My thoughts have been going up and down recently. There's this feeling of discouragement that comes and goes.
My last post was during one of those "down" times. The next day, I felt even worse, and was going to write another post wondering how I could feel worse than the previous day. But then the next day I felt better, and during the next two my mood continued to be decent. Today, I'm back at the bottom. I just feel hopeless and discouraged. Hopefully that will improve soon.
Here's what I think is going on:
I think I felt better for those three days because of "escapism". On Friday I spent a fun day in Seattle with my older sister. On Saturday I went camping overnight with a couple friends. Finally, on Sunday I went on a bike tour with my sister. During all the time I didn't really think of the issues listed at the top of the last post. That isn't to say nothing crossed my mind, but rather that I wasn't thinking of them constantly. I hardly thought of school, work, etc. (although I did have to think of gender issues at each bathroom stop)
Obviously it isn't useful to avoid my issues. They need to be dealt with, not ignored. The status quo doesn't make me happy, but it is easier in some regards. For example, not dealing with my GD would mean that I didn't have to actively "do anything." This would be "simpler" than therapy, doing hard thinking about transition, etc. But now that I've recognized that I need to get my life in order, I need to make changes. We'll see what that entails.
On a not quite unrelated note: I feel horrible living here, in my old bedroom, with my younger sister and her new husband. First of all, it's my old room, so it feels like I'm 18 again. Second, it's noisy living under the kitchen in this unfinished room. While it does have a door, it doesn't have a ceiling, just the bottom of the floor. I can hear everything. Finally, I feel like I'm imposing on them. They're a newly married couple, and they deserve privacy. I think that these things will factor into my decision about living here and commuting vs. moving closer to school. (By the way, right now I'm planning on trying to commute for September. Perhaps I'll find somebody in my program that could use a roommate.