Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm lonely

Like the title says, I'm lonely. I don't mean in a romantic sense. Logically, of course, being involved romantically would be unwise. Today my new teacher at my new school for my new practicum starting in January asked me if I had any "obligations" at "home", so I pretty much had to tell her "no, I'm separated." Oddly enough she didn't seem really comfortable speaking French with me. She said it's the first time she's had a "boy" student teacher. I did not say anything other than to point out that that is obvious; French teachers tend to be female. Hopefully she does not treat me differently because she thinks I'm male. (hey, I was wearing a really nice shirt in between pink/purple that I bought at H&M yesterday)

Anyway back to the loneliness thing. I wish I had friends that I could reliably call up to do something with. The weekend before last, I invited my best male friend (he happens to be single) to come over to play Guitar Hero. This was at six o'clock. He said he was too tired. WHAT THE FUCK! this guy is so flakey. Plus I would never try to talk to him about emotional stuff. Jesus, it was Friday night, what the fuck did he have to do the next day? I just went through my cellphone phonebook. Not including duplicates, I have 15 people listed. There is no one that I could call just to do something. This makes me sad; I just started to tear up. Either they live to far away or they are female. Obviously if you are reading a trans blog you are probably aware of gender issues, but a genetic male *can't* call up a female to ask to just hang out. I wish that weren't the case. On Tuesday, I saw New Moon alone again for a second time. There is nobody that I could ask to go with me. (I suppose my sister might've, but she's a youth leader. Yeah, all my family is religious except for me, the heathen. oh you think they know? I have no idea. They must know that I don't go to church but they don't bother asking me why not. Do you think my parents or younger sister have talked to me about my "trans"ness since I came out to them at the beginning of fucking JULY? of course fucking not. They don't know I've had three laser treatments at that I've been on hormones for six weeks or so. I'm not exactly going to share that shit out of the blue. "what did you do today?" "oh, I got my third laser hair removal treatment, I'm taking steps towards transitioning." Yeah fucking right. I'm sure they'd judge me, but it does bother me that they don't seem to care. I was fairly clear that my being trans was the main reason for my failed marriage. (well I didn't say any word starting in "T" I just said that "I have gender issues and described it a little") Goddamn. None of my family or "friends" even bothers to ask why I do not go to church. Aren't they supposed to be concerned for my "soul"? (yeah of course there is no such thing). If somebody would ask me a direct question I would not lie, such as if somebody asked me, "why have you stopped going to church?" Do you think anyone ever has? Nope. I guarantee that I'm on tonnes of prayer lists. But why doesn't anyone talk to me? No idea. I suppose they don't know what to say. So fucking what. I will be honest in response to most questions unless they are from my ex. She is sort of under the impression that I'm trans due to hormonal imbalance(I said I had been to an endocrinologist.) Well little does she know that my hormonal balance is improving due to my medication! Like I'm going to share shit with her! Fuck, it's horrible working with her there. (Today, at a mini-meeting type thing our company has she was sitting beside her new fucking boyfriend. Earlier this year we would have been sitting together. I'm glad that I will only be working there five days a week until January 4th. ) I wish I had friends. I wish I could call someone and say, "Hey, I'm watching Hackers, wanna come over?" But I don't have anyone like that. My school friends live far away. I tried inviting people over (I copied six people in an email) to my house because my sister and bro-in-law weren't going to be home that evening/morning. I think, my reader(s), that you can guess how many people came. I got five "sorry, can't come" and one non-response.) Over the past few months, I've been trying to go to as many parties with the "party" crew from school as possible. This is an attempt to quell my loneliness, which is partially successful.

Basically most of my loneliness is just wanting "friends." I would prefer female friends; I can only talk about trucks for so long... But the other 30% is physical contact. The spironolactone and hormones have removed my normal "libido." However, I still crave physical contact. That's another reason I have been going to these bars with my new friends. Drunk hugs from friends/girl I have a crush on are better than hugs from family on holidays/special occasions.

Fucking "sigh."

Yes I am fucking drunk.

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