Thursday, April 24, 2008

What if?

Actually, that's the only Creed song that I like.

Sorry, very lame joke. I'm not a funny person.

This is something that's been bothering me. What if my trans feelings neither diminish nor grow? As it stands now, I can't honestly say that I'm 100% convinced that I have GID. Yet I haven't noticed my feelings become less conscious.

I don't want to be in this middle place. It has not yet become unbearable because I know that I'm still early in this "process." I don't think I can feel like this for the rest of my life.

My sex drive is still bothering and annoying me. I feel silly for pawing at my wife all the time, yet I'm driven to do so. After each time we have sex (down to once every one or two weeks) I swear to myself that I will not try to iniate. I fail miserably after two or three days. I have noticed that I've become the "cuddly" one in the relationship. Yet we can't cuddle or make out for long before Mr pokey makes his presence know. I wish I could control that. Spiro would help, but I couldn't get a prescription for unwanted sex-drive.

Since I appear to be on the theme of what's bothering me: I still don't like be referred to using a male word. It has become natural to avoid referring to myself that way. Yet my wife doesn't avoid it. I hate it when she tells our dog to "go see daddy." I hate it when she says that I'm a "good hubby." I think we're going to have to have a talk sometime. I've been pretty much avoiding one for a while.

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