Jesus fucking Christ I'm sick of my life.
Nothing is going right and I don't know "what I want to do with my life."
A year ago, I told my doctor that I thought I was trans. I never ending up starting therapy, mostly because of my fears. (Oh, and I'm fucking lazy, too)
So nothing has come of that.
A year ago, I finished a university degree. It doesn't seem like I'm any closer to getting into a teaching program.
Plus, now I'm beginning to feel that maybe I don't want to be a teacher. Goddamn it, life is complicated.
I still feel just as trans, if that's what that is. Fuck. How am I supposed to know anything?
I never used to understand what the point of a suicide attempt was. I mean, if you want to die, just kill yourself already, instead of a half-hearted attempt. I'm talking about methods that are less likely to be successful, like cutting on wrists, swallowing a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, etc. Why not do something irreversible if you really want to die? Like hang yourself or jump off a tall building?
But people say that those kinds of suicide attempts are a cry for help. And now I understand that that's what it is, even if the attemptee doesn't know that. I think that people would do that because they want some help. See, if somebody wants help/attention, if they ask for it, they won't be taken seriously, or they worry that they won't be. But it's harder to ignore hospitalisation.
To anyone reading this: please don't worry. I haven't killed myself yet and I've had suicidal thoughts for at least ten years. So don't try to track down my IP or anything. I'd appreciate suggestions instead, or comments.