This being out to my wife thing doesn't make anything easier. I'm relieved that I don't have to hide that secret, of course. Yet I have to watch what I say just as much. Also, my wife keeps bringing up negative things.
She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.
Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.
She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.
I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.
This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.
Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.