Saturday, January 10, 2009

kill me now

Jesus fucking Christ I'm sick of my life.

Nothing is going right and I don't know "what I want to do with my life."

A year ago, I told my doctor that I thought I was trans. I never ending up starting therapy, mostly because of my fears. (Oh, and I'm fucking lazy, too)

So nothing has come of that.

A year ago, I finished a university degree. It doesn't seem like I'm any closer to getting into a teaching program.

Plus, now I'm beginning to feel that maybe I don't want to be a teacher. Goddamn it, life is complicated.

I still feel just as trans, if that's what that is. Fuck. How am I supposed to know anything?

I never used to understand what the point of a suicide attempt was. I mean, if you want to die, just kill yourself already, instead of a half-hearted attempt. I'm talking about methods that are less likely to be successful, like cutting on wrists, swallowing a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, etc. Why not do something irreversible if you really want to die? Like hang yourself or jump off a tall building?

But people say that those kinds of suicide attempts are a cry for help. And now I understand that that's what it is, even if the attemptee doesn't know that. I think that people would do that because they want some help. See, if somebody wants help/attention, if they ask for it, they won't be taken seriously, or they worry that they won't be. But it's harder to ignore hospitalisation.

To anyone reading this: please don't worry. I haven't killed myself yet and I've had suicidal thoughts for at least ten years. So don't try to track down my IP or anything. I'd appreciate suggestions instead, or comments.

ok, gtg


VĂ©ronique said...

I never ending up starting therapy, mostly because of my fears. (Oh, and I'm fucking lazy, too)

My suggestion: talk to a therapist our counsellor with knowledge of TG issues. You say you haven't done it yet because of your fears. That just means you live with your fears every day. That's better? I don't think so. Talk to the right person. If you're afraid, just think of how much it sucks to live with those fears and not do anything about it.

I don't yet have my counselling certificate (close but not quite), but if you need to talk, I'll be happy to listen. We can arrange something.

Suzanne Clayton said...

Veronique is right. You should talk to someone about these feelings. It's no good to bottle it all in. Having suicidal thoughts for 10 years is not a good thing, even if you'd never seriously contemplated going through with it.

My position on suicide is this: if you ever feel so desperate that your life is unliveable and you want to kill yourself, you may as well just make some drastic change and try that first. Worst case, you can always go ahead with the suicide if it doesn't work out.

Even though it may feel that way sometimes, you're never really completely hopeless. You always have options.

Marie Soleil said...

You two are absolutely correct, of course.

I need to "suck it up sista" and do something so instead of this all just being something in my head that nobody knows about, it's something that I'm actively dealing with.

Because I'm not, at the moment.