Thursday, April 24, 2008

Clothes make the...

"When we are trying to reach the woman inside, sometimes clothes are her lifeline. But once we finally connect, the clothes are no longer necessary for her to feel alive." This is a quote from Diane Wilson's page, which is recommended, by the way.

I don't dress en femme anymore. I haven't since January when my wife came home from work two hours early with her dad on their way to coffee. I had literally just finished putting everything away and getting re-dressed in "normal" clothes for me. That was the day before I came out to her.

Why don't I dress anymore? Fear of getting caught is part of it. Another part of it is that when I do it, I just feel silly. I don't feel feminine, or "whole." I certainly don't get aroused. (Apparently that is a major reason for heterosexual men to cross-dress)

However, I am "drawn" to women's clothing. This is a new thing, starting only after I discovered my previously unconscious trans feelings. Instead of thinking or saying "those pants make her ass look nice," or commenting on aesthetics when asked by my wife, I wish I could wear them, or I think about a particular piece in a way that relates to me. i.e. would I wear it. My wife looked at the Mountain Equipment Co-op catalogue and laughed at the women's cycling skirts. I didn't tell her that I liked them. I'm also jealous of those that can wear women's clothing. Yes, I mean women.

What does any of this mean? I'm not sure. Reading other blogs and stuff on the Internet, I don't usually identify very well with the authors. I can't say that "I knew when I was five." I don't think to myself, "I'm a woman." Instead, the way I think aboout myself is more along the lines of "I'm confused."

1 comment:

Veronique said...

Hi Marie! It sounds like you haven't yet found someone at the Trans Health Centre or Three Bridges to help you. I hope you can make that happen. Meanwhile, I can't substitute for a trained counsellor, since I'm still in training, but I'm a good listener. If you were to want to meet up, I think that could be arranged.

Thanks for the quote from Diane Wilson. I can definitely identify with what she's saying.