Sunday, March 21, 2010

an interesting question

I had coffee with H, my ex last night.

She wondered whether I was transitioning in order to make our separation have meaning.

I said I didn't know. I think that's a part of it. When I moved out, that's when my mindset changed. I remember feeling that "now I can do something about my GD instead of repressing it." But I don't think that would be a good enough reason to transition. I'll have to think about this; I'll bring it up when I go to therapy next.

I do know that I don't like living in a world where somebody that's been with you for six years can leave you one week after meeting someone new. That fucking hurts.

I bought Lady Gaga tickets this week they day they went on sale. H wants to go along. I'll take her. When I bought the two tickets I knew it was a big risk. After all, it would be easy to find somebody that would want to see Lady Gaga. Finding somebody that wants to go with me and I with them is another matter. H is still good company.

Which brings me to my last point about her. I'm not really sure why she wants to remain friends. I can't see how I can be good company if I'm always on the verge of tears when we're talking. I think I'll ask her at work today. I'm thinking it might be pity (she knows I have zero close friends) or maybe even a little guilt.

Finally, now that my entire family seems to know all about me (atheism, depression, transition) I don't seem to feel relieved or anything. I was expecting that it might be easier but it isn't. I don't really care that they know. They aren't supportive at all. At least I know not to count on anybody except myself. That's both depressing and empowering at the same time.

It's my birthday this week. :( What I'd really want is to somebody to plan something for me, but I know that isn't going to happen. (H didn't even mention it; I assumed she wanted to have coffee to give me a card or something.) I'm pretty much planning the only party I will have. I already had to decide what I wanted for supper and for dessert, as well as the present my parents are giving me. Now I have to decide what sushi that my parents should order for my birthday meal. This is one of the things that is supposed to be about me but that I'm really doing for everybody else. I know I can keep it together for the party though.

I'm not sure why my mom chose to tell me that my entire immediate family is getting therapy because of me. Perhaps this is why I never told my family anything voluntarily; now I feel like an asshole for making it hard on everyone. I think that's unfair, really. I'm the one going through shit, not them.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


I am doing better! It was mostly just feeling depressed and suicidal from about Thursday to Tuesday including last weekend.

Consensus seems to be that I am finally starting the grieving process about my separation. Clearly, I avoided dealing with it until now. I obviously was hoping that it wasn't real; that we'd get back together. Now I see that's unlikely. :(

On Thursday I spent about eight hours with my dad. We went for a long drive - about 600 km round trip. We talked about most things. He asked lots of questions. Some of it was about my marriage breakup and some was about my GD. We aren't close in the sense that we rarely talk about anything personal. That experience didn't really make me feel any closer, it was more like an interrogation. I was a little shocked after I told him that I had just been more suicidal than I'd ever been in my life. He did not react to that at all, not even to say, "that's too bad." Talking about my GD, we didn't find any common ground on any point. He asked me about "aggressive homosexuals." I assumed he meant gays that are "out and proud," but he really seemed to believe in gay recruitment! He compared it to people who try to get other people to behave or think in a particular way in order to "normalise" their own behaviour or opinions. And he also said that as a society deteriorates that more things become acceptable. I tried to point out that that's not necessarily bad; mixed-race marriages were frowned upon very recently. He also claimed that repression wasn't harmful!

Then he asked why separation from my wife was when I felt I could start moving toward transition. This is where we reached an impass. I couldn't get the point across that you take your spouse in consideration when you make decisions in a bigger way than your family. He seemed to think I was saying that family love is somehow worth less than spouse love. But what I mean is that your spouse is indeed much more important when you make decisions. I would never have considered moving out of town away from my wife, for example. Yet right now, when I'm thinking about where I want to move to, my family plays a much smaller role in the decision. A married person would not always confer with family when buying a car, but would always make a joint decision involving the spouse. A person's decisions have a greater effect on their spouse than on their family. So we stopped talking about it before I could explain.

I went to therapy yesterday. It was useful. I don't think I should wait multiple months before the next visit.

I'm gonna be ok, it's just gonna take time.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Not doing so well

Things have been rough for the past few days. I have never had such intense suicidal ideation. I have had plenty of suicidal ideation, but not like this. Usually, when I'm having it, suicide seems like an option, something I can do later. When I've felt suicidal during the past few days, suicide seems more like an immediate solution. I'm not feeling suicidal at this very moment, but when I do during this period I feel like it's something to do right away, as if I should take my laptop, drive somewhere, write a note, and slice my throat open.

The trigger was hanging out with my ex on Thursday. We went to a shopping mall called Coquitlam Centre, where she'd never been and where there's a store I knew she'd like. I've mentioned in the past how I didn't really have any friends to hang out with or talk to. H. is the exception; she doesn't seem to mind my company. When she dumped me last year she said that she still wanted to be friends and that she would be there for me. (meaning through transition) At the time, I just thought it was some bullshit you say when breaking up. But she meant it. I ending up telling her that I was on hormones and that I'd had some laser hair removal treatments. I also told her that I was upset and lonely that I didn't have any friends. But what really bothered me is her life. She's moved in with her boyfriend and renting out her (our old) house. She's thinking about trying for a baby in a year. After the mall, we went out for sushi with some work people. But there was some time to kill, so we went to her place to watch a bit of the closing ceremony and so I could say hi to the dogs. Well, I didn't make the connection that it would be at her new place until we got there. And then I cried when I was playing with her dog.

So basically her life is pretty good, except for her mom and cat dying last fall. I've suddenly realised that I miss her so incredibly much. I miss having someone to go home to. I miss having somebody that's there for me. I miss having someone that wants to cuddle with me. I miss having my best friend. I miss somebody that likes to spend time with me, either hanging out or doing something.

It suddenly hit me that she's not coming back. It hasn't bothered me much until now. But now, I'm incredibly unhappy about it. I've spent so much time crying. In a moment of weakness or whatever, I actually prayed last night, something I haven't done in years. On Sunday, as soon as I walked into work, H. saw me. She instantly knew that something was wrong, so she made me talk to her. I said that I wished I had died during that time in 2007 when I drank a lot after work and she came home to find me lying in bed in my own vomit. And then later she cornered me at work and I mentioned that I was suicidal. So she facebooked my sister, who was waiting to talk to me when I got home from work. She was worried, and I told her everything. I even came out as atheist.

I don't know how to get past this feeling of "my life sucks," especially since I really believe it. At the same time, there are two reasons for hope in my life. One is that I'm well on the way to becoming a teacher and the other is that I'm making progress toward transitioning. But I feel that everything else is shitty. I feel like a loser living in my old room in the basement, imposing on my sister and her new husband. I feel fucking lonely, with no good friends.

On the friend front, yesterday after supper I decided to go see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. So I looked up showtimes and then thought, "hey, I might as well try to find somebody to go with." I went on Facebook and asked my male friend to go. He wrote, "no thanks, I think I going to stay home tonight." Last week I tried to do something with him twice but he didn't want to. This guy has always had "a hard day at work," or some other reason to not do anything. We're not close, but this is somebody that I've known for over ten years. So I went to the movie alone, but it was sold out anyways. The only other people that are local are my married friends. They have a two year-old, so it's very limiting what we do together. Basically I go over once every two weeks and we play a game. I feel closer to the wife, like I could talk to her, (she's a good listener and is sympathetic) but I don't see her alone. Then I have my new friends from my program. Since the program started, I made the decision to try to attend every social event I could with anyone from the program. The last event was watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I've never watched any opening ceremonies; I only went because of the social factor. But these social things are infrequent, and they are usually alcohol-based. I wish that I could just call up one of these people to hang out. But I've heard the guy who usually hosts the parties say homophobic remarks, so he's probably not a person I'd want to share things with. The girl I have a crush on does know that I'm fucked up and lonely. But if I facebook her and suggest hanging out, she will see that as me trying to initiate a romantic relationship.

Things are depressing on the friend front. When I was spilling my guts to my sister, she said, "I don't know how people meet except at church." Obviously, I won't be going to church anytime soon. I'm not going to start going to bars to meet people.

I have to make a decision about where I want to work. I would be able to get a substitute teacher job in several school districts. I'm having a hard time deciding which one(s) to apply for. I'm guaranteed a substitute teacher job in the school district I'm doing my practicum; they've already inquired as to when my practicum is over. But it's outside of Metro Vancouver, as am I at the moment. People are noticeably more conservative/church-going. I don't know if I want to stay living here. But if I get hired and move to say, Surrey or Coquitlam, then I won't have any immediate family in the same town. I worry that I'll just be sitting depressed in an apartment, doing nothing. If I don't do things regularily with my new friends, there's no reason to thing that would change just because I move to Metro Vancouver. I'll be applying for jobs in three weeks, so this is something I really need to think about.

I did leave a message for my psychologist yesterday; I clearly need an appointment. I should not have let shit get so bad before seeing her.

Somehow I need to get hope back.