Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fortnightly update

You know, when I make a post here, that's the result of an urge to post. Most often I feel like it, but I'm away from my computer, or I feel lazy, or whatever. I'm not claiming that I have these awesome great posts that I think about for days before writing. But this is just what I'm like in general. I often write angry letters to companies, blog posts, diary entries in my head, (occasionally even suicide notes - not recently, however) but little of that actually makes to to the written-down stage. I know I don't make coherent posts on one theme, but I'm writing. It's as much for me as for anyone else.

I just finished watching Marley & Me. I cried a lot, well for me. Normally when I cry during a movie (or T.V. - last time being the wedding episode "You are Cordially Invited" of Deep Space 9) it's just a "tearing up" type thing. This movie made me get to the "sniffly, runny nose" stage. I am definitely more emotional than I used to be. (I mean over the last ten years or so) Yet I'm still pretty cold-hearted. That does bother me somewhat. I think I used to suppress my emotions for whatever reason. I remember explaining to one of the staff at Bible school (about seven years ago) that I "didn't believe in feeling emotions." That seems silly no matter how you look at it, but that was how I felt. I was also jealous of Tuvok, because he was able to suppress his emotions. I have no idea why I felt like that. I'm speculating, but perhaps I thought it was expected as part of the "male role". Confusing.

I don't miss living with our dog (a yellow lab, just like in the movie) I didn't like that he was "always there" that we'd always need to take care of him daily. We couldn't go out overnight without organising somebody to look after him. (well at least letting him out and feeding him!) I hated that all my clothes were covered in hair. I should note at this point that I never wanted a dog. My ex (goddamn I hate to write that) wanted one and would have gotten him against my wishes. But at the same time I miss having somebody greet me at the door. Or somebody to cuddle with. It was in fact fun to spoon with our dog, or go on a BIKE RIDE OMG!

Since my last post, I have remembered something trans related from my childhood! I've had this blog since the end of 2007. Not sure why I'd remember something now. Anyway, I specifically remember wanting to "be a girl" to see what it was like. I can pinpoint this memory to roughly Grade 4 or 5, and that I specifically felt that I only wanted it to be for a day. (again "just to see what it was like")

I am drunk so anything else from this post might not make sense

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