A bailiff visited me this evening to bring me a "writ of summons" a.k.a. divorce papers.
If I'm reading everything correctly, I can file paperwork within seven days to fight it. I think if I do nothing the divorce will happen.
I'm surprisingly not too upset about it right now. I realise I'm totally not over H, but I'm at about 50% acceptance of the fact that it's over. But I still get upset. A couple days ago I was looking at my boxes of children's books and I unexpectedly found flash cards that I had made in 2007. This made me cry. H had helped me study for the final. This is also significant because it was my last semester in my BA and also when I discovered my trans nature. (before H knew about it)
I am pleased to be getting over her, but it isn't easy.
--------------
On an unrelated note, I wish summer were over. I'm looking forward to being able to move out in September. I'll be working as much as possible on the night shift to help make this happen. I didn't bother to book vacation this year - first time since 2003. Since I'm part time, I don't get paid vacations, I just get a lump sum in January.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
relationships
No, I'm not in a "relationship." But I'd like to talk about different kinds of them.
I've written before that I'm really lonely. I believe that's due to two different kinds of relationships that I am missing in my life. The first is somebody to do stuff with. I don't mean dating. I mean somebody who would call me and ask if I wanted to do something in particular with them. Or somebody who would come over for fun: "we'll think of something to do." I'm tired of doing everything alone. I told my sister that I wasn't going to bring my Wii into my bedroom to hook up to my new home theatre. She pointed out that I'd have nobody to play it with. That is quite true. It's a group thing. And I've had a friend over exactly once since I moved here at the end of July. I just realised that today and felt sad.
The second is somebody to talk to. I could talk to my ex about anything save the topic of this blog. I am however, pleased to know one person that "knows all my secrets" and whom I can talk to about anything. But this isn't somebody that I could just call to go out for coffee to chat or whatever.
I've lost my best friend and I'm not ok with it. There's just nothing there any more, relationship-wise. I don't say anything personal to my ex even if she asks. I'm not going to share with her.
Now you might say, "oh, just get some new friends." That is easier said than done. I made every effort during the last semester to do things with my colleagues. These things were all drinking related, but I had fun. But there isn't one whom I could call for no reason. There's also a gender-related component to it, naturally. I don't connect emotionally with guys. Sure, I'll go camping or hiking. But you can only talk about trucks for so long. So I'd rather get some female friends. But I'm aware of the connotations. I act as male during daily life, so if I call up a female and suggest doing something, that sends a message that I wouldn't want to send. This is why I don't do things with the aforementioned friend I can share anything with. It would be difficult to relay the message that I'm not interested romantically if I call a girl to do something.
On a romantic relationship note, I made a small decision. My next relationship (probably not for some time, of course) is going to be more equal. In my marriage, I didn't get to help make any decisions. Where we went for our honeymoon, vacations, which house we bought, these things were not my decision. We got a dog (and later a stray dog) that I explicitly said I did not want. Nobody would have ever said that I "wore the pants" in the relationship. I'm ok with that, but I think it would be better to be more egalitarian. I suppose I am a pushover. I'm concerned with making people happy.
all for now!
I've written before that I'm really lonely. I believe that's due to two different kinds of relationships that I am missing in my life. The first is somebody to do stuff with. I don't mean dating. I mean somebody who would call me and ask if I wanted to do something in particular with them. Or somebody who would come over for fun: "we'll think of something to do." I'm tired of doing everything alone. I told my sister that I wasn't going to bring my Wii into my bedroom to hook up to my new home theatre. She pointed out that I'd have nobody to play it with. That is quite true. It's a group thing. And I've had a friend over exactly once since I moved here at the end of July. I just realised that today and felt sad.
The second is somebody to talk to. I could talk to my ex about anything save the topic of this blog. I am however, pleased to know one person that "knows all my secrets" and whom I can talk to about anything. But this isn't somebody that I could just call to go out for coffee to chat or whatever.
I've lost my best friend and I'm not ok with it. There's just nothing there any more, relationship-wise. I don't say anything personal to my ex even if she asks. I'm not going to share with her.
Now you might say, "oh, just get some new friends." That is easier said than done. I made every effort during the last semester to do things with my colleagues. These things were all drinking related, but I had fun. But there isn't one whom I could call for no reason. There's also a gender-related component to it, naturally. I don't connect emotionally with guys. Sure, I'll go camping or hiking. But you can only talk about trucks for so long. So I'd rather get some female friends. But I'm aware of the connotations. I act as male during daily life, so if I call up a female and suggest doing something, that sends a message that I wouldn't want to send. This is why I don't do things with the aforementioned friend I can share anything with. It would be difficult to relay the message that I'm not interested romantically if I call a girl to do something.
On a romantic relationship note, I made a small decision. My next relationship (probably not for some time, of course) is going to be more equal. In my marriage, I didn't get to help make any decisions. Where we went for our honeymoon, vacations, which house we bought, these things were not my decision. We got a dog (and later a stray dog) that I explicitly said I did not want. Nobody would have ever said that I "wore the pants" in the relationship. I'm ok with that, but I think it would be better to be more egalitarian. I suppose I am a pushover. I'm concerned with making people happy.
all for now!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
oh wow
There's been an incredible flurry of activity this month that I ought to blog about. I'm not sure how far I get in this post, but I'll try.
I came home from vacation at the beginning of the month. (My wife and I often take separate vacations in addition to shared ones.) Literally right away after I came into the house, my wife sat me down to talk. I was obviously quite taken aback. Here's what she said:
She said that there were two big issues that were bothering her. The first was that she had decided that she wanted a kid, and that I didn't want any. The second issue was my transgender identity crisis. Over the next few days, I learned that she was worried that no matter what happened about my trans feelings, that they would resurface later. I stated that I'd be willing to flex on the child issue, but that obviously I couldn't promise anything about the other one. She has since said that she could flex on the child issue.
So I'm convinced that the trans thing is the big deal. I cannot blame any spouse for thinking that it's a deal breaker. When you marry, it certainly isn't anything you imagine when you vow "in sickness and in health." It would be unreasonable for anyone to think that staying with a trans partner is equal to something like staying with a partner through cancer, or recovery after a stroke. I can't fault her for deciding that it's a deal breaker.
This is what I done since this crisis started:
1. moved to a different room of the house
2. the next day I made an appointment for therapy
3. told my sister, parents, and a married couple that I've been friends with for ages
4. started therapy
5. prepared to move out
These are all big things. It feels like this is happening too fast. But I can't stay in this house. My marriage is over and I can't pretend that it isn't. This has been a "wake-up call" to start therapy, something I should have done a year ago. This is hard evidence that trying to ignore my trans feelings is impossible. Trying to ignore hasn't worked. I'd been thinking about it every day, and so had my wife. She reached a decision, and I doubt I could have done something that would have altered it.
Why did I tell people? The two reasons were that my wife had told her parents and a couple friends, and that I had to explain why my marriage is ending. I supposed I felt like I had to, but I don't see it as a negative that people other than my wife know. I wouldn't want acquaintances or co-workers to know, but I think it's good that the people in life I'm closest to know. I have people I can talk to now if I need to.
I told my younger sister first. I'm relatively close to her, and I wanted to tell her first to get somebody's reaction to help me judge how others might react. Then I told my parents. Surprisingly, there were no overt tears.(I was able to hold mine back!) They did not appear emotional; in fact, they took the news well. One thing that made it easier to tell them was the fact that I had an appointment for therapy booked. They were, however, suspicious that a therapist with experience in gender identity would have a bias. I attempted to assuage their suspicions, but I clearly failed. My mom approached me a two weeks later and suggested seeing somebody else. She suggested some therapy chain called "Trinity" something or other, which was enough for me to dismiss it right away due to the clearly Christian name. Then she suggested a local psychologist who was "probably Christian, but you wouldn't know it." Obviously, I said again that it's best to see a specialist. They probably fear that a specialist has some sort of agenda in making more transsexuals or something.
Finally, I told two of my friends (a married couple) that I've known since high school. My dad had recommended not telling many people since society isn't very tolerant of "sexual differences." I was surprised at how insightful he was. ( I didn't want to keep correcting him when he said "sex" instead of "gender") It was good to tell my friends, just so they know what I'm going through.
So how was therapy? Well, I have no basis for comparison, since I haven't had any kind of therapy before. I think it went well. I found my therapist by googling. She's in downtown Vancouver. I really dislike driving into Vancouver, but that's where the specialists are going to be, due to a much larger population. (I live "in the Valley") Anyways, one appointment isn't enough to get through everything (I have another one scheduled for early August), but I think we got through the basics. She noted that suddenly being confronted by gender issues(as opposed to feeling them when a child) isn't unheard. Hearing that made me happy. I do read other blogs and websites, and many transpeople say that they had trans feelings at a very young age. She suggested two blogs to visit, both of which were already in my blogroll!!!
Apparently I am not in touch with my feelings.(I already knew that) I stated that while growing up, I wasn't encouraged to share them. I don't mean that I was actively discouraged, (for example, I don't remember my dad telling me to "man up" when I cried) but I simply wasn't encouraged. Expressing and being aware of my emotions is something that I need to work on.(any advice, anyone?) Another thing she suggested was trying out Second Life. I never had tried it.
One embarrassing thing happened on the way out. I'm from a smaller town, so I'm not used to big buildings. The door leading to the street was locked when I came down from my appointment. So I was pretty confused. There was a button near the door labelled "exit", so I pressed it, expecting the door to pop open automatically. Nothing happened, so I pressed it a couple more times, pulling and pushing on both doors. After literally 60 seconds, a Vancouver Police Department cruiser showed up. Apparently the trick was to press the button, then immediately push open one of the doors. The two officers were there because of an alarm(was it from me trying to get out?), so they wanted to see my identification. Luckily, I also had the therapist's business card.
So that pretty much sums up July so far. Here's what's is going to happen in the near future:
-I'm going to move out of this house as soon as I can. I'll be moving in with my sister, in my parents' old house, in my old room.
-I will continue with therapy.
-I'll hope to get in to the teaching program at SFU for January. My chances are much improved since I improved my mark on a particular test I had to take.
-I'm going to be more active in the TG world. I'll try to blog a couple times a week. I'll start posting on MHB. I would also like to meet some TG people, just to talk to.
One more thing:
Since I figured out my marriage is over, my suicidal thoughts literally disappeared. At the same time, I was anxious to begin therapy. I don't wish to say that being married was making me have suicidal thoughts. But perhaps at some level I am beginning to see "the light at the end of the tunnel." I think I am discovering hope.
I came home from vacation at the beginning of the month. (My wife and I often take separate vacations in addition to shared ones.) Literally right away after I came into the house, my wife sat me down to talk. I was obviously quite taken aback. Here's what she said:
She said that there were two big issues that were bothering her. The first was that she had decided that she wanted a kid, and that I didn't want any. The second issue was my transgender identity crisis. Over the next few days, I learned that she was worried that no matter what happened about my trans feelings, that they would resurface later. I stated that I'd be willing to flex on the child issue, but that obviously I couldn't promise anything about the other one. She has since said that she could flex on the child issue.
So I'm convinced that the trans thing is the big deal. I cannot blame any spouse for thinking that it's a deal breaker. When you marry, it certainly isn't anything you imagine when you vow "in sickness and in health." It would be unreasonable for anyone to think that staying with a trans partner is equal to something like staying with a partner through cancer, or recovery after a stroke. I can't fault her for deciding that it's a deal breaker.
This is what I done since this crisis started:
1. moved to a different room of the house
2. the next day I made an appointment for therapy
3. told my sister, parents, and a married couple that I've been friends with for ages
4. started therapy
5. prepared to move out
These are all big things. It feels like this is happening too fast. But I can't stay in this house. My marriage is over and I can't pretend that it isn't. This has been a "wake-up call" to start therapy, something I should have done a year ago. This is hard evidence that trying to ignore my trans feelings is impossible. Trying to ignore hasn't worked. I'd been thinking about it every day, and so had my wife. She reached a decision, and I doubt I could have done something that would have altered it.
Why did I tell people? The two reasons were that my wife had told her parents and a couple friends, and that I had to explain why my marriage is ending. I supposed I felt like I had to, but I don't see it as a negative that people other than my wife know. I wouldn't want acquaintances or co-workers to know, but I think it's good that the people in life I'm closest to know. I have people I can talk to now if I need to.
I told my younger sister first. I'm relatively close to her, and I wanted to tell her first to get somebody's reaction to help me judge how others might react. Then I told my parents. Surprisingly, there were no overt tears.(I was able to hold mine back!) They did not appear emotional; in fact, they took the news well. One thing that made it easier to tell them was the fact that I had an appointment for therapy booked. They were, however, suspicious that a therapist with experience in gender identity would have a bias. I attempted to assuage their suspicions, but I clearly failed. My mom approached me a two weeks later and suggested seeing somebody else. She suggested some therapy chain called "Trinity" something or other, which was enough for me to dismiss it right away due to the clearly Christian name. Then she suggested a local psychologist who was "probably Christian, but you wouldn't know it." Obviously, I said again that it's best to see a specialist. They probably fear that a specialist has some sort of agenda in making more transsexuals or something.
Finally, I told two of my friends (a married couple) that I've known since high school. My dad had recommended not telling many people since society isn't very tolerant of "sexual differences." I was surprised at how insightful he was. ( I didn't want to keep correcting him when he said "sex" instead of "gender") It was good to tell my friends, just so they know what I'm going through.
So how was therapy? Well, I have no basis for comparison, since I haven't had any kind of therapy before. I think it went well. I found my therapist by googling. She's in downtown Vancouver. I really dislike driving into Vancouver, but that's where the specialists are going to be, due to a much larger population. (I live "in the Valley") Anyways, one appointment isn't enough to get through everything (I have another one scheduled for early August), but I think we got through the basics. She noted that suddenly being confronted by gender issues(as opposed to feeling them when a child) isn't unheard. Hearing that made me happy. I do read other blogs and websites, and many transpeople say that they had trans feelings at a very young age. She suggested two blogs to visit, both of which were already in my blogroll!!!
Apparently I am not in touch with my feelings.(I already knew that) I stated that while growing up, I wasn't encouraged to share them. I don't mean that I was actively discouraged, (for example, I don't remember my dad telling me to "man up" when I cried) but I simply wasn't encouraged. Expressing and being aware of my emotions is something that I need to work on.(any advice, anyone?) Another thing she suggested was trying out Second Life. I never had tried it.
One embarrassing thing happened on the way out. I'm from a smaller town, so I'm not used to big buildings. The door leading to the street was locked when I came down from my appointment. So I was pretty confused. There was a button near the door labelled "exit", so I pressed it, expecting the door to pop open automatically. Nothing happened, so I pressed it a couple more times, pulling and pushing on both doors. After literally 60 seconds, a Vancouver Police Department cruiser showed up. Apparently the trick was to press the button, then immediately push open one of the doors. The two officers were there because of an alarm(was it from me trying to get out?), so they wanted to see my identification. Luckily, I also had the therapist's business card.
So that pretty much sums up July so far. Here's what's is going to happen in the near future:
-I'm going to move out of this house as soon as I can. I'll be moving in with my sister, in my parents' old house, in my old room.
-I will continue with therapy.
-I'll hope to get in to the teaching program at SFU for January. My chances are much improved since I improved my mark on a particular test I had to take.
-I'm going to be more active in the TG world. I'll try to blog a couple times a week. I'll start posting on MHB. I would also like to meet some TG people, just to talk to.
One more thing:
Since I figured out my marriage is over, my suicidal thoughts literally disappeared. At the same time, I was anxious to begin therapy. I don't wish to say that being married was making me have suicidal thoughts. But perhaps at some level I am beginning to see "the light at the end of the tunnel." I think I am discovering hope.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Misc thoughts
So I read Suzanne's entire blog last night. Actually it was technically this morning.
Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.
I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.
I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.
More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.
Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.
Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.
Masculinity vs. Femininity
I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.
I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.
I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.
Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.
This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.
Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.
I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.
I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.
More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.
Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.
Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.
Masculinity vs. Femininity
I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.
I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.
I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.
Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.
This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Miscellaneous being out stuff
This being out to my wife thing doesn't make anything easier. I'm relieved that I don't have to hide that secret, of course. Yet I have to watch what I say just as much. Also, my wife keeps bringing up negative things.
She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.
Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.
She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.
I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.
This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.
Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.
She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.
Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.
She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.
I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.
This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.
Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Outed
The phone call from the doctor's office outed me on Thursday. My wife wanted to know why they were calling. (They wanted to tell me how long I had to wait for an appointment, 6-8 weeks) I didn't want to explain, and didn't right away. But half an hour later, I came into the living room to explain.
I avoided using any word that starts with "trans." I instead said that I was gender-confused. She had difficulty understanding the difference between gender and sex; she asserted that they were inextricably linked. I don't think I did the best job explaining myself, but I did the best I could. She took it as well as could be expected; not well. I tried to get across how I was feeling, but I failed. She cried some. She's scared of losing me, which I can understand. I can't deny that she did marry a man, and that I'm talking about possibly not being one anymore. I did tried to reiterate that I'm just as attracted to her as I was when we married, and that I have no intention of leaving her. I felt sad for hurting her, but relieved that I don't have to keep the secret anymore. As I've already said, we're pretty open with each other.
I'm "not allowed" to "get a sex change" or "grow boobs," according to her. I didn't mention other steps I could do, like electrolysis. However, she did say the next day that she thinks that therapy is a good idea, and she realises that a therapist isn't going to convince me to do anything.
This next paragraph may fall into the TMI category. On Friday, the day after I shared "this stuff" with my wife, during another conversation about it, she mentioned that she had stopped taken the pill in hopes of improving her sex drive. I must point out that previous to then we'd been having sex once each cycle. Well, we had sex right then, and then once again when we went to bed. (With protection, of course!) The next day we had sex again during the day, and "fooled around" when we went to bed. There hasn't been that much sex in our marriage since the wedding night! And she wanted to do woman on top sex(my preferred position), which she hasn't wanted to do for a year or so. The timing is clearly suspicious... Also, when we were having sex, I obviously enjoyed the feeling. But I also felt something else. When I put my hands around her body when it was on top of mine, I felt jealous, of her female silhouette. I want one of my own and I don't know why.
I avoided using any word that starts with "trans." I instead said that I was gender-confused. She had difficulty understanding the difference between gender and sex; she asserted that they were inextricably linked. I don't think I did the best job explaining myself, but I did the best I could. She took it as well as could be expected; not well. I tried to get across how I was feeling, but I failed. She cried some. She's scared of losing me, which I can understand. I can't deny that she did marry a man, and that I'm talking about possibly not being one anymore. I did tried to reiterate that I'm just as attracted to her as I was when we married, and that I have no intention of leaving her. I felt sad for hurting her, but relieved that I don't have to keep the secret anymore. As I've already said, we're pretty open with each other.
I'm "not allowed" to "get a sex change" or "grow boobs," according to her. I didn't mention other steps I could do, like electrolysis. However, she did say the next day that she thinks that therapy is a good idea, and she realises that a therapist isn't going to convince me to do anything.
This next paragraph may fall into the TMI category. On Friday, the day after I shared "this stuff" with my wife, during another conversation about it, she mentioned that she had stopped taken the pill in hopes of improving her sex drive. I must point out that previous to then we'd been having sex once each cycle. Well, we had sex right then, and then once again when we went to bed. (With protection, of course!) The next day we had sex again during the day, and "fooled around" when we went to bed. There hasn't been that much sex in our marriage since the wedding night! And she wanted to do woman on top sex(my preferred position), which she hasn't wanted to do for a year or so. The timing is clearly suspicious... Also, when we were having sex, I obviously enjoyed the feeling. But I also felt something else. When I put my hands around her body when it was on top of mine, I felt jealous, of her female silhouette. I want one of my own and I don't know why.
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