Monday, November 30, 2009

Canadian Blood services and misc.

Nearly 4 weeks ago I attempted to donate blood. I was unsuccessful.

The first problem was that the registering person(not the nurse) put down "Mr" in the computer without asking me. I asked her to remove it, but she was unable to, even after asking a supervisor. She promised that they wouldn't send me letters so I would never see or hear that word.

Next problem was seeing the screening nurse. She was only somewhat familiar with trans issues. For example, after I told her which drugs I was taking she asked me, "so you were born a..." Obviously no transperson born a woman would be taking estrogen... Even though I wasn't taking any drugs that would not allow me to donate(Proscar would be an example), she had to ask for medical approval (from a doctor who wasn't there). They were supposed to call two weeks later.

Well today, I got a letter addressed to "Mr. ____ ______." I do have approval now. But now my reason for donating(I was trying to donate to add to my school's tally) is disappeared. So I don't know if I'll bother. Donating means being outed every time.
TMI alert
Effects of hormones:
I'm not quite sure. I still feel pretty good, including self-esteem. I decided to stop taking the mild anti-depressant a few days to rule out its effect on my morale.
Spontaneous erections are a thing of the past.
Libido is not entirely gone. But somehow it is different. When I masturbate, (about once a week), it's mostly out of curiosity.(I can, erections aren't very hard, however) My "desire" is more for cuddling or non-sexual physical intimacy.

I'm still changing as a person. Friday night, I went to a birthday party for a girl from my programme. It was at a bar. I wouldn't have actually gone, but I was misled into thinking it was more of a pub. Anyway, instead of my plan of making an appearance and staying an hour, I moved my car to where it could stay overnight. I actually danced for the first time. Well, first time doing a non-structured dance. That kind of stuff has always terrified me. It's sort of artistic expression with no explicit rules. To me, it's like somebody tells you to sing, but you can't sing a song that you know, or even one that exists. Anyways, it wasn't too bad. I didn't get super drunk since I didn't start early enough. Anecdote: I nearly jizzed myself(that's a gender neutral term these days) when the birthday girl (who I have a huge crush on, incidently) leaned her head on my shoulder during a photo op. The birthday girl, another programme colleague, and I went to the birthday girl's house to crash. (at 3 am!) They laid down on her bed right away and I laid down between them. Then we talked about who had crushes on who and that kind of stuff. I sorta felt like "one of the girls." I love that feeling, although it doesn't usually last. In this case, I left the bed to sleep on the floor. (I was sober enough to realize that it would be creepy when one of them woke up with me next to them.)

Which brings me to the last thing I want to write about at this moment. For me, wanting to be female isn't "all about the clothes" , which is the impression you get from reading many trans blogs. (I'm not criticizing.) Rather, it's the social role(or perceived social role??) that appeals to me. For example, today in this class I'm taking, we did a kind of role play game. Five of us had a role to play. We each got a piece of paper with instructions on how we were supposed to act. The goal of the activity was to demonstrate cultural differences. Each of the five had different instructions, an example being to avoid making eye contact while or listening. The one I got was that I had to shake hands upon "meeting" somebody and then I had to touch the arm, elbow, or shoulder when talking. Somebody pointed out that it would be especially weird because guys aren't allowed to do that kind of stuff in our culture. (which is completely true, of course) That's just one tiny example of me being jealous of female role(s).

All for now, stay safe!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I am fucking awesome.

Well, I've been on the hormones for two and a half weeks. I don't know which of these things are the cause of my newfound awesomeness: the hormones/spiro or the anti-depressants.(or both?)

Regardless, I've never felt this way in my life. At the one week mark I did not feel any different whatsoever. Now, hopefully I can describe how I'm feeling. It's difficult when you're emotionally stunted, I suppose. Basically, I just feel like I'm the most awesome person ever. It's probably a self-esteem thing. I would never have thought that I liked myself. Two weeks ago, I could have listed off several of my good qualities, but still felt that I "sucked." Now, I can think of some negative qualities, but they don't seem to be that important. Before, I would occasionally feel like I had to pretend to be happy, and now I actually am.

I really hope this lasts; I like it.

I have noticed the libido dwindle down to nothing. Before, I would attempt "preemptive masturbation" to try to (unsuccessfully) curb sexual thoughts, but now I don't need to. This is a desired effect, for now at least.

What else?
•I've been on a practicum in a high school. That's been going well; I really enjoy it.
•I am seriously thinking of moving for January. I would hopefully be able to get a practicum placement close to where I move, or vice-versa. I don't get quite enough privacy here. For example, I couldn't practice makeup in the bathroom.
•I am really happy to be working toward my future career. I don't come home from a day at school and feel the need to start drinking immediately like I did when I worked five days a week at the grocery store.
•One of my colleagues at university was surprised that I was separated, because I "seem so happy." Even before my recently discovered self-esteem, I didn't let it bother me. Of course I miss her for the most part, but for now at least, I am enjoying the single life. On Tuesday night a few of us from university went to the pub to watch the horrible Canucks game, then went to somebody's house to play Rock Band and drinking games. I couldn't do that kind of stuff while married. It was great to go out and not know where I was going to spend the night and when I'd be home. (I slept on somebody's couch)
•I watched 2012 on Saturday. I do like the disaster genre, but was surprised to find myself tearing up when characters died. I wonder if I can blame that one on the hormones/spiro. Usually I only cry in a drama, such as My Sister's Keeper.