This being out to my wife thing doesn't make anything easier. I'm relieved that I don't have to hide that secret, of course. Yet I have to watch what I say just as much. Also, my wife keeps bringing up negative things.
She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.
Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.
She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.
I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.
This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.
Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Outed
The phone call from the doctor's office outed me on Thursday. My wife wanted to know why they were calling. (They wanted to tell me how long I had to wait for an appointment, 6-8 weeks) I didn't want to explain, and didn't right away. But half an hour later, I came into the living room to explain.
I avoided using any word that starts with "trans." I instead said that I was gender-confused. She had difficulty understanding the difference between gender and sex; she asserted that they were inextricably linked. I don't think I did the best job explaining myself, but I did the best I could. She took it as well as could be expected; not well. I tried to get across how I was feeling, but I failed. She cried some. She's scared of losing me, which I can understand. I can't deny that she did marry a man, and that I'm talking about possibly not being one anymore. I did tried to reiterate that I'm just as attracted to her as I was when we married, and that I have no intention of leaving her. I felt sad for hurting her, but relieved that I don't have to keep the secret anymore. As I've already said, we're pretty open with each other.
I'm "not allowed" to "get a sex change" or "grow boobs," according to her. I didn't mention other steps I could do, like electrolysis. However, she did say the next day that she thinks that therapy is a good idea, and she realises that a therapist isn't going to convince me to do anything.
This next paragraph may fall into the TMI category. On Friday, the day after I shared "this stuff" with my wife, during another conversation about it, she mentioned that she had stopped taken the pill in hopes of improving her sex drive. I must point out that previous to then we'd been having sex once each cycle. Well, we had sex right then, and then once again when we went to bed. (With protection, of course!) The next day we had sex again during the day, and "fooled around" when we went to bed. There hasn't been that much sex in our marriage since the wedding night! And she wanted to do woman on top sex(my preferred position), which she hasn't wanted to do for a year or so. The timing is clearly suspicious... Also, when we were having sex, I obviously enjoyed the feeling. But I also felt something else. When I put my hands around her body when it was on top of mine, I felt jealous, of her female silhouette. I want one of my own and I don't know why.
I avoided using any word that starts with "trans." I instead said that I was gender-confused. She had difficulty understanding the difference between gender and sex; she asserted that they were inextricably linked. I don't think I did the best job explaining myself, but I did the best I could. She took it as well as could be expected; not well. I tried to get across how I was feeling, but I failed. She cried some. She's scared of losing me, which I can understand. I can't deny that she did marry a man, and that I'm talking about possibly not being one anymore. I did tried to reiterate that I'm just as attracted to her as I was when we married, and that I have no intention of leaving her. I felt sad for hurting her, but relieved that I don't have to keep the secret anymore. As I've already said, we're pretty open with each other.
I'm "not allowed" to "get a sex change" or "grow boobs," according to her. I didn't mention other steps I could do, like electrolysis. However, she did say the next day that she thinks that therapy is a good idea, and she realises that a therapist isn't going to convince me to do anything.
This next paragraph may fall into the TMI category. On Friday, the day after I shared "this stuff" with my wife, during another conversation about it, she mentioned that she had stopped taken the pill in hopes of improving her sex drive. I must point out that previous to then we'd been having sex once each cycle. Well, we had sex right then, and then once again when we went to bed. (With protection, of course!) The next day we had sex again during the day, and "fooled around" when we went to bed. There hasn't been that much sex in our marriage since the wedding night! And she wanted to do woman on top sex(my preferred position), which she hasn't wanted to do for a year or so. The timing is clearly suspicious... Also, when we were having sex, I obviously enjoyed the feeling. But I also felt something else. When I put my hands around her body when it was on top of mine, I felt jealous, of her female silhouette. I want one of my own and I don't know why.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Moving along
I saw my GP today.
I was hoping to get some kind of referral or direction to get into therapy. So, I obviously had to explain why. When the medical office assistant asked the reason for my visit, I said that it was private", and she accepted that. So, when I told my doctor that the reason I wanted therapy was because I thought I might be transsexual, he didn't even blink. He asked similar questions as what he would ask if my knee were hurting me. I was very impressed. He's in his mid sixties at least, and this is a federal riding that always votes Conservative. He didn't seem uncomfortable asking if I had ever been in a "gay relationship." He even used the word "transition" in a sentence.
He took notes based on what I said and he's going to send a letter to the Gender Dysphoria clinic at Vancouver General. So, that sounds promising. Somehow, I'll get some therapy. This is the only time in my life during which I strongly feel that therapy is necessary. Benjamin Standards aside, I cannot deal with this on my own. I'm too confused, and this is a major issue.
I was hoping to get some kind of referral or direction to get into therapy. So, I obviously had to explain why. When the medical office assistant asked the reason for my visit, I said that it was private", and she accepted that. So, when I told my doctor that the reason I wanted therapy was because I thought I might be transsexual, he didn't even blink. He asked similar questions as what he would ask if my knee were hurting me. I was very impressed. He's in his mid sixties at least, and this is a federal riding that always votes Conservative. He didn't seem uncomfortable asking if I had ever been in a "gay relationship." He even used the word "transition" in a sentence.
He took notes based on what I said and he's going to send a letter to the Gender Dysphoria clinic at Vancouver General. So, that sounds promising. Somehow, I'll get some therapy. This is the only time in my life during which I strongly feel that therapy is necessary. Benjamin Standards aside, I cannot deal with this on my own. I'm too confused, and this is a major issue.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I'm making steps.
I called my GP's office this morning and got an appointment for next week. When I visit, I'll ask for a referral to a therapist whose number I have. Which brings me to an interesting thing I wanted to talk about.
Yesterday I called the number of the therapist directly. I only had two initials and a last name. As I didn't know whether the therapist was a "doctor", I found it very difficult to ask for an appointment. I tried used "therapist lastname" and the secretary said "oh, do you mean "firstname lastname." The first name given was a unisex name, about 75% female. So, I said, "yes, her," but of course I was wrong. That's interesting about language; how we have no choice but to use gender markers. In English, I think singular "they" is on its way to becoming ubiquitous. In my lifetime, you'll be able to use it without being agrammatical.
Anyway, I wasn't allowed an appointment without a referral, so I'll try to get one. This therapist was at the Ministry of Children and family or something like that. So, hopefully I'm not too old. Since it is a government place perhaps the waiting list will be too long. I'd like to visit a therapist with a month or a month and a half. If I have to spend my own money, that's fine. I don't know how much it would cost, but I'd guess I could afford to go every 2-3 weeks. I don't know anything. But, I'm finding out. If I can't see this therapist, (who was on a list for being interested in working with gender stuff), I'll just start cold-calling in the phonebook. I'm aware that the Vancouver Health authority has a good trans program, but I don't live in that health region.
Yesterday I called the number of the therapist directly. I only had two initials and a last name. As I didn't know whether the therapist was a "doctor", I found it very difficult to ask for an appointment. I tried used "therapist lastname" and the secretary said "oh, do you mean "firstname lastname." The first name given was a unisex name, about 75% female. So, I said, "yes, her," but of course I was wrong. That's interesting about language; how we have no choice but to use gender markers. In English, I think singular "they" is on its way to becoming ubiquitous. In my lifetime, you'll be able to use it without being agrammatical.
Anyway, I wasn't allowed an appointment without a referral, so I'll try to get one. This therapist was at the Ministry of Children and family or something like that. So, hopefully I'm not too old. Since it is a government place perhaps the waiting list will be too long. I'd like to visit a therapist with a month or a month and a half. If I have to spend my own money, that's fine. I don't know how much it would cost, but I'd guess I could afford to go every 2-3 weeks. I don't know anything. But, I'm finding out. If I can't see this therapist, (who was on a list for being interested in working with gender stuff), I'll just start cold-calling in the phonebook. I'm aware that the Vancouver Health authority has a good trans program, but I don't live in that health region.
Friday, January 4, 2008
List #1
Things I need to find out:
- In British Columbia, do I need to pay for my own therapy? Or will my normal doctor just refer me to a therapist and MSP pays for it all? I could afford it myself, but I need to save up as much as I can for school.
- How long should I wait before coming out to my wife?
- How attached is everybody to the idea of me as a man? I'm certainly the least manly of my friends and nobody thinks the less of me for it?
- If I try out electrolysis, is my face going to look funny and red from it? Or just look mildly irritated?
- Do real men (TM), love their penises? I've never felt affinity for mine, aside from when it provided sexual release.
That's the list for now.
Misc: Over the past year or so, I've become resentful of my libido. There was an episode of House in which a young man tries to get Dr. House to prescribe Depo-Provera to kill his sex drive because he was attracted to his step-mom. When I watched it, I felt like I wanted that too. The airdate was March 7, 2006, so perhaps these feelings have been growing subconsciously for some time. It's hard to tell. Maybe I just recently became aware of them.
Masturbation has felt like a chore for years. That is, it feels like it is just necessary to temporarily get rid off my sex drive. I don't take longer than what is necessary, just until "release" is attained.
Actual sex is infrequent. My wife's desire for it has diminished over the past 18 months. In some ways it is disappointing, but in other ways it is fortunate. I've never felt like a good lover who can satisfy her. (Sorry, TMI, but it's my blog) So, I have to be sure that my newfound desire to be a woman is not because sometimes I feel like an "homme raté." (failed man) That would be a poor reason to take any irreversible action if it were the sole one.
- In British Columbia, do I need to pay for my own therapy? Or will my normal doctor just refer me to a therapist and MSP pays for it all? I could afford it myself, but I need to save up as much as I can for school.
- How long should I wait before coming out to my wife?
- How attached is everybody to the idea of me as a man? I'm certainly the least manly of my friends and nobody thinks the less of me for it?
- If I try out electrolysis, is my face going to look funny and red from it? Or just look mildly irritated?
- Do real men (TM), love their penises? I've never felt affinity for mine, aside from when it provided sexual release.
That's the list for now.
Misc: Over the past year or so, I've become resentful of my libido. There was an episode of House in which a young man tries to get Dr. House to prescribe Depo-Provera to kill his sex drive because he was attracted to his step-mom. When I watched it, I felt like I wanted that too. The airdate was March 7, 2006, so perhaps these feelings have been growing subconsciously for some time. It's hard to tell. Maybe I just recently became aware of them.
Masturbation has felt like a chore for years. That is, it feels like it is just necessary to temporarily get rid off my sex drive. I don't take longer than what is necessary, just until "release" is attained.
Actual sex is infrequent. My wife's desire for it has diminished over the past 18 months. In some ways it is disappointing, but in other ways it is fortunate. I've never felt like a good lover who can satisfy her. (Sorry, TMI, but it's my blog) So, I have to be sure that my newfound desire to be a woman is not because sometimes I feel like an "homme raté." (failed man) That would be a poor reason to take any irreversible action if it were the sole one.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Shopping
My wife and I went shopping today. It was actually pretty fun. I liked vetoing certain things that she held up, saying, "no that's not your style." But I kept wondering, "hmm, I wonder if that comes in my size?" I refused to look at any male clothes or shoes meant for me. I suppose that'll get suspicious if I keep it up; I don't care.
Women are going to start thinking I'm a creepy pervert. I keep staring at them, analysing their clothes, hair, body shape. I wonder what they would think if they knew I wanted to be one of them. I've discovered that facial structure seems to be the main thing that enables me to tell male from female. Men are wearing "skinny jeans" too, and women wear button up male-style shirts. My wife has one friend who has a fairly masculine body shape, and shorter hair. Her face, however, even with the piercing, could not be mistaken for male.
Misc. fact: I used to work around customers, and I used to have longer hair, which I kept in a ponytail under a hat just at work. Occasionally, a senior (never someone under forty) would call me "miss" or "ma'am" if they only saw me from behind. I never got upset; I would either ignore them until they said just "excuse me" or correct them. I realise now that I didn't really mind being called that.
The other night at some kind of social event, I overheard my dad tell my friend that: "my real name's uncle lives in place, that's where her(meaning me) mom grew up." I wondered why my dad referred to me with a female pronoun. Neither he nor my friend corrected it. Probably doesn't mean anything. Perhaps that kind of gender confusion stuff happened often, and I've only just become sensitised to it.
On New Year's Eve, when I put on clothes to go out, I discovered one of my wife's T-shirts in my drawer. So I wore it. My wife only noticed sometime after I took my jacket off. I asserted that it was in my drawer so I thought I could wear it. She exclaimed that the sleeves were really short. I shrugged, and nobody else made a big deal about it.
Later, when we needed to make up two teams for a game, somebody suggested that the teams be made up "boys-vs-girls". I felt like trying to join the girls' team, but didn't say anything. The three girls easily beat the five or six boys.
Women are going to start thinking I'm a creepy pervert. I keep staring at them, analysing their clothes, hair, body shape. I wonder what they would think if they knew I wanted to be one of them. I've discovered that facial structure seems to be the main thing that enables me to tell male from female. Men are wearing "skinny jeans" too, and women wear button up male-style shirts. My wife has one friend who has a fairly masculine body shape, and shorter hair. Her face, however, even with the piercing, could not be mistaken for male.
Misc. fact: I used to work around customers, and I used to have longer hair, which I kept in a ponytail under a hat just at work. Occasionally, a senior (never someone under forty) would call me "miss" or "ma'am" if they only saw me from behind. I never got upset; I would either ignore them until they said just "excuse me" or correct them. I realise now that I didn't really mind being called that.
The other night at some kind of social event, I overheard my dad tell my friend that: "my real name's uncle lives in place, that's where her(meaning me) mom grew up." I wondered why my dad referred to me with a female pronoun. Neither he nor my friend corrected it. Probably doesn't mean anything. Perhaps that kind of gender confusion stuff happened often, and I've only just become sensitised to it.
On New Year's Eve, when I put on clothes to go out, I discovered one of my wife's T-shirts in my drawer. So I wore it. My wife only noticed sometime after I took my jacket off. I asserted that it was in my drawer so I thought I could wear it. She exclaimed that the sleeves were really short. I shrugged, and nobody else made a big deal about it.
Later, when we needed to make up two teams for a game, somebody suggested that the teams be made up "boys-vs-girls". I felt like trying to join the girls' team, but didn't say anything. The three girls easily beat the five or six boys.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year's Resolutions
I've never really made New Year's resolutions before. I never saw the point of deluding myself into thinking that I'd actually fulfil them. So, these resolutions are going to be practical, not overly optimistic.
- I'm need to start seeing a therapist. I've got the name of a local therapist with some experience with gender issues. I know that a therapist isn't going to tell me what I should do, but a therapist will ask questions and help me work through my issues. I think therapy is essential to make any progress with this TS stuff.
- I'm going to tell my wife that "I think I might be TS." We're pretty close, and involved. That means I can't get away with saying that I'm going to start going to therapy, but refusing to explain the reason.
- I'm going to buy at least one femme "outfit."
- I'm going to go out en femme at least once.
I think I can realistically fulfil those resolutions. I'd be happy if I could do more than those, which I'm consider a bare minimum. Realistically, I don't want to set timeline goals for starting HRT, or RLE, or anything like that.
Random related middle school experiences that I remember:
I had more than one pair of pink Converse All-Stars. (Remember those?) This would have been about Grades 6-8, I think. I went shopping with my parents, because they paid for clothes. I don't remember them trying to convince me not to get them. But I wanted them, and I don't think they said that they were too girly. When the first pair wore out, I got another. I don't remember being made fun of for wearing pink shoes.
Once, in Grade 9 or 10, a girl in my class said that she considered me "one of the girls". I remember being pleased and not at all embarrassed.
In Grade 10, a female friend said that I had great legs and said that she would bring some heels for me to try on. I did have nice naturally hairless legs, and I liked trying on her "strappy" heels that one lunchtime. I was at that time a slightly built 100 pound boy who barely needed to shave every two weeks, who, being a late bloomer, had perfectly clear skin with no acne.
This blog thing is fun. I keep thinking of things to write in it. But this is all for now.
- I'm need to start seeing a therapist. I've got the name of a local therapist with some experience with gender issues. I know that a therapist isn't going to tell me what I should do, but a therapist will ask questions and help me work through my issues. I think therapy is essential to make any progress with this TS stuff.
- I'm going to tell my wife that "I think I might be TS." We're pretty close, and involved. That means I can't get away with saying that I'm going to start going to therapy, but refusing to explain the reason.
- I'm going to buy at least one femme "outfit."
- I'm going to go out en femme at least once.
I think I can realistically fulfil those resolutions. I'd be happy if I could do more than those, which I'm consider a bare minimum. Realistically, I don't want to set timeline goals for starting HRT, or RLE, or anything like that.
Random related middle school experiences that I remember:
I had more than one pair of pink Converse All-Stars. (Remember those?) This would have been about Grades 6-8, I think. I went shopping with my parents, because they paid for clothes. I don't remember them trying to convince me not to get them. But I wanted them, and I don't think they said that they were too girly. When the first pair wore out, I got another. I don't remember being made fun of for wearing pink shoes.
Once, in Grade 9 or 10, a girl in my class said that she considered me "one of the girls". I remember being pleased and not at all embarrassed.
In Grade 10, a female friend said that I had great legs and said that she would bring some heels for me to try on. I did have nice naturally hairless legs, and I liked trying on her "strappy" heels that one lunchtime. I was at that time a slightly built 100 pound boy who barely needed to shave every two weeks, who, being a late bloomer, had perfectly clear skin with no acne.
This blog thing is fun. I keep thinking of things to write in it. But this is all for now.
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