Thursday, December 31, 2009

relationships

No, I'm not in a "relationship." But I'd like to talk about different kinds of them.

I've written before that I'm really lonely. I believe that's due to two different kinds of relationships that I am missing in my life. The first is somebody to do stuff with. I don't mean dating. I mean somebody who would call me and ask if I wanted to do something in particular with them. Or somebody who would come over for fun: "we'll think of something to do." I'm tired of doing everything alone. I told my sister that I wasn't going to bring my Wii into my bedroom to hook up to my new home theatre. She pointed out that I'd have nobody to play it with. That is quite true. It's a group thing. And I've had a friend over exactly once since I moved here at the end of July. I just realised that today and felt sad.

The second is somebody to talk to. I could talk to my ex about anything save the topic of this blog. I am however, pleased to know one person that "knows all my secrets" and whom I can talk to about anything. But this isn't somebody that I could just call to go out for coffee to chat or whatever.

I've lost my best friend and I'm not ok with it. There's just nothing there any more, relationship-wise. I don't say anything personal to my ex even if she asks. I'm not going to share with her.

Now you might say, "oh, just get some new friends." That is easier said than done. I made every effort during the last semester to do things with my colleagues. These things were all drinking related, but I had fun. But there isn't one whom I could call for no reason. There's also a gender-related component to it, naturally. I don't connect emotionally with guys. Sure, I'll go camping or hiking. But you can only talk about trucks for so long. So I'd rather get some female friends. But I'm aware of the connotations. I act as male during daily life, so if I call up a female and suggest doing something, that sends a message that I wouldn't want to send. This is why I don't do things with the aforementioned friend I can share anything with. It would be difficult to relay the message that I'm not interested romantically if I call a girl to do something.

On a romantic relationship note, I made a small decision. My next relationship (probably not for some time, of course) is going to be more equal. In my marriage, I didn't get to help make any decisions. Where we went for our honeymoon, vacations, which house we bought, these things were not my decision. We got a dog (and later a stray dog) that I explicitly said I did not want. Nobody would have ever said that I "wore the pants" in the relationship. I'm ok with that, but I think it would be better to be more egalitarian. I suppose I am a pushover. I'm concerned with making people happy.

all for now!

1 comment:

VĂ©ronique said...

I'm too old to be a chum you just hang out with, but you know I'm a good listener, and I've heard much of it already. If you need someone to tell anything to, without making an appointment, that's me.

One thing that's probably difficult is that you still have to present as male. That's how you chose to go through school. I did most of my school presenting as female, and I still have female friends from that time. Not close, but people I keep up with. Male friends too! It was just so much better when I was so much more comfortable.

If you don't have my number any more, look me up or send me an email. K?