Misc thoughts

So I read Suzanne's entire blog last night. Actually it was technically this morning.

Often, whenever I read transition diary type things, I feel funny. I feel excited and anxious. The best way I can describe this feeling is asking somebody out on a date in high school. Your heart beats fast even before you approach them. You take short, shallow breaths. I have no explanation for this type of emotion. Perhaps it suggests a lack of confidence on my part. Well duh, I already knew that bit.

I had only just seen that blog in someone's blogroll. In the second post, there was this photo. That made me spend 90 minutes reading her whole blog. That picture was really impressive. So much change in one year! She was a decade older than me when she transitioned! I seriously had to study the picture carefully, even knowing it was a trans blog.

I wonder what that says about me. If I worry too much about what I'd look like post-transition, does that mean my trans feelings aren't strong enough to transition? Would a real transwoman transition if she were 6'3" with man hands and a giant Adam's apple? Obviously, some concern for "passing" post transition is warranted. However, I would be happy with passing with strangers most of the time but being out to most people I know.

More about potential passing: I'm 5'8", size 8 mens shoes, have smallish hands. That stuff isn't so bad. My concerns would be my face, hair, and voice. My face I had thought was pretty masculine, but Suzanne's old face was just as masculine. My hairline is a widow's peak, which I don't like. I part in the middle to try to hide it. Plus it doesn't grow fast enough in that area. (Parenthetical story: I got a haircut last month because essentially my wife forced me. Asked the stylist for something in between masculine and feminine and she said that I was over on the feminine side. But I really think she meant "for a guy". Anyways, my wife and I were telling the stylist different things. I was asking to keep it long, while my wife wanted it shorter, so the stylist cut it halfway. It's longer than typical guy hair, but shorter than nearly all women :( I didn't look in the mirror for like a wife after) My voice is pretty deep. Don't know what could be done about that.

Suzanne, in an earlier post, ordered her desires re. being trans. I'm too lazy to look it back up, but it was some like numbering four choices. (1)Being a genetic woman, (2)being a transwoman, (3)being a crossdresser, or (4) being merely a fucked up man. She ordered them 2,1,3,4, I think. I'd order them in order. Of course, I don't like the list. I'd prefer (a) taking a pill and magically being a genetic woman, then after that my second choice would be (b) taking a pill and magically being a genetic man with no doubts about manhood or masculinity.

Misc. stories over the past few months:
-a few days ago I carried my wife into the bedroom to have sex with her. After the sex, she asked why I didn't do that more often. I said, well why don't you, adding that she could always drag me as an alternative. She got a bit upset but somehow I deflected it.
-it was "woman on top" sex. That's the sex in which I'm a bit less conscious of the whole body thing. I find it easier to fantasize doing it that way. When she touched my chest, I wished there were breast there to be touched.
-a few months ago, I asserted that my wife was pack leader.(we have dogs) She asked, "are you trying to be emasculated because that's what you want to be?" I didn't say anything in response, of course.
-we were on the Skytrain in Burnaby and I saw this person whom I never was able to read with 100% confidence. She had very short hair, small earrings, a women's v-neck tee shirt. Only when she got off did I notice that she had some very small breasts, like we're talking mine are bigger. (although obviously not shaped in the same way). I felt intrigued by her.
-my sister, at a family dinner, said I was "pretty much a woman". I wonder what she meant by that, and no, I didn't ask her. Other than a bit longer hair, I don't know what else I do that's so feminine.

Masculinity vs. Femininity

I really hate the uber-masculine type of men. I have no desire to spend time with them. In September, I met three men online to do something hobby-related. They were all about drinking beer, and shouting strange things for no reason. I don't know if I'll meet them again, or if I'll keep doing this hobby alone.

I wish I had female friends that I could hang out with other than my wife. She won't let me even have my coffee break at work with her and the women she occasionally has "girls night" with.


I'm still doing the whole "never refer to myself as male" thing. Makes for some creative Facebook status updates. Being called "Daddy" still really bothers me. Each time, I shout in my mind "DON'T CALL ME DADDY!" I hope I don't blow up over that.

Marriage
Well, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this, but recently I've been occasionally wishing that I weren't married. It would make some things less complicated. Yet, I love my wife and I don't want to leave her. Rather, I sometimes wish that I just hadn't gotten married.

This is what I've learned:
-late twenties is not too old for successful transition. Now it's basically confirmed for me. I've started to feel old in this past year, probably in relation to this trans stuff.
-It's easy to avoid looking at yourself in mirrors.

update

Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Sorry. I occasionally think of doing so, yet end up not doing it.

No, I'm not doing any therapy. Why not? I should be. The excuse that I'm giving myself is that I don't want to create marital debate about my "problem." Is it a valid concern? I'm not sure, but I certainly can't go to therapy without my wife knowing about it; we generally know what the other is doing. I'd have to somehow arrange therapy without giving out our telephone number, then tell her that I was going. I'm afraid that she'd be really upset.

Is the above cowardly? Probably. I do not like confrontation. Is it just an excuse to avoid doing anything productive or "useful" about my feelings? I don't know.

My feelings have evolved somewhat, I guess. I haven't read any trans-related blogs or websites for months. Generally most of them are written or intended for people who are transitioning, or planning on it.

lazy point form stuff:
-my facial hair disgusts me, even more than it did before. I shave it along with my chest, armpits, groin, and legs in the the shower. I'd exchange my two-year old car for the quarter century old car I used to own to get it removed. Obviously, selling my car would easily pay for complete facial hair removal. My wife thinks that stubble is sexy, so it wouldn't go over well.
-I feel most sexy putting on pants on legs that have just been shaved and moisturised.
-I still think about it while entering a gendered washroom.
-I'm used to avoiding referring to myself in a gendered way. I don't really have to think about it much. It's really easy for me to say "I'm a ____ kind of person" in a circumstance when I could have said, "I'm a ____ kind of guy." I hardly ever slip up.
-I'm still attracted mostly to women.

There are some changes, though. Instead of just being jealous of cute twenty-something girls, I'm occasionally jealous of less attractive women. A couple months ago, I was very far away from home on vacation, far from anybody that I knew. I was walking in a downtown, and I saw a woman greet a couple that she obviously knew. She was in her forties or fifties, too skinny, and with grey stringy hair. And I was jealous, because she was a woman.

I have to consider the possibility that transition is not for me. I don't want to end up a transwoman with a penis that can't pass, split up from my spouse, and with friends and family that won't talk to me. That concerns me. Yet I'm not comfortable as I am. I'm still not sure what I should do.

Sigh.

What if?

Actually, that's the only Creed song that I like.

Sorry, very lame joke. I'm not a funny person.

This is something that's been bothering me. What if my trans feelings neither diminish nor grow? As it stands now, I can't honestly say that I'm 100% convinced that I have GID. Yet I haven't noticed my feelings become less conscious.

I don't want to be in this middle place. It has not yet become unbearable because I know that I'm still early in this "process." I don't think I can feel like this for the rest of my life.

My sex drive is still bothering and annoying me. I feel silly for pawing at my wife all the time, yet I'm driven to do so. After each time we have sex (down to once every one or two weeks) I swear to myself that I will not try to iniate. I fail miserably after two or three days. I have noticed that I've become the "cuddly" one in the relationship. Yet we can't cuddle or make out for long before Mr pokey makes his presence know. I wish I could control that. Spiro would help, but I couldn't get a prescription for unwanted sex-drive.

Since I appear to be on the theme of what's bothering me: I still don't like be referred to using a male word. It has become natural to avoid referring to myself that way. Yet my wife doesn't avoid it. I hate it when she tells our dog to "go see daddy." I hate it when she says that I'm a "good hubby." I think we're going to have to have a talk sometime. I've been pretty much avoiding one for a while.

Clothes make the...

"When we are trying to reach the woman inside, sometimes clothes are her lifeline. But once we finally connect, the clothes are no longer necessary for her to feel alive." This is a quote from Diane Wilson's page, which is recommended, by the way.

I don't dress en femme anymore. I haven't since January when my wife came home from work two hours early with her dad on their way to coffee. I had literally just finished putting everything away and getting re-dressed in "normal" clothes for me. That was the day before I came out to her.

Why don't I dress anymore? Fear of getting caught is part of it. Another part of it is that when I do it, I just feel silly. I don't feel feminine, or "whole." I certainly don't get aroused. (Apparently that is a major reason for heterosexual men to cross-dress)

However, I am "drawn" to women's clothing. This is a new thing, starting only after I discovered my previously unconscious trans feelings. Instead of thinking or saying "those pants make her ass look nice," or commenting on aesthetics when asked by my wife, I wish I could wear them, or I think about a particular piece in a way that relates to me. i.e. would I wear it. My wife looked at the Mountain Equipment Co-op catalogue and laughed at the women's cycling skirts. I didn't tell her that I liked them. I'm also jealous of those that can wear women's clothing. Yes, I mean women.

What does any of this mean? I'm not sure. Reading other blogs and stuff on the Internet, I don't usually identify very well with the authors. I can't say that "I knew when I was five." I don't think to myself, "I'm a woman." Instead, the way I think aboout myself is more along the lines of "I'm confused."

Update

I was asked to write an update by somebody I don't really know.

That's ok. It forced me to "take another baby step." I emailed back somebody from the Trans Health program asking about the procedures for getting therapy. The trans programs in Vancouver seem to be constantly changing names and what they do. So my doctor's referral letter went to fax heaven. I left a voicemail somewhere a month later and got one call back to my home number, and not to my cell number which I had also left on voicemail. Then I sent two emails to an email address which I had taken from some pamphlets. Finally, I found an email of a real live person from the program.

That last paragraph is misleading. It makes it seem like I've been aggressively pursuing this. I haven't really. I wait weeks in between phone calls or emails. Why? I'm afraid. I love my marriage. I don't want to lose it.

My "trans feelings" (wow that's an awkward phrase) haven't dissipated. I still think about them every day. Every time I need to go to a public washroom I look at the signs on both doors and wonder. Every time I see a pretty woman I'm jealous of her body and wonder if I like her clothes.

On the home front, we simply don't talk about it. This is simultaneously a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because it keeps things civil, with no crying or drama. Yet it is bad because we aren't discussing it as a couple. My wife is never going to accept or tolerate my transness(yes, I know that isn't a word) if we ignore it. I think it wouldn't be difficult to do that, to just ignore everything. But the way my newly discovered feelings and desires haven't changed suggests to me that I shouldn't ignore them. I still get called "daddy" which bothers me. But then we just went to a wedding and my wife asked me what I thought of the dress. We discussed it, and I even noticed that there was a train at the ceremony yet none at the reception. (perhaps it detached?) I wonder if my dear wife was thinking when she asked me about it. I started shaving my armpits in January after my last post. She asked why, and I said it looks nicer. I still do it.

Therapy is next. I think it is very important. I'm not able to figure out why I feel the way I do on my own.

Miscellaneous being out stuff

This being out to my wife thing doesn't make anything easier. I'm relieved that I don't have to hide that secret, of course. Yet I have to watch what I say just as much. Also, my wife keeps bringing up negative things.

She seems to bring up the "are we still going to me together" thing up often. Today, for example, we were in an electronics store and I mentioned that she should buy a computer eventually. She said, "yeah, if we're still together." I realise that it is a lot for her to think about, but I wish she wouldn't be as negative.

Pronouns or other names are something that bother me. I don't like being referred to as he, or husband, or daddy. (I'm not a parent, but we do have pets). Being called by my given name doesn't bother me at the moment. I mentioned this to my wife, but she hasn't stopped using these words. I explained that they "hurt" me, something which seems really strange to me, yet that's how I feel.

She's still crying occasionally. I know she wants to stay together, and that's important since I feel the same way. But she doesn't understand my situation. Of course I can't really expect her to. If I do need to make major life changes, then I need to do it. I'm not claiming that HRT/transition/surgery is for me for sure, yet I do feel that I can't or don't want to ignore my newly discover want to become a woman. She did say something more empathetic the other day though. She said that I should consider being "metrosexual" or "androgynous". I don't really feel at this time that being metrosexual would be satisfying enough for me. After all, a metrosexual man is still just as physically male as any male, albeit with nicer eyebrows and a shaved chest.

I know I'm too early in this process, but when I think about things in the future, I wonder about how transitioning would affect that. For example, I hope to get into a teaching program that starts in September. I can't see myself transitioning before, but what would happen if I transitioned partway through? Does the fact that I'm even thinking about transition mean that I will? I've no idea, and I'm not willing to commit to anything presently.

This is something that could be equally telling. I know (not just feel) that were I not married, I would be pursuing *this* much more strongly. I'd be doing electrolysis frequently, dressing en femme alone regularily, being more assertive about my feelings. None of those are big deals that would mean I'd have to transition eventually, yet I'd feel that I was doing something.

Ok, I think that's enough poorly organized written diarrhea for now.

Outed

The phone call from the doctor's office outed me on Thursday. My wife wanted to know why they were calling. (They wanted to tell me how long I had to wait for an appointment, 6-8 weeks) I didn't want to explain, and didn't right away. But half an hour later, I came into the living room to explain.

I avoided using any word that starts with "trans." I instead said that I was gender-confused. She had difficulty understanding the difference between gender and sex; she asserted that they were inextricably linked. I don't think I did the best job explaining myself, but I did the best I could. She took it as well as could be expected; not well. I tried to get across how I was feeling, but I failed. She cried some. She's scared of losing me, which I can understand. I can't deny that she did marry a man, and that I'm talking about possibly not being one anymore. I did tried to reiterate that I'm just as attracted to her as I was when we married, and that I have no intention of leaving her. I felt sad for hurting her, but relieved that I don't have to keep the secret anymore. As I've already said, we're pretty open with each other.

I'm "not allowed" to "get a sex change" or "grow boobs," according to her. I didn't mention other steps I could do, like electrolysis. However, she did say the next day that she thinks that therapy is a good idea, and she realises that a therapist isn't going to convince me to do anything.

This next paragraph may fall into the TMI category. On Friday, the day after I shared "this stuff" with my wife, during another conversation about it, she mentioned that she had stopped taken the pill in hopes of improving her sex drive. I must point out that previous to then we'd been having sex once each cycle. Well, we had sex right then, and then once again when we went to bed. (With protection, of course!) The next day we had sex again during the day, and "fooled around" when we went to bed. There hasn't been that much sex in our marriage since the wedding night! And she wanted to do woman on top sex(my preferred position), which she hasn't wanted to do for a year or so. The timing is clearly suspicious... Also, when we were having sex, I obviously enjoyed the feeling. But I also felt something else. When I put my hands around her body when it was on top of mine, I felt jealous, of her female silhouette. I want one of my own and I don't know why.

Moving along

I saw my GP today.

I was hoping to get some kind of referral or direction to get into therapy. So, I obviously had to explain why. When the medical office assistant asked the reason for my visit, I said that it was private", and she accepted that. So, when I told my doctor that the reason I wanted therapy was because I thought I might be transsexual, he didn't even blink. He asked similar questions as what he would ask if my knee were hurting me. I was very impressed. He's in his mid sixties at least, and this is a federal riding that always votes Conservative. He didn't seem uncomfortable asking if I had ever been in a "gay relationship." He even used the word "transition" in a sentence.

He took notes based on what I said and he's going to send a letter to the Gender Dysphoria clinic at Vancouver General. So, that sounds promising. Somehow, I'll get some therapy. This is the only time in my life during which I strongly feel that therapy is necessary. Benjamin Standards aside, I cannot deal with this on my own. I'm too confused, and this is a major issue.

I'm making steps.

I called my GP's office this morning and got an appointment for next week. When I visit, I'll ask for a referral to a therapist whose number I have. Which brings me to an interesting thing I wanted to talk about.

Yesterday I called the number of the therapist directly. I only had two initials and a last name. As I didn't know whether the therapist was a "doctor", I found it very difficult to ask for an appointment. I tried used "therapist lastname" and the secretary said "oh, do you mean "firstname lastname." The first name given was a unisex name, about 75% female. So, I said, "yes, her," but of course I was wrong. That's interesting about language; how we have no choice but to use gender markers. In English, I think singular "they" is on its way to becoming ubiquitous. In my lifetime, you'll be able to use it without being agrammatical.

Anyway, I wasn't allowed an appointment without a referral, so I'll try to get one. This therapist was at the Ministry of Children and family or something like that. So, hopefully I'm not too old. Since it is a government place perhaps the waiting list will be too long. I'd like to visit a therapist with a month or a month and a half. If I have to spend my own money, that's fine. I don't know how much it would cost, but I'd guess I could afford to go every 2-3 weeks. I don't know anything. But, I'm finding out. If I can't see this therapist, (who was on a list for being interested in working with gender stuff), I'll just start cold-calling in the phonebook. I'm aware that the Vancouver Health authority has a good trans program, but I don't live in that health region.

List #1

Things I need to find out:

- In British Columbia, do I need to pay for my own therapy? Or will my normal doctor just refer me to a therapist and MSP pays for it all? I could afford it myself, but I need to save up as much as I can for school.

- How long should I wait before coming out to my wife?

- How attached is everybody to the idea of me as a man? I'm certainly the least manly of my friends and nobody thinks the less of me for it?

- If I try out electrolysis, is my face going to look funny and red from it? Or just look mildly irritated?

- Do real men (TM), love their penises? I've never felt affinity for mine, aside from when it provided sexual release.

That's the list for now.

Misc: Over the past year or so, I've become resentful of my libido. There was an episode of House in which a young man tries to get Dr. House to prescribe Depo-Provera to kill his sex drive because he was attracted to his step-mom. When I watched it, I felt like I wanted that too. The airdate was March 7, 2006, so perhaps these feelings have been growing subconsciously for some time. It's hard to tell. Maybe I just recently became aware of them.

Masturbation has felt like a chore for years. That is, it feels like it is just necessary to temporarily get rid off my sex drive. I don't take longer than what is necessary, just until "release" is attained.

Actual sex is infrequent. My wife's desire for it has diminished over the past 18 months. In some ways it is disappointing, but in other ways it is fortunate. I've never felt like a good lover who can satisfy her. (Sorry, TMI, but it's my blog) So, I have to be sure that my newfound desire to be a woman is not because sometimes I feel like an "homme raté." (failed man) That would be a poor reason to take any irreversible action if it were the sole one.

Shopping

My wife and I went shopping today. It was actually pretty fun. I liked vetoing certain things that she held up, saying, "no that's not your style." But I kept wondering, "hmm, I wonder if that comes in my size?" I refused to look at any male clothes or shoes meant for me. I suppose that'll get suspicious if I keep it up; I don't care.

Women are going to start thinking I'm a creepy pervert. I keep staring at them, analysing their clothes, hair, body shape. I wonder what they would think if they knew I wanted to be one of them. I've discovered that facial structure seems to be the main thing that enables me to tell male from female. Men are wearing "skinny jeans" too, and women wear button up male-style shirts. My wife has one friend who has a fairly masculine body shape, and shorter hair. Her face, however, even with the piercing, could not be mistaken for male.

Misc. fact: I used to work around customers, and I used to have longer hair, which I kept in a ponytail under a hat just at work. Occasionally, a senior (never someone under forty) would call me "miss" or "ma'am" if they only saw me from behind. I never got upset; I would either ignore them until they said just "excuse me" or correct them. I realise now that I didn't really mind being called that.

The other night at some kind of social event, I overheard my dad tell my friend that: "my real name's uncle lives in place, that's where her(meaning me) mom grew up." I wondered why my dad referred to me with a female pronoun. Neither he nor my friend corrected it. Probably doesn't mean anything. Perhaps that kind of gender confusion stuff happened often, and I've only just become sensitised to it.

On New Year's Eve, when I put on clothes to go out, I discovered one of my wife's T-shirts in my drawer. So I wore it. My wife only noticed sometime after I took my jacket off. I asserted that it was in my drawer so I thought I could wear it. She exclaimed that the sleeves were really short. I shrugged, and nobody else made a big deal about it.

Later, when we needed to make up two teams for a game, somebody suggested that the teams be made up "boys-vs-girls". I felt like trying to join the girls' team, but didn't say anything. The three girls easily beat the five or six boys.

New Year's Resolutions

I've never really made New Year's resolutions before. I never saw the point of deluding myself into thinking that I'd actually fulfil them. So, these resolutions are going to be practical, not overly optimistic.

- I'm need to start seeing a therapist. I've got the name of a local therapist with some experience with gender issues. I know that a therapist isn't going to tell me what I should do, but a therapist will ask questions and help me work through my issues. I think therapy is essential to make any progress with this TS stuff.

- I'm going to tell my wife that "I think I might be TS." We're pretty close, and involved. That means I can't get away with saying that I'm going to start going to therapy, but refusing to explain the reason.

- I'm going to buy at least one femme "outfit."

- I'm going to go out en femme at least once.

I think I can realistically fulfil those resolutions. I'd be happy if I could do more than those, which I'm consider a bare minimum. Realistically, I don't want to set timeline goals for starting HRT, or RLE, or anything like that.

Random related middle school experiences that I remember:

I had more than one pair of pink Converse All-Stars. (Remember those?) This would have been about Grades 6-8, I think. I went shopping with my parents, because they paid for clothes. I don't remember them trying to convince me not to get them. But I wanted them, and I don't think they said that they were too girly. When the first pair wore out, I got another. I don't remember being made fun of for wearing pink shoes.

Once, in Grade 9 or 10, a girl in my class said that she considered me "one of the girls". I remember being pleased and not at all embarrassed.

In Grade 10, a female friend said that I had great legs and said that she would bring some heels for me to try on. I did have nice naturally hairless legs, and I liked trying on her "strappy" heels that one lunchtime. I was at that time a slightly built 100 pound boy who barely needed to shave every two weeks, who, being a late bloomer, had perfectly clear skin with no acne.

This blog thing is fun. I keep thinking of things to write in it. But this is all for now.