Friday, January 25, 2008

Miscellaneous being out stuff

This being out to my wife thing doesn't make anything easier. I'm relieved that I don't have to hide that secret, of course. Yet I have to watch what I say just as much. Also, my wife keeps bringing up negative things.

She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.

Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.

She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.

I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.

This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.

Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.

1 comment:

Justine said...

Hi, Marie Soleil. Each of our situations is different, but I can't help but notice similarities between your situation and mine about 10 months ago or so.

We went through the "are we still going to be together" thing. I told her that I wasn't going anywhere. She doesn't want to leave. The thing that could change that is if we reach a point where she feels very strongly that it's a bad situation for her and that she has to leave in order to look out for herself. We both hope it doesn't come to that.

It's fortunate for us that we use non-gender-specific pet names for each other. Out in public, yes, it's more difficult. When I'm explicitly presenting as female, my wife is usually good about my name and pronouns. She tries anyway. When I'm implicitly presenting as male, which I still do, I don't really expect her not to use male pronouns or to say things like "my husband." I haven't actually begun transition, and it will be a while before I reach the legal name change stage. This is in-between time for me.

My wife also wishes I would be happy with something less than full transition. I think that's only natural. I think she also realizes, however, that it's not what I really want or need.

I am also thinking about timing with regard to school, job, and career. I am presenting as female at school, and by the time I get my certificate I might well have a new legal name. So that's working fine. My hope is to be able to really start on my new career as Justine. In that way, my career change and life change might go together. Your own circumstances are probably somewhat different.

I was lucky that there was no objection to my doing laser hair removal on my face. My wife has never liked facial hair anyway. I might have done that even if I hadn't wanted to transition. Shaving sucks!