End of school

On Thursday, I met about twenty of my colleagues from the teaching program at a pub near the university to celebrate. Most people had just finished their last class. I came right after work. Many people were impressed that I took a relatively long car ride to see them. I didn't state that I would have driven three hours instead of just one and a half to see them.

My school colleagues are the closest thing I have to close friends. During the program I tried to do as much as possible with them as I could. I went to parties and even clubs and did had new experiences such as dancing and playing drinking games.

I was there from about 5:00 to 9:30, when they left to go do karaoke. Of course I would have gone, but I had to work at 7:00 a.m. and leave for a weekend trip to Alberta with my mom after work. I'm responsible, so I slept in my car until one, since I'd had a lot of beer. :)

When one of my favourite colleagues left, I really started crying a lot. (oh great, now I'm starting again) I'm so sad that the program is over. I like these people so much and I won't see them often if I do see them. Later, I was also talking to one girl who I'm not super close to. I started getting upset when we were talking about the future. So she had me come sit with her outside and talk to her. I asked if she'd heard about my presentation. She said she'd heard that there had been a big announcement involving me but not the details. So of course I came out to her. She said that she had a cousin who used to be Christine and was now Chris. She promised that we'd get together for coffee.

Yesterday I facebook chatted with the colleague whose leaving made me really cry. She's 40 with three kids. She was one of the people in my class who was very supportive when I came out. She said she'd take me clothes/accessory shopping.

All of the above is my attempt to describe how much I love these people. It's been really fun learning and laughing with them.

But what I don't understand is why they don't actually do things with me. We'll see if these last two promises end up being fulfilled or not. Between the two people that I feel closest to, I have seen them socially (individual, not a school related or a group event) a total of three times. Twice to celebrate the semesters' ends with my carpool partner whom I came out to in December and once to see that play a week ago with my lesbian friend whom I came out to in October.

There's been over five other people who've promised that they would contact me to do something but haven't. I don't get it. I know I'm fucking awesome. I'm easy-going. I'm fun to be around. I'm a good listener. I'm always up for drinking. Is there something wrong with me?

I'm going to keep trying, of course. I really need people to hang out with and talk to that are accepting and who like me of course. (I am super-likeable, I swear!)

Of my local friends, I have a married couple that I've known for over ten years. The husband was my best man. I'm out to the wife, so I'm sure that means he knows too. I see them maybe every three or four weeks. It's always the same - I come over on Friday night at 8 p.m. (after their two year-old is in bed) and bring board games. We don't really talk about deep stuff. Then I'm friends with the brother of the husband. But as with his brother, he's not into talking about anything personal.

I've been working alongside the same four people at work for four weeks now. I've never done that at my job - I usually just work alone. They did actually invite me to join them for a movie a couple weeks ago. Anyway, last week I was driving us to Triple-O's for lunch and I reached into my glove box to get my sunglasses. The woman in her forties saw my cigarettes and was surprised because I'm not a smoker. (every two weeks, maybe) She said, "what other secrets do you have?" I said that I had many. She said that I had to tell her something personal about me every day. So now, every morning, she asks me to peel another layer of the onion. An example of this was that I've only every slept with H., and for the first time on our wedding night. Obviously I have to come out to her at the end of summer.

I just don't know what the deal is with me and friends, and why I have no close ones. I know at work I just assume that everybody doesn't like me anymore because H. dumped me. (we work at the same place.) At school I tried really hard to make friends.