Monday, January 19, 2009

Gay people coming out

So my wife and I have these new friends, two boys in their late teens. One of them, is "flaming". By that, I mean he "acts gay", likes things liked by gay men, etc.

I know what you're thinking: "Marie, you're gender variant, what the hell gives you the right to label somebody as gay, or to decide that certain behaviours are "gayer" than others?"

You're right, of course. But certain things identify many gay people. My wife has a gay friend who came out soon after I met her. She and her friends were all shocked when he came out. But he had lots of stereotypical mannerisms, etc. He also tried to hide it by saying homophobic remarks. But he's out and has had boyfriends since.

So this flaming boy likes musicals, the movie Hairspray, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He also talks in a higher pitched voice.(I wish mine were that high!) He has had girlfriends back home.

So his friend told us that the flaming friend had cross-dressed as a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show for his 15th birthday!! That's just amazing that somebody that young would risk being made fun of by his peers.

I don't know why this guy just can't admit it; he's probably gay.

The point of this rambling is that after telling the 15th birthday cross-dressing story, one of them asked me(in front of my wife) if I had ever cross-dressed. Luckily I was able to deflect it somehow, since I would have had to lie and I'm an unconvincing liar.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Comments enabled

Ok, I figured out how to allow for anonymous comments in the blog settings

I know I would be much less likely to comment on something if I had to reveal myself.

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Ok, well I told my wife that I was unsure that I wanted to become a teacher. Surprisingly enough, she didn't freak out; I was pleasantly surprised.

Next ├╝ber-personal thing that I tell her ought to be that I'm going to seek a therapist. I'll announce that when it happens... :P

I think I'll just pick up the phone book or something. Yes, I am about about the Vancouver Coastal Health's trans programs and stuff and the Three Bridges thing. But I'd want a therapist closer to where I live. (Also, I think the free therapist there is like only available every second Tuesday or something like that.)

On that note, can somebody give a ballpark figure for cost per session? (I'm sure that there can be a great deal of variation, but I'd like to know a guess.)

I've just noticed that all I write in this blog is rambling and barely coherent. Sorry.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

kill me now

Jesus fucking Christ I'm sick of my life.

Nothing is going right and I don't know "what I want to do with my life."

A year ago, I told my doctor that I thought I was trans. I never ending up starting therapy, mostly because of my fears. (Oh, and I'm fucking lazy, too)

So nothing has come of that.

A year ago, I finished a university degree. It doesn't seem like I'm any closer to getting into a teaching program.

Plus, now I'm beginning to feel that maybe I don't want to be a teacher. Goddamn it, life is complicated.

I still feel just as trans, if that's what that is. Fuck. How am I supposed to know anything?

I never used to understand what the point of a suicide attempt was. I mean, if you want to die, just kill yourself already, instead of a half-hearted attempt. I'm talking about methods that are less likely to be successful, like cutting on wrists, swallowing a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, etc. Why not do something irreversible if you really want to die? Like hang yourself or jump off a tall building?

But people say that those kinds of suicide attempts are a cry for help. And now I understand that that's what it is, even if the attemptee doesn't know that. I think that people would do that because they want some help. See, if somebody wants help/attention, if they ask for it, they won't be taken seriously, or they worry that they won't be. But it's harder to ignore hospitalisation.

To anyone reading this: please don't worry. I haven't killed myself yet and I've had suicidal thoughts for at least ten years. So don't try to track down my IP or anything. I'd appreciate suggestions instead, or comments.

ok, gtg