I was on hormones and that I'd had some laser hair removal treatments. I also told her that I was upset and lonely that I didn't have any friends. But what really bothered me is her life. She's moved in with her boyfriend and renting out her (our old) house. She's thinking about trying for a baby in a year. After the mall, we went out for sushi with some work people. But there was some time to kill, so we went to her place to watch a bit of the closing ceremony and so I could say hi to the dogs. Well, I didn't make the connection that it would be at her new place until we got there. And then I cried when I was playing with her dog.
So basically her life is pretty good, except for her mom and cat dying last fall. I've suddenly realised that I miss her so incredibly much. I miss having someone to go home to. I miss having somebody that's there for me. I miss having someone that wants to cuddle with me. I miss having my best friend. I miss somebody that likes to spend time with me, either hanging out or doing something.
It suddenly hit me that she's not coming back. It hasn't bothered me much until now. But now, I'm incredibly unhappy about it. I've spent so much time crying. In a moment of weakness or whatever, I actually prayed last night, something I haven't done in years. On Sunday, as soon as I walked into work, H. saw me. She instantly knew that something was wrong, so she made me talk to her. I said that I wished I had died during that time in 2007 when I drank a lot after work and she came home to find me lying in bed in my own vomit. And then later she cornered me at work and I mentioned that I was suicidal. So she facebooked my sister, who was waiting to talk to me when I got home from work. She was worried, and I told her everything. I even came out as atheist.
I don't know how to get past this feeling of "my life sucks," especially since I really believe it. At the same time, there are two reasons for hope in my life. One is that I'm well on the way to becoming a teacher and the other is that I'm making progress toward transitioning. But I feel that everything else is shitty. I feel like a loser living in my old room in the basement, imposing on my sister and her new husband. I feel fucking lonely, with no good friends.
On the friend front, yesterday after supper I decided to go see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. So I looked up showtimes and then thought, "hey, I might as well try to find somebody to go with." I went on Facebook and asked my male friend to go. He wrote, "no thanks, I think I going to stay home tonight." Last week I tried to do something with him twice but he didn't want to. This guy has always had "a hard day at work," or some other reason to not do anything. We're not close, but this is somebody that I've known for over ten years. So I went to the movie alone, but it was sold out anyways. The only other people that are local are my married friends. They have a two year-old, so it's very limiting what we do together. Basically I go over once every two weeks and we play a game. I feel closer to the wife, like I could talk to her, (she's a good listener and is sympathetic) but I don't see her alone. Then I have my new friends from my program. Since the program started, I made the decision to try to attend every social event I could with anyone from the program. The last event was watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I've never watched any opening ceremonies; I only went because of the social factor. But these social things are infrequent, and they are usually alcohol-based. I wish that I could just call up one of these people to hang out. But I've heard the guy who usually hosts the parties say homophobic remarks, so he's probably not a person I'd want to share things with. The girl I have a crush on does know that I'm fucked up and lonely. But if I facebook her and suggest hanging out, she will see that as me trying to initiate a romantic relationship.
Things are depressing on the friend front. When I was spilling my guts to my sister, she said, "I don't know how people meet except at church." Obviously, I won't be going to church anytime soon. I'm not going to start going to bars to meet people.
I have to make a decision about where I want to work. I would be able to get a substitute teacher job in several school districts. I'm having a hard time deciding which one(s) to apply for. I'm guaranteed a substitute teacher job in the school district I'm doing my practicum; they've already inquired as to when my practicum is over. But it's outside of Metro Vancouver, as am I at the moment. People are noticeably more conservative/church-going. I don't know if I want to stay living here. But if I get hired and move to say, Surrey or Coquitlam, then I won't have any immediate family in the same town. I worry that I'll just be sitting depressed in an apartment, doing nothing. If I don't do things regularily with my new friends, there's no reason to thing that would change just because I move to Metro Vancouver. I'll be applying for jobs in three weeks, so this is something I really need to think about.
I did leave a message for my psychologist yesterday; I clearly need an appointment. I should not have let shit get so bad before seeing her.
Somehow I need to get hope back.
The trigger was hanging out with my ex on Thursday. We went to a shopping mall called Coquitlam Centre, where she'd never been and where there's a store I knew she'd like. I've mentioned in the past how I didn't really have any friends to hang out with or talk to. H. is the exception; she doesn't seem to mind my company. When she dumped me last year she said that she still wanted to be friends and that she would be there for me. (meaning through transition) At the time, I just thought it was some bullshit you say when breaking up. But she meant it. I ending up telling her that I was on hormones and that I'd had some laser hair removal treatments. I also told her that I was upset and lonely that I didn't have any friends. But what really bothered me is her life. She's moved in with her boyfriend and renting out her (our old) house. She's thinking about trying for a baby in a year. After the mall, we went out for sushi with some work people. But there was some time to kill, so we went to her place to watch a bit of the closing ceremony and so I could say hi to the dogs. Well, I didn't make the connection that it would be at her new place until we got there. And then I cried when I was playing with her dog.
So basically her life is pretty good, except for her mom and cat dying last fall. I've suddenly realised that I miss her so incredibly much. I miss having someone to go home to. I miss having somebody that's there for me. I miss having someone that wants to cuddle with me. I miss having my best friend. I miss somebody that likes to spend time with me, either hanging out or doing something.
It suddenly hit me that she's not coming back. It hasn't bothered me much until now. But now, I'm incredibly unhappy about it. I've spent so much time crying. In a moment of weakness or whatever, I actually prayed last night, something I haven't done in years. On Sunday, as soon as I walked into work, H. saw me. She instantly knew that something was wrong, so she made me talk to her. I said that I wished I had died during that time in 2007 when I drank a lot after work and she came home to find me lying in bed in my own vomit. And then later she cornered me at work and I mentioned that I was suicidal. So she facebooked my sister, who was waiting to talk to me when I got home from work. She was worried, and I told her everything. I even came out as atheist.
I don't know how to get past this feeling of "my life sucks," especially since I really believe it. At the same time, there are two reasons for hope in my life. One is that I'm well on the way to becoming a teacher and the other is that I'm making progress toward transitioning. But I feel that everything else is shitty. I feel like a loser living in my old room in the basement, imposing on my sister and her new husband. I feel fucking lonely, with no good friends.
On the friend front, yesterday after supper I decided to go see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. So I looked up showtimes and then thought, "hey, I might as well try to find somebody to go with." I went on Facebook and asked my male friend to go. He wrote, "no thanks, I think I going to stay home tonight." Last week I tried to do something with him twice but he didn't want to. This guy has always had "a hard day at work," or some other reason to not do anything. We're not close, but this is somebody that I've known for over ten years. So I went to the movie alone, but it was sold out anyways. The only other people that are local are my married friends. They have a two year-old, so it's very limiting what we do together. Basically I go over once every two weeks and we play a game. I feel closer to the wife, like I could talk to her, (she's a good listener and is sympathetic) but I don't see her alone. Then I have my new friends from my program. Since the program started, I made the decision to try to attend every social event I could with anyone from the program. The last event was watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I've never watched any opening ceremonies; I only went because of the social factor. But these social things are infrequent, and they are usually alcohol-based. I wish that I could just call up one of these people to hang out. But I've heard the guy who usually hosts the parties say homophobic remarks, so he's probably not a person I'd want to share things with. The girl I have a crush on does know that I'm fucked up and lonely. But if I facebook her and suggest hanging out, she will see that as me trying to initiate a romantic relationship.
Things are depressing on the friend front. When I was spilling my guts to my sister, she said, "I don't know how people meet except at church." Obviously, I won't be going to church anytime soon. I'm not going to start going to bars to meet people.
I have to make a decision about where I want to work. I would be able to get a substitute teacher job in several school districts. I'm having a hard time deciding which one(s) to apply for. I'm guaranteed a substitute teacher job in the school district I'm doing my practicum; they've already inquired as to when my practicum is over. But it's outside of Metro Vancouver, as am I at the moment. People are noticeably more conservative/church-going. I don't know if I want to stay living here. But if I get hired and move to say, Surrey or Coquitlam, then I won't have any immediate family in the same town. I worry that I'll just be sitting depressed in an apartment, doing nothing. If I don't do things regularily with my new friends, there's no reason to thing that would change just because I move to Metro Vancouver. I'll be applying for jobs in three weeks, so this is something I really need to think about.
I did leave a message for my psychologist yesterday; I clearly need an appointment. I should not have let shit get so bad before seeing her.
Somehow I need to get hope back.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
overdue update
Sorry I haven't been keeping up on here.
School has been going well. Teaching in my practicum re-affirms to me that I should be a teacher. I find it rewarding. Sure, it's challenging, but I find it rewarding. I don't know what I'd do other than teach. I am not going to keep working at the grocery store for the rest of my life. If I fail my practicum, I "won't make it." I'll kill myself. But I'm a "natural." I just have to not fuck up for another month or so.
I don't like being called "Monsieur _______". But it's a necessary evil. A couple weeks ago we had to pretend to be a T.O.C. (a.k.a. subsitute teacher) for a day. I did Grade 1 instead of 10. I loved it. I think I'd consider doing it for reals. (the young ones also called me Madame by accident. :) )
I had a pro-d day during this week. (that's a non-teaching work day). I was in four workshops, and there were at maximum 3 men in each one. Teaching is a fairly woman-dominated profession. Languages doubly so.
I am on the next level Estradot patch. Since the lowest one didn't do anything physiologically, perhaps this will start something. I had fucked up and not made an appointment for my endocrinologist early enough, so I had been without anything for two weeks. It was not nice having a sex drive again. I explained it to my carpool partner as being like the trailer for "40 days and 40 nights." You just sort of feel antsy. There was a recent post in the blogosphere of somebody saying transwomen were happy to lose their libido because it isn't feminine to have one. I don't feel that way; I feel it's just annoying to have it. I know women can have a strong sex drive; I remember fondly one part of my marriage during which my ex-wife would bang on the wall when she was in bed trying to get to sleep (because of working early) when she wanted sex.
A week ago I had my fourth laser treatment. Now, the hair is starting to shed. I bought three more treatments. I hope that's enough to deal with all the dark hairs so I only need electrolysis for the blonde hairs. I find facial hair to be really unpleasant. (and dysphoric..)
Valentine's day wasn't too horrible. My parents actually came over to check on me; I thought it was pretty sweet. It's just more the everyday stuff. As I've mentioned already, it isn't the marriage being over that bothers me; it's more the lack of my best friend.(or any good ones for that matter)
I fucking hate weekends for the most part. I don't see my carpool partner so I have nobody to talk to. I don't usually see friends. Ok sure, last night I did see this couple that I've been friends with for over ten years. But we aren't close. I can't talk to them about stuff I want to talk about. It bothers me that nobody that I have known before my separation knows that I'm on hormones and that I'm beginning transition. Last night there was a free deadmau5 concert at the Livecity Yaletown site in Vancouver. I really wanted to go. But I had nobody to go with. I tried unsuccessfully to convince my ex to call in sick for work and come with me. I don't have anyone else to ask that might have gone.
School has been going well. Teaching in my practicum re-affirms to me that I should be a teacher. I find it rewarding. Sure, it's challenging, but I find it rewarding. I don't know what I'd do other than teach. I am not going to keep working at the grocery store for the rest of my life. If I fail my practicum, I "won't make it." I'll kill myself. But I'm a "natural." I just have to not fuck up for another month or so.
I don't like being called "Monsieur _______". But it's a necessary evil. A couple weeks ago we had to pretend to be a T.O.C. (a.k.a. subsitute teacher) for a day. I did Grade 1 instead of 10. I loved it. I think I'd consider doing it for reals. (the young ones also called me Madame by accident. :) )
I had a pro-d day during this week. (that's a non-teaching work day). I was in four workshops, and there were at maximum 3 men in each one. Teaching is a fairly woman-dominated profession. Languages doubly so.
I am on the next level Estradot patch. Since the lowest one didn't do anything physiologically, perhaps this will start something. I had fucked up and not made an appointment for my endocrinologist early enough, so I had been without anything for two weeks. It was not nice having a sex drive again. I explained it to my carpool partner as being like the trailer for "40 days and 40 nights." You just sort of feel antsy. There was a recent post in the blogosphere of somebody saying transwomen were happy to lose their libido because it isn't feminine to have one. I don't feel that way; I feel it's just annoying to have it. I know women can have a strong sex drive; I remember fondly one part of my marriage during which my ex-wife would bang on the wall when she was in bed trying to get to sleep (because of working early) when she wanted sex.
A week ago I had my fourth laser treatment. Now, the hair is starting to shed. I bought three more treatments. I hope that's enough to deal with all the dark hairs so I only need electrolysis for the blonde hairs. I find facial hair to be really unpleasant. (and dysphoric..)
Valentine's day wasn't too horrible. My parents actually came over to check on me; I thought it was pretty sweet. It's just more the everyday stuff. As I've mentioned already, it isn't the marriage being over that bothers me; it's more the lack of my best friend.(or any good ones for that matter)
I fucking hate weekends for the most part. I don't see my carpool partner so I have nobody to talk to. I don't usually see friends. Ok sure, last night I did see this couple that I've been friends with for over ten years. But we aren't close. I can't talk to them about stuff I want to talk about. It bothers me that nobody that I have known before my separation knows that I'm on hormones and that I'm beginning transition. Last night there was a free deadmau5 concert at the Livecity Yaletown site in Vancouver. I really wanted to go. But I had nobody to go with. I tried unsuccessfully to convince my ex to call in sick for work and come with me. I don't have anyone else to ask that might have gone.
I've fucking been home all day. I haven't fucking done anything today. I'm fucking lazy. I was outside of the house for about 20 minutes. Fuck. I've had three Maudite strong beer. Weekends would be harder without booze. I think getting through my program is what is keeping me alive. That's not enough. I need to find something else in life that is worth it.
I told my mom I'm atheist. Of course she was upset. But I stated that that issue is nowhere near the top of my list of important things in my life. Perhaps one day I will be able to tell my family and old friends about my plans for transition. I suppose it's sort of convenient that I don't have anything holding me down anywhere.
Goddamn life.
I told my mom I'm atheist. Of course she was upset. But I stated that that issue is nowhere near the top of my list of important things in my life. Perhaps one day I will be able to tell my family and old friends about my plans for transition. I suppose it's sort of convenient that I don't have anything holding me down anywhere.
Goddamn life.
Monday, January 18, 2010
misc
Nothing super exciting to share - just a few random things.
On Friday I had a Professional-Development Day at my new practicum. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a day off school on which teachers go to workshops. I went to a French as a Second Language meeting for secondary FSL teachers in the district. (since I'm a student teacher, I must go to those as well) I made it through the morning without anybody saying anything, but right after lunch, a teacher asked how I felt "being the only guy there." I said, "um, no problem." Then she made a comment about all the estrogen in the room and I had to refrain from saying, "well, actually..."
Which brings me to the next item. I fucked up by not making an appointment with my endocrinologist early enough, so I made one today for Feb 15th. That's two weeks after my girl pills run out. I will get a blood test this Saturday so that he has the information when I see him three weeks later. But it's still annoying. I also hope to get on a much higher dose of estrogen. He believes in "ramping" up the estrogen, in an attempt to simulate puberty. However, after three months on .025 mg (daily) hasn't provided me with any noticeable physiological change. (This is Estradot 25, btw) So it would be nice to be taking something much stronger.
Right now, I'm in three Grade 9 classrooms. These kids are all around 14. It is funny to see them separated by gender. They had to do review for the final exam today. They were allowed to choose their own group to a maximum of four and in no class did a boy sit at the same table as a girl. This is probably the last year they will separate themselves like that.
I'm a bit concerned about transitioning and getting a job. I will be able to apply for jobs starting in September. (likely a job I could get as a rookie would be as a TOC, a.k.a teacher on call, substitute teacher, supply teacher.) I will not be full-time by then. So let's say I do that for six months or so. When I've gone full-time, I'll basically have to worry about the tolerance of many people, the school adminstrator being only one. My most important references at at that point will be from the "real" teacher I'm working with right now and from the woman from the University that will come to observe me. I'm not concerned with informing them in a year, "um, you may get some calls asking for __ ___ instead of ___ ___." But I'd still be relying on them to be cool with me.
Some more facial hair has entered the growth cycle in the last week. Obviously, I find it disgusting, but it is a good thing because that means it will be able to be killed at my laser appointment in mid February. Last appointment, I don't think there had been much growth.
I'm still pretty lonely. But being back at school and in a classroom means I at least get to see people. I don't like coming home. I don't like the weekends. The only thing to get excited about is my home theatre.
Two weeks ago I got drunk and bitched on Facebook about how my life sucked to someone in my program. Then I was embarrassed so I ignored her all week. Then I apologized for that. Sigh. This is the one I have that crush on. (yeah, it's harmless and I would never mention it; it's not gonna happen.)
On Friday I had a Professional-Development Day at my new practicum. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically a day off school on which teachers go to workshops. I went to a French as a Second Language meeting for secondary FSL teachers in the district. (since I'm a student teacher, I must go to those as well) I made it through the morning without anybody saying anything, but right after lunch, a teacher asked how I felt "being the only guy there." I said, "um, no problem." Then she made a comment about all the estrogen in the room and I had to refrain from saying, "well, actually..."
Which brings me to the next item. I fucked up by not making an appointment with my endocrinologist early enough, so I made one today for Feb 15th. That's two weeks after my girl pills run out. I will get a blood test this Saturday so that he has the information when I see him three weeks later. But it's still annoying. I also hope to get on a much higher dose of estrogen. He believes in "ramping" up the estrogen, in an attempt to simulate puberty. However, after three months on .025 mg (daily) hasn't provided me with any noticeable physiological change. (This is Estradot 25, btw) So it would be nice to be taking something much stronger.
Right now, I'm in three Grade 9 classrooms. These kids are all around 14. It is funny to see them separated by gender. They had to do review for the final exam today. They were allowed to choose their own group to a maximum of four and in no class did a boy sit at the same table as a girl. This is probably the last year they will separate themselves like that.
I'm a bit concerned about transitioning and getting a job. I will be able to apply for jobs starting in September. (likely a job I could get as a rookie would be as a TOC, a.k.a teacher on call, substitute teacher, supply teacher.) I will not be full-time by then. So let's say I do that for six months or so. When I've gone full-time, I'll basically have to worry about the tolerance of many people, the school adminstrator being only one. My most important references at at that point will be from the "real" teacher I'm working with right now and from the woman from the University that will come to observe me. I'm not concerned with informing them in a year, "um, you may get some calls asking for __ ___ instead of ___ ___." But I'd still be relying on them to be cool with me.
Some more facial hair has entered the growth cycle in the last week. Obviously, I find it disgusting, but it is a good thing because that means it will be able to be killed at my laser appointment in mid February. Last appointment, I don't think there had been much growth.
I'm still pretty lonely. But being back at school and in a classroom means I at least get to see people. I don't like coming home. I don't like the weekends. The only thing to get excited about is my home theatre.
Two weeks ago I got drunk and bitched on Facebook about how my life sucked to someone in my program. Then I was embarrassed so I ignored her all week. Then I apologized for that. Sigh. This is the one I have that crush on. (yeah, it's harmless and I would never mention it; it's not gonna happen.)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Media done good
Normally I don't post or comment on current events on this blog. But I was so impressed with this article on CBC, about a boater who is causing trouble in Vancouver. In my opinion it was as respectful as possible.
Some quotes:
first paragraph:
"Olympic security officials say the arrest of a female boater off Vancouver's Jericho Beach on New Year's Eve shouldn't raise concerns about marine security during the 2010 Games."
further in:
Ok, I don't have anything more to say about that.
Some quotes:
first paragraph:
"Olympic security officials say the arrest of a female boater off Vancouver's Jericho Beach on New Year's Eve shouldn't raise concerns about marine security during the 2010 Games."
further in:
"The boat Tiny Dancer is registered to a Sam Coates, a man from Grand Forks, B.C.
Police said Coates is transgendered, and now is known as Samantha Coates.
"She is known to police," said Vancouver police Const. Lindsey Houghton.
"There were two incidents last year where Ms. Coates relinquished a starter pistol to police."
So the impression I got is that the only reason her trans status was mentioned is that her boat was registered. Also, she's only referred to as female by the police.Ok, I don't have anything more to say about that.
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