Thursday, August 26, 2010

Two feelings

The first one, I forgot to write in my last post. The day or two after the Lady Gaga concert, I realised that I hadn't cried once during the time I spent with my friend. This is surprising to me since normally when I talk about serious things like my family, my wife dumping me, etc I tend to get upset and cry. I figured out that I hadn't cried at all since I had been super happy during that time. I remember having a permanent smile on my face.

While I've posted before about getting more in touch with my emotions, I still have a ways to go. I can't always predict in advance how upset I will get and if I will cry.

The second feeling is that I keep feeling less close to my immediate family. It's most likely related to how I feel they've not been supportive. As an example, my dad just "lent" me three books that he suggested I could read. One's about going from atheism to religion, the next on male sexuality, and the last on male depression. To me this seems like a "fuck you." He claims to not deny that I'm trans, but this seems to. Anyway, this lack of closeness I feel makes me want to spend less time with them. For example, I was in my room surfing the internet and I heard my parents upstairs. I thought, "oh great, now I can't go upstairs to make myself supper until they leave."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Lady Gaga!!!

Last night I saw Lady Gaga perform at Rogers Arena in Vancouver. (Formerly GM Place) This is where the major hockey games of the 2010 Olympics were held.

I went with a friend from high school whom I had not seen for years. Two weeks ago at work, I mentioned to my ex, H, about the concert. At first she lied and said that she didn't think we were still going and that she'd made plans. Five minutes later, she approached and said she didn't want to go with me since I made things awkward when we hang out. This is probably accurate. Hanging out with her is awkward. In the past, when I hung out with her, I felt upset with how she treated me when she dumped me. But I avoided ever mentioning that because I still wanted to hang out with her. When we hung out, she'd always expect me to share personal stuff without wanting to tell me about her new life without me. But she still should have informed me that she had changed her mind about going with me.

To find someone else to go with, I set my facebook status asking if anyone wanted to go with me. I got one offer, another girl from high school whom I hadn't seen since 1998 and that I'd never stayed in contact with. I noticed that the girl I ended up going with regularily posted links to Lady Gaga videos, so I facebooked her and asked if she'd go. She's a mother of four, and was so excited at the chance to see Gaga. Incidently, she was also my high school graduation banquet date as well as the sister of my first real girlfriend. But we were only ever platonic friends.

The concert was awesome. I'd pretty much characterize it as a production rather than a mere concert. It wasn't just two songs, a tiny bit of talking, then 10 more songs. It was twenty songs over two hours and five minutes, with many costume changes and set changes. Lady Gaga is very LGBT friendly and made several comments about that. She said something about coming to terms with our own LGBT identity. (Or something to that effect.) I felt like she was talking directly to me. Why?

I went as me. I told my friend all about me and she was cool with that. She's a relatively liberal Christian, so I knew there wouldn't be a problem. This is my second "outing." It felt great. I got a couple looks from two girls on the Skytrain but literally nothing else. We even got called ladies by a woman handing out Pantene samples on the street. I also used the ladies room for the first time as an adult at a restaurant we went to before the concert. My therapist indicated during my last visit that she wants to "see me all pretty," so I will go as me next time.

Somewhat unrelated, but I learned something that made me happy and I feel slightly guilty about it. Apparently the guy whom H left me for is a chronic cheater. I don't live in a "small town," but someone from Vancouver would consider my town "the boonies." Anyway, my point is that it's funny what kind of unexpected connections there are. H's boyfriend apparently dated my high school girlfriend the year after I did and cheated on her with multiple girls after being her "first." H's boyfriend then had an eight year relationship with another girl whom he also cheated on. This ex-girlfriend of mine is the sister of the girl with whom I saw Lady Gaga last night, so that's how I found out. So basically, H's boyfriend is a serial cheater and takes my "sloppy seconds." Part of me is pleased she's going to get fucked over and is glad she's going to feel some emotional pain. I don't believe in karma, but I like the idea. But I hope he cheats on her before they have a kid together. A couple weeks ago, I saw him talking to a girl outside at work and the body language seemed flirty not friendly. We'll see.

Monday, August 2, 2010

It made my day

I just came back from a trip to Alberta with my mom. On the way home, I saw this graffiti on the back of a bear-proof garbage container at a rest stop. I ran quickly to my car to get my cellphone to take this picture. (my camera broke)

I just thought it was so awesome.

That would be my car in the background. You just don't expect to see that kind of thing near Salmon Arm, BC.

I also went to see Salt on Saturday night. I didn't expect to see a group of ten queer women standing outside a cinema in Calgary, AB. The interesting thing about Salt is that it was written for a male lead but was adapted for Angelina Jolie. Not too many female actors (avoiding the word actress here) are allowed to carry a big budget action movie without an opposing famous male actor opposite them.

My mom didn't mention my pierced ears, and there's no way she didn't notice.

all for now!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

End of school

On Thursday, I met about twenty of my colleagues from the teaching program at a pub near the university to celebrate. Most people had just finished their last class. I came right after work. Many people were impressed that I took a relatively long car ride to see them. I didn't state that I would have driven three hours instead of just one and a half to see them.

My school colleagues are the closest thing I have to close friends. During the program I tried to do as much as possible with them as I could. I went to parties and even clubs and did had new experiences such as dancing and playing drinking games.

I was there from about 5:00 to 9:30, when they left to go do karaoke. Of course I would have gone, but I had to work at 7:00 a.m. and leave for a weekend trip to Alberta with my mom after work. I'm responsible, so I slept in my car until one, since I'd had a lot of beer. :)

When one of my favourite colleagues left, I really started crying a lot. (oh great, now I'm starting again) I'm so sad that the program is over. I like these people so much and I won't see them often if I do see them. Later, I was also talking to one girl who I'm not super close to. I started getting upset when we were talking about the future. So she had me come sit with her outside and talk to her. I asked if she'd heard about my presentation. She said she'd heard that there had been a big announcement involving me but not the details. So of course I came out to her. She said that she had a cousin who used to be Christine and was now Chris. She promised that we'd get together for coffee.

Yesterday I facebook chatted with the colleague whose leaving made me really cry. She's 40 with three kids. She was one of the people in my class who was very supportive when I came out. She said she'd take me clothes/accessory shopping.

All of the above is my attempt to describe how much I love these people. It's been really fun learning and laughing with them.

But what I don't understand is why they don't actually do things with me. We'll see if these last two promises end up being fulfilled or not. Between the two people that I feel closest to, I have seen them socially (individual, not a school related or a group event) a total of three times. Twice to celebrate the semesters' ends with my carpool partner whom I came out to in December and once to see that play a week ago with my lesbian friend whom I came out to in October.

There's been over five other people who've promised that they would contact me to do something but haven't. I don't get it. I know I'm fucking awesome. I'm easy-going. I'm fun to be around. I'm a good listener. I'm always up for drinking. Is there something wrong with me?

I'm going to keep trying, of course. I really need people to hang out with and talk to that are accepting and who like me of course. (I am super-likeable, I swear!)

Of my local friends, I have a married couple that I've known for over ten years. The husband was my best man. I'm out to the wife, so I'm sure that means he knows too. I see them maybe every three or four weeks. It's always the same - I come over on Friday night at 8 p.m. (after their two year-old is in bed) and bring board games. We don't really talk about deep stuff. Then I'm friends with the brother of the husband. But as with his brother, he's not into talking about anything personal.

I've been working alongside the same four people at work for four weeks now. I've never done that at my job - I usually just work alone. They did actually invite me to join them for a movie a couple weeks ago. Anyway, last week I was driving us to Triple-O's for lunch and I reached into my glove box to get my sunglasses. The woman in her forties saw my cigarettes and was surprised because I'm not a smoker. (every two weeks, maybe) She said, "what other secrets do you have?" I said that I had many. She said that I had to tell her something personal about me every day. So now, every morning, she asks me to peel another layer of the onion. An example of this was that I've only every slept with H., and for the first time on our wedding night. Obviously I have to come out to her at the end of summer.

I just don't know what the deal is with me and friends, and why I have no close ones. I know at work I just assume that everybody doesn't like me anymore because H. dumped me. (we work at the same place.) At school I tried really hard to make friends.