I was asked to write an update by somebody I don't really know.
That's ok. It forced me to "take another baby step." I emailed back somebody from the Trans Health program asking about the procedures for getting therapy. The trans programs in Vancouver seem to be constantly changing names and what they do. So my doctor's referral letter went to fax heaven. I left a voicemail somewhere a month later and got one call back to my home number, and not to my cell number which I had also left on voicemail. Then I sent two emails to an email address which I had taken from some pamphlets. Finally, I found an email of a real live person from the program.
That last paragraph is misleading. It makes it seem like I've been aggressively pursuing this. I haven't really. I wait weeks in between phone calls or emails. Why? I'm afraid. I love my marriage. I don't want to lose it.
My "trans feelings" (wow that's an awkward phrase) haven't dissipated. I still think about them every day. Every time I need to go to a public washroom I look at the signs on both doors and wonder. Every time I see a pretty woman I'm jealous of her body and wonder if I like her clothes.
On the home front, we simply don't talk about it. This is simultaneously a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because it keeps things civil, with no crying or drama. Yet it is bad because we aren't discussing it as a couple. My wife is never going to accept or tolerate my transness(yes, I know that isn't a word) if we ignore it. I think it wouldn't be difficult to do that, to just ignore everything. But the way my newly discovered feelings and desires haven't changed suggests to me that I shouldn't ignore them. I still get called "daddy" which bothers me. But then we just went to a wedding and my wife asked me what I thought of the dress. We discussed it, and I even noticed that there was a train at the ceremony yet none at the reception. (perhaps it detached?) I wonder if my dear wife was thinking when she asked me about it. I started shaving my armpits in January after my last post. She asked why, and I said it looks nicer. I still do it.
Therapy is next. I think it is very important. I'm not able to figure out why I feel the way I do on my own.