Outed

The phone call from the doctor's office outed me on Thursday. My wife wanted to know why they were calling. (They wanted to tell me how long I had to wait for an appointment, 6-8 weeks) I didn't want to explain, and didn't right away. But half an hour later, I came into the living room to explain.

I avoided using any word that starts with "trans." I instead said that I was gender-confused. She had difficulty understanding the difference between gender and sex; she asserted that they were inextricably linked. I don't think I did the best job explaining myself, but I did the best I could. She took it as well as could be expected; not well. I tried to get across how I was feeling, but I failed. She cried some. She's scared of losing me, which I can understand. I can't deny that she did marry a man, and that I'm talking about possibly not being one anymore. I did tried to reiterate that I'm just as attracted to her as I was when we married, and that I have no intention of leaving her. I felt sad for hurting her, but relieved that I don't have to keep the secret anymore. As I've already said, we're pretty open with each other.

I'm "not allowed" to "get a sex change" or "grow boobs," according to her. I didn't mention other steps I could do, like electrolysis. However, she did say the next day that she thinks that therapy is a good idea, and she realises that a therapist isn't going to convince me to do anything.

This next paragraph may fall into the TMI category. On Friday, the day after I shared "this stuff" with my wife, during another conversation about it, she mentioned that she had stopped taken the pill in hopes of improving her sex drive. I must point out that previous to then we'd been having sex once each cycle. Well, we had sex right then, and then once again when we went to bed. (With protection, of course!) The next day we had sex again during the day, and "fooled around" when we went to bed. There hasn't been that much sex in our marriage since the wedding night! And she wanted to do woman on top sex(my preferred position), which she hasn't wanted to do for a year or so. The timing is clearly suspicious... Also, when we were having sex, I obviously enjoyed the feeling. But I also felt something else. When I put my hands around her body when it was on top of mine, I felt jealous, of her female silhouette. I want one of my own and I don't know why.

List #1

Things I need to find out:

- In British Columbia, do I need to pay for my own therapy? Or will my normal doctor just refer me to a therapist and MSP pays for it all? I could afford it myself, but I need to save up as much as I can for school.

- How long should I wait before coming out to my wife?

- How attached is everybody to the idea of me as a man? I'm certainly the least manly of my friends and nobody thinks the less of me for it?

- If I try out electrolysis, is my face going to look funny and red from it? Or just look mildly irritated?

- Do real men (TM), love their penises? I've never felt affinity for mine, aside from when it provided sexual release.

That's the list for now.

Misc: Over the past year or so, I've become resentful of my libido. There was an episode of House in which a young man tries to get Dr. House to prescribe Depo-Provera to kill his sex drive because he was attracted to his step-mom. When I watched it, I felt like I wanted that too. The airdate was March 7, 2006, so perhaps these feelings have been growing subconsciously for some time. It's hard to tell. Maybe I just recently became aware of them.

Masturbation has felt like a chore for years. That is, it feels like it is just necessary to temporarily get rid off my sex drive. I don't take longer than what is necessary, just until "release" is attained.

Actual sex is infrequent. My wife's desire for it has diminished over the past 18 months. In some ways it is disappointing, but in other ways it is fortunate. I've never felt like a good lover who can satisfy her. (Sorry, TMI, but it's my blog) So, I have to be sure that my newfound desire to be a woman is not because sometimes I feel like an "homme raté." (failed man) That would be a poor reason to take any irreversible action if it were the sole one.